Episode 125 - 10 Stages of a Breakup - Part 2
Ending a relationship is one of the messiest and most challenging experiences in life. In this 2-part series, I attempt the impossible: Making you feel seen and less alone as I explore the emotional stages we go through after getting a divorce or separating from a lover and trying to piece our broken hearts back together. Buckle in.
Topics
10 stages of a breakup, based on Marie’s personal experience and the book "Coming Apart" by Daphne Rose Kingma.
Breakup Backlash: when doubt and regrets arise weeks or months after separation and the Importance of being emotionally strong during this stage.
Breakup Gratitude: when breaking up is a gift to the person being broken up with.
Breakup Resolution: when you find peace in your decision.
Marie’s recommended coping mechanisms for each breakup stage.
Links
Gain clarity around the ending of your relationship with this FREE WORKBOOK
Book a free discovery call with Marie, to explore how you can work together to reach your goals.
Resources
Books:
Coming Apart, by Daphne Rose Kingma
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum
Movie:
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the self growth nerds Podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since through hiking the Pacific Crestrail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:38]:
Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm really good. And this week, we are continuing on last week's episode, which was 10 stages of a breakup, So if you haven't listened to last week's episode, go and listen to it now because today's is not going to make sense otherwise. Okay? So We stopped at stage 5, the first five stages were shock in the nile, then moving on to panic, Then deep sadness followed by acknowledgment and finally making meaning. Now today, we start at stage 6, and I wanna remind you again that this is my own personal experience mixed with what I learned in the book coming apart by Daphne Rosekigma. So you know, take what resonates, leave the rest. This is a very complex topic, and my only goal with these two episodes is to help you feel better, help you feel less alone, and help you feel seen and understood. So if those episodes don't achieve these goals for you, just turn them off and go seek some other kind of guidance. Okay? So stage 6 is backlash. That's when time has passed The worst is behind you, but doubt and regrets show up unexpectedly. like, weeks or months after the separation. You might be lying in your bed alone and picturing them next to you and missing their skin. Maybe you have nothing planned on a Saturday where you used to always have plans. Maybe you always did the same thing together Saturday. I don't know. Go to the farmers market or something. Go get a coffee, and now you're on your own. Or maybe while you're swiping really boring looking people on the apps, or you get ghosted by someone you thought was really interesting. Or you see someone on the street who looks like your former partner, and then poof, it hits. sharp pain, and you wonder, did I do the right thing? This is more common for people who have initiated the breakup because we have to reckon and make peace with the decision that we made. There was a moment for me about 2 months after I left my relationship. I was feeling really good. but I was at dinner with my family, and one of my family members asked me, like, oh, well, what kind of person are you looking for? Like, who do you wanna be with? And then when I describe the kind of relationship that I am seeking, their response was like, well, Marie, that sounds like perfection, and perfection doesn't exist, like, Are you sure, like, the this is realistic, and it just sent me down a spiral of self doubt. and I burst out crying at the restaurant with my aunts and my uncles and my parents and sister. It was great. When you know, in the weeks prior to that, I felt very strong, and then it all cream came crashing down in that moment. So you have to be really strong emotionally here because a part of your brain and a big part of society tells you, you are not safe. This is dangerous, and that's why many people who initiated the breakup will go back and say they changed their mind and ask to to get back together because they are not emotionally prepared for the transition and and everything that that entails. But often, it's not because they want the other person back. It's just that they have made a big decision, and it's scary to live the consequences. Kind of feels like you're starting from 0 sometimes. Feels lonely. You might have to fix something in your out in your house that your partner would have fixed. For me, it was painting my apartment. It was so long. I wanted to paint Three rooms, and a friend came over to help me for one day. I thought it was gonna take one day. It took me 7 days. And also, thinking sometimes about how okay now, I just have one income to live on instead of the comfort and the reassurance of 2 incomes. and going to thoughts like, oh, what if I wanna buy a house, it's gonna be that much more complicated. So in those moments, They have to be very strong emotionally because it's easy to go back to a state of panic. but I like to remind myself that regret for a past decision is is not that meaningful. It's just a sign that you have a brief lack of trust in your past self. Okay? That's all it's telling you. And it's an opportunity, and this is my tip here for this stage, It's an opportunity to strengthen that trust in you, a time to work on your relationship with yourself. A time to realize how badass you are and how you always make the best decisions with the information that you It's a chance to decide to have your own back. It's a decision. I decide to have my own back. I decide that whatever I decided in the past, there was a reason for me making that decision, and I trust, and I support my past self. and developing that strong connection with yourself is gonna help you so much in the future. And you also have to put yourself in situations that make you feel strong. Hang out with people who support your decision, like I said last week, do activities that you love. Get yourself some new fabulous clothes. Get your nails done. Enjoy everything that might not have been possible or as easily accessible when you were in a relationship. celebrate the hell out of yourself. Every little thing you do that requires more effort than it would have before celebrate it. I was very tempted on day 5 of painting my apartment, to swim in self pity. I did a lot of that swimming in the little pool of self pity, but I had to remind myself of how strong I actually am and how this is shaping me. I was like, I am channeling my inner Brianna Maria. I don't know if you guys know her on Instagram. She used to be a single and live alone in the desert, and she would like there was this day where she built, like, a shed on her own, and I was like, out such a badass. So I was channeling that part of me showing myself that I could do so much on my own and that this was a time to actually become the person I wanna date, and this sounds strange. But what I mean by that is like you don't need anyone to complete you, to make you better. You are awesome as you are, and you can do so much for yourself. And then from that place of self love and independence, you can attract people in your life that are just bonuses that enhance who you are and what you have They're kind of like the icing on the cake. They're not an ingredient of the cake. You don't need them in order to hold together as something complete. You hold as something complete already, and they just make everything more delicious. So this this stage is an opportunity. When you feel yourself going back to regret and doubt and panic, You get to strengthen yourself trust. To say, I understand that you're scared, and there's a reason why we did that. And now I'm gonna be a little bit esoteric. but I want you to trust the universe to trust that you're on a a path this is your spiritual curriculum. And if you were driven to separate, there is a why, but The universe never explains why. You will figure it out in a few months or in a few years, you will look back and say, oh, this is why. This is why I had to leave, but you don't have the answers right now. You don't have the you just have really challenging feelings to experience and lots of question marks, and this is your opportunity again to just trust that you will eventually be like, yes. You will be rewarded for jumping into the void, you will be rewarded for hanging out in uncertainty. Believe that. Hold on to that belief, or don't. It's up to you, but that's been very helpful for me. And I've already started seeing the rewards of taking a step into the unknown and trusting that what I want, what I want for my life, what I expect in a relationship is possible. I've already started receiving evidence, and I feel like there are gifts, gifts from the universe telling me You were right. You made the right decision, and here's a little gift to show you that that, like, give you a pat on the back. Okay. So enough with this stage.
Let's move to stage 7. Gratitude. You get to a form of resolution, emotional resolution where you can celebrate all the good stuff that there was in the relationship. When the good memories and the good traits of that person can coexist with the fact that the relationship ended. And, you know, like I said in the beginning, these stages are not linear so you might have moments of gratitude on day 2. That's normal. There's a section in the book coming apart called just because you didn't ask for it doesn't mean you don't want it, that I thought was super interesting and it's related to gratitude, It says that the person who got broken up with, at some point, will almost feel glad it happened. They will realize all the things that are possible for them now and experience surprising gratitude, Apparently, the author says that those who get broken up with sometimes get to an emotional resolution faster. And she thinks that's because they are devastated and kind of forced to do the work to move through their feelings and grow from the experience. I thought that was interesting and also might be a balm on your heart if you were the one breaking up. Know that the person you broke up with will find their way, and they might even be thankful that you did what you did. And I know For a fact, I've had people reach out to me. I'm thinking of one specifically on Instagram who told me after, like, more than a decade long marriage, his wife divorced him. He would never have made the move, but he said it was the best thing that happened to him because it allowed him to live a life that's much more aligned with who he is. So, you know, take that and put that in your little hard pocket. If maybe you're listening to this, and you haven't made the decision yet to leave the relationship, I also want you to consider that it might be a gift for your partner. you leaving them, they might not realize. It might be a what what do you call it a blessing in disguise. Yeah. that you might actually liberate them to live the life they're meant to live and be with someone who wants to be with them a 100%. Let that sink in.
Now stage 8 is the identity shift. So when you were in a relationship, you developed habits and ways of being, And when these habits and ways of being are gone, there's a lot of empty space to reinvent yourself. It can be scary, but it can also be really exciting. To me, that's the most exciting part about breakups. I started keeping my I first did, like, a super big decluttering of my apartment, I stayed in the same apartment. Right? Did a super big cleanup, and I started being a really tidy person who actually enjoys keeping their apartment Tidy, which is not has never been me. I'm kind of a messy person, but apparently not anymore. I've also started getting up much earlier than I ever have, which is also new. I've started having new sexual discoveries, And in the last few months, I so many times, I've said like, woah. That has never happened to me. This isn't me. or the or I haven't done this in a very long time. It's a rediscovery or a repossession of the self in a way. You might go back to things you used to love before you were in a relationship that you kind of forgot Or you might just discover completely new parts of you that were not in an environment where they were able to grow, And the author writes, quote, the more you regain your lost self, the easier it is to let go of the relationship which has ended. That's the best part, in my opinion, the freedom to be exactly who you want to be to create your life. You have a choice, though. Will you go back to your old patterns and ways of being or will you step up to the next level of who you're meant to be? It's gonna require a lot of courage, introspection, intention and courage, but this is a very, very important part of the process where you can have fun and be fluid with everything that's been true in your life so far to a certain extent, right, because I understand that some of you might children with your former partner, and so you might have to stay in the same town so that you can co parent and Your your children have to keep going to school, but there is some wiggle room there for you to experiment with who you want to be and what you wanna do with your life. So have fun in that in that period. That's my only tip for this stage. Go wild, and go read the book unbound by Casia Urbanyac. she talks about putting shame aside and discovering the part of you that's that's the bad girl, and then it's not, like, related to gender. Just the part of you that you might have tapped into a box because you thought it was not appropriate for the life that you were living with the image that you were trying to project, experiment with that wild part of you. Okay.
Stage 9, the snap. The author writes Quote, somewhere along the way in the evolution of this parting, there is an event that makes it very clear at the deepest emotional level that the relationship is not ever going to work. This can happen very randomly. It might happen when you experience something with someone else that allows you to understand what you were missing in the past relationship. It might also happen if you see your old partner again, but with fresh eyes, maybe they they come over to pick up a box of stuff they had left your place or maybe they come over to pick up the kids, and you see them from a a a fresh angle that allows you to go Yeah. Yes. This is who they are. This is why. This might even happen if you get back together, like many do in the breakup, got back together with them, and then exactly the same things happen. And then that's what the author calls it, like, but it's a moment where something snaps, and you're like, oh, I get it now. And all the resistance is gone. The resistance to the separation is gone because it just makes total, total sense. It's a moment that marks the the, quote, unquote, point of total disillusionment.
and that moment leads to stage 10, the resolution. This is when, quote, at the deepest levels of your consciousness the emotional charge of the relationship has been neutralized. It reminds me of someone I was in love with for a very long time, over years, I struggled to get over them even though I was in other relationships. And then one day, I was just watching a movie that's titled The Spectacular Now with Shailene Woodley And Miles Teller. It's by the director the writers of 500 days of summer. It says on the on the movie poster, which I have in front of my eyes right now, hits you like a shot in the heart, and that couldn't have been more true for me. There was this innocent little sentence in there, she says something like you will always be my favorite ex-lover, and To me, everything fell into place, and this is when I had emotional resolution for that relationship that had been going on and on in my mind. And in my heart, it's like, oh, okay. These words allow me to finally feel at peace, and I don't think you can force that. You never know when it's gonna happen or how long it's gonna take. To me, the the feeling was like, okay. I can put this book back on the shelf now, and it doesn't mean you don't care about them or the relationship anymore, but you're more objective. It's like you can look at the pictures from that time with nostalgia, but there's no emotional turbulence left. It can be very fast to get there. It can take a very long time. Like I said, you cannot predict when and how it's gonna happen. But this stage is very important because it frees you up to fully love someone else. In my in my mind, in what I believe, and also what I've read in the book, it's like you cannot be in another relationship fully until you have experienced resolution from a a a past one.
And I I wanna make it clear, the difference between the stage 9 and 10, the snap and the resolution. The snap is the moment where you understand why it didn't work. Like, you understand it in a embodied way. and there's no longer a part of you that's, like, trying to figure out how it could have worked versus the resolution. It's a sort of peace or a moving on, an acceptance of what is. and a readiness to be fully present for what comes next. So That's it for the thin stages of a breakup. I hope this was helpful for you. Please message me on Instagram at self growth nerds to tell me about your thoughts and your insights from this these two episodes, and if there is anything that you think I forgot or Any experiences that you've been having that you think are interesting and that should be added in here, please share. I would love to hear from you. And don't forget, I created a tool, a reflection workbook to help you understand your breakup, It's free, and you can just go to selfgirl nerds.com/breakup to download it now. It's going to help you process what's happened, what you're going through, and better understand yourself and and the feelings, the the the mess of feelings and thoughts that is probably in that are probably in your mind right now. That's it for this week. I'm just gonna walk through the 10 stages again before we go a little summary. So stage 1 was shock and denial. You're just in complete this this belief. of this new chapter you're stepping into, then step 2 is panic. Like, can I really do this? This is really scary. This is the unknown. Then stage 3, we have deep sadness. When you realize the profound loss ahead of you and your heart breaks open. Stage 4 is acknowledgment when you cross a line, and you're like, yep. This this is going on. It's actually over. And stage 5 is making meaning how you explained to yourself and to others what happened. Sage 6 is the backlash when doubt and regrets and panic visit you, like, a few weeks or months. later, and you have to reckon with them again. Stage 7 is gratitude. When you have gratitude for all the beautiful memories from the relationship and what that person brought you when you think about the relationship of fondness. Stage 5 is the identity shift when you reinvent yourself and discover who you can become and what's possible for you now after the breakup. Stage 9 is the snap when you have a moment where you're like, oh, okay. I I I understand now deeply. why that was never gonna work out, and stage 10 is the resolution. So it's similar to gratitude, but it's like It's like all the turbulent the inner turbulence is gone, and you're just left with a groundedness, a neutral like, it's just a fact. Like, you think about good things in your past, like your time in college, your time on the Pacific Restrail, your time with that partner, with an a neutral fondness. So these were the 10 stages. I would love to hear your thoughts on them, and please If this resonated, go and binge read the book coming apart by Daphne Rose Kigma, why relationships end, and how to live through the ending of yours. It was a really good one for me. I definitely recommend it. It's 4.13 stars on good reads. And if you're a good read, fan like me, you know, that's everything that's above four stars is really good. So get your highlighters ready, because I bet you're gonna highlight half of the book like I did. And, yeah, I wish you a good week. I'm sending you a big, big hug if your heart is broken right now. This is gonna pass. This is gonna get better, and I love you. Bye.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:26]:
Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the Self Growth Nerds podcast, a new one individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality You have the check out how we can work together on selfgrowatnerds.com, or message me on Instagram @selfgrowthnerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.