Episode 124 - 10 Stages of a Breakup - Part 1
Ending a relationship is one of the messiest and most challenging experiences in life. In this 2-part series, I attempt the impossible: Making you feel seen and less alone as I explore the emotional stages we go through after getting a divorce or separating from a lover and trying to piece our broken hearts back together. Buckle in.
Topics
10 stages of a breakup, based on Marie’s personal experience and the book "Coming Apart" by Daphne Rose Kingma.
Breakup shock and denial: when we are in disbelief and cognitive dissonance.
Breakup Panic: when one wants to return to the comfort of the relationship and we overthink everything that could have been done differently.
Marie’s recommended coping mechanisms for each breakup stage.
Links
Gain clarity around the ending of your relationship with this FREE WORKBOOK
Book a free discovery call with Marie, to explore how you can work together to reach your goals.
Resources
Books:
Coming Apart, by Daphne Rose Kingma
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mira Kirshenbaum
Series:
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the self grown nerds Podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since through hiking the Pacific Crestrail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:38]:
Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm doing really good, and today is an episode I've been wanting to do for a long time now, so I'm happy To be here, I'm happy to be in a place where I feel calm and grounded enough to record an episode on this topic. We are talking about the different stages of a breakup. Many of you wrote to me saying that my episode about the coming to the decision of separating with a partner and ending a relationship. has been super helpful. Many of you said you've listened to it many times. And so that first episode was kind of like leading up to the decision, and then this episode is once the decision has been made, what happens afterwards. after you end a relationship. Now, of course, this topic is extremely complex, so I'm gonna share from my own experience, and it's important to note that I was the one instigating the breakup So this is not from the perspective of the person who gets broken up with. I think so I think there will be overlaps, but I think there will also be lots of gaps. So, again, this is my personal perspective, and I also drew a lot of inspiration from the book coming apart Why relationships end and how to live through the ending of yours by Daphne Rose Kingma? This was a very helpful tool for me. I heard about this book in the resources at the end of another book that I wanna tell you about, It's called too good to leave, too bad to stay by Myra Kirschinbaum, and this is a step by step guide to help decide whether to stay in or get out of a relationship. Now at the end, when you've made your decision, The author points you to other books, and that's how I found the book coming apart, which, funnily enough, was published in 1987, but I found it to be on point and highlighted, like, half of the book. And so this episode is I'm gonna quote the author very often. It's very much inspired by that book. So we're gonna go through the 10 stages of a breakup, and I wanna mention this is gonna be a two part episode. Otherwise, it be way too long, so two parts. And those 10 stages, I'm gonna share them in order, but they don't happen in a linear way. Right? It's a mess. So bear that in mind as you listen, and my only goal here is to help you feel seen. to help you feel understood, to help you feel like you're less alone. And if you don't see yourself in what I'm sharing, That's okay too. This is, again, such a complex experience. We cannot summarize it in a podcast. So take what resonates in the helps you feel better and leave the rest. Okay?
So let's get started with stage 1, shock, and denial. So this is, like, the next morning. when you wake up, and the shock is just too much. So denial comes in, to attempt to save you from the cognitive dissonance. So the cognitive dissonance of, you know, this is happening but also your thinking, but I cannot be doing this. Like, there's just so much disbelief in your mind. I can't be doing this. They're a nice person. I'm a nice person. I love them. This wasn't that bad. I can't be doing this. This was supposed to last forever. The idea of what was supposed to be has completely shattered, and it's a what the hell moment. For me, it was always worse in the morning. I would wake up and realize what had happened. What I had created with my decision and I would have to remind myself of why I was here. It made me think of, like, the movie 50 first dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barry Moore. She, like, forgets who she is every morning, and he has to, like, show her tapes. To remind her of who she is and she loves him, but for me, it was like, oh, yeah. Okay. I left my 7 year relationship. Why? Why the hell did I do that? And then I had to, like, remind myself of the reasons and bring myself up to speed again every day. And I would ask myself questions like, am I crazy? Did I just, you know, make a rash decision? Can I trust my judgment? Does this even make sense? You might need other people in that moment to validate you to say, like, no. You're not crazy. This isn't new. This was not impulsive. You've been thinking about this for a while. You didn't make a decision out of nowhere. And then in parallel, there might be the other person reacting with denial as well. So if the relationship was complete for one person and not for the other, then one person might feel like it was a unilateral decision and feel devastated and say things like I don't get it. I don't understand. Why is this happening? Everything was going so well. And this can make the this the cognitive dissonance even more challenging for you and make you doubt yourself even more. Like, did I have an accurate vision of the situation? But keep in mind that that remark in itself, the other person saying why is this happening? Everything was going so well is a sign that there was a disconnect and a lack of awareness. that the other person might feel like they're the victim of a irrational decision, but they have been participating in that decision whether it be consciously or unconsciously. And my tip here in the stage of shock and denial is to keep notes in your phone. So personally, I had 1. I had 2 notes, 3, actually. One of my notes was a place where I could just let all of my inner freak out come out. so it wouldn't go in a circle in my mind. So all of my thoughts, I would write them down in there. And then I had another note in which I would write down all the reasons why I decided to leave, so I could go back to it and remind myself why. Kind of like the tapes in 51st dates. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. I get it. I also had a Google doc for when there was too much to type for my fingers on my phone. I would go to my computer, and I would write everything that crossed my mind. in that Google doc that has, like, I think, 18 pages. And it's just helpful to get it out of your mind because it can feel like a tornado. and, you know, don't let yourself just get swirled around in the tornado. Create distance between you and your thoughts by jutting them down somewhere. Okay? Now step 2 is similar. And for me, they were interwoven. I would go back and forth back and forth. Step 2 is panic. So we realize it's happening, and we just wanna run back in in in the cave. in the cave of comfort because we feel like we cannot face the uncomfortable reality that's in front of us. We are terrified of the void and the uncertainty. For me, it was thinking like, oh my god. What have I done? What have I done? Should I have Should I have worked harder on our issues? Should I should I lots of should I what if? you might make a mental list of everything that was good about the relationship and overthink everything you did or didn't do or could have differently to save the situation. You might also catastrophize about the situation. Like, oh, I'm 33. What if I end up alone? What if that was the best I could have had? What if I'm just an idealist? And this was the biggest mistake I ever made, what if my expectations are completely unattainable, what if I'm unrealistic, what if I was brainwashed, Disney movies, what if, you know, go on a downward spiral. This is when many people will go back for a second shot. They're gonna ask their ex to get back together even if they were the one to break to break up in the first place. They're gonna try again. Maybe the maybe they might go to counseling, but it's very often too late, and it's just a way to delay the separation, the real separation. And listen, I get that you want to want to stay, that if you could press a button that would make you be happy there in that relationship, you would, would be so much easier for everyone. But the truth is that unless you wanna sell your soul away, you can't make yourself want something. Like, if you're gay, you you cannot make yourself straight. as hard as you might try. I haven't heard that leading to a successful conclusion. I've heard that leading to suicide. So I believe we have desires in our soul and resisting them just makes us miserable and sick. So my tip here, in that stage of panic, is to, sure, let the mind freak out. Add everything to your note or to your Google Doc or to your journal. but tune in to the calm, grounded part of you that's underneath all that noise. and ask ask that part of you. Is this what you want, honey? Is this what you want? Are we on the right track? And if the course says yes, and it to me, the core of you doesn't speak in words, it's just a knowing. If the knowing is like, yes, then all you can do is reassure yourself and focus on the present. Reasure the part of you that's panicking. It's okay. You're okay right now. You're okay. It's gonna be okay. You have to be your own best friend here and be extremely kind to yourself. to counterbalance the panic that's happening. And surround yourself with people who are kind to who support you, who know you, and who have your well-being at heart. Not people who are wrapped up in societal expectations of what looks good, what a a good person should do, or whatever bullshit we are fed in this society about how we should lead our love life. Okay? I want you to feel held by the people you surround yourself with. And if it's just one person, that's okay. And if it's just one person that you have to pay like a therapist or a coach, that's okay too. And if you have to spend time with people who don't support you, try and create some distance between what they're saying and what you're experiencing. And remember that what they're saying says nothing about you and your decision and everything about them and how they see the world. So go and find the kind souls. and practice being kind to yourself like more than you ever have before. You're basically like reassuring a child. There's a part of you, a young part of you that is feeling completely unsafe right now that has lost all of their bearings. So it's very normal. that you're going to a stress response, like a survival instinct, like a child who was abandoned. and you have to show up in parallel as the adult, the loving caretaker, who is there to wrap your arms around the scared child. Okay? I wanna here, I wanna share gratefulness about a friend of mine. My friends were so amazing throughout my breakup, but one of my friends she took me with her and her family for the weekend, and Her mom I don't know if I told shared that with you before. Her mom, like, prepared a bath for me, with candles and, like, soft music, and they were so caring. And I just could talk and talk and talk to her, and She never made me feel like I was too much. Like, I was feeling too much. And then when we came back home to Montreal when we left her family's house and came back home to Montreal, she gave me the keys to her apartment, and she said come here whenever. And to me, like, this makes me feel emotional as I share this because to me, I had already taken a of all of her kindness, and she had even more to give. And it it made me cry.
Like, it moved me to tears that she would be so kind, and that leads me to stage 3, which is deep sadness. you're gonna experience deep sadness, and you have to practice receiving care. and you are experiencing a profound loss. But sadness about a decision doesn't mean it was the wrong decision, and I'm gonna say that again. Sadness about a decision does not mean it was the wrong decision. It only means that whatever you experience in that relationship meant a lot to you. To me, that stage of deep sadness felt like someone was stepping on my chest. The author in the book coming apart writes, what rises to the surface of your consciousness is the awareness that you are losing not only a companion, but also a history, a way of being, a social context, a sense of identity, a blueprint for your future, and on the most basic level a definition of yourself. You are losing a part of you. A part of you has died. So there is lots and lots and lots of crying, and you have to let yourself cry just like I was saying you have to let yourself be taken care of. You have to let yourself cry. This is not a time for ego. Crying is not weak. Crying is normal. Your body needs it. so don't let your ego tell you that that you should get over it faster. The depth of your sorrow represents how much you loved the person, how important the relationship was to you. And the author writes, the more you cry, the more you facilitate the process grieving. So you have to let yourself go there if you want to heal. She also adds Quote, it is only if you have come apart to the depth of your tears to the depth of your sorrow, to the depth of your hopes and your dreams and your expectations and your memories that you will ever be able to knit yourself back together again. insert meaningful silence here. This is important. So my tip here for you is if you have work to do or children to take care of and you cannot spend hours and hours crying, Maybe you put a timer on your phone like the daughter does in the in the series on Apple TV called shrinking. She's like, okay. I give myself 15 minutes to grieve, and she cries and cries and cries, and then when the timer rings, she moves on. Maybe you choose a sad song, and you cry the whole time you listen to the song. But please, in that time of deep sadness, reduce your to do list to a minimum and suspend self judgment. It's okay to be a mess right now. It's okay to be a mess. it just means that you cared and that you opened your heart for someone. and that you got hurt. That is the human experience, my friends. It just mean you're living your life fully.
So let's go to stage 4. Stage 4 is acknowledgment, so it's when you sort of cross a line and arrive at a quiet inner knowing where you are ready to see the reality for what it is. The author writes, after this cleansing by tears, there is often a time of dazzling clarity in which you say to yourself, Now I can see it really is over. It's the knowledge that you have been trying to suppress, that rises to the surface. You see what wasn't working with a calmer mind and clearer eyes. and a sort of acceptance. And I don't have a lot to say about that stage, so we're gonna move on to the next one.
Stage 5, making meaning. This is the story you make the way you talk to yourself and to others about the breakup. You're trying to understand or interpret the situation. so you have to try on all the angles and talk about it in different ways. It's kind of like a detective is trying to solve a crime. Yes, you've made the decision, so you had to think it through before you made the decision, right? But very often, we don't have all the answers, when we make the decision, we're just operating from a, like, a really strong gut feeling. And then afterwards, there is a lot of reflection time to try and really understand what happened. And you have to be careful at that stage Not to fall into that, it's all my fault narrative, and beat yourself up with guilt. Is normal to feel guilty, we just don't want to use it like a weapon against ourselves. You also have to be mindful of the it's all their fault narrative. Allow yourself to go through blaming in order to, you know, deal with your hurt feelings, but don't stay there indefinitely. Some people spend their whole life there, or just years of their life, blaming the other. But you're not a victim. relationships and all the time. You're not a perpetrator. You're not a victim, so, you know, enough with the self pity. because the reality is probably somewhere in the gray. You all did things that weren't great. because we're imperfect human beings, and you can learn from them. So basically allow yourself to to feel all the feelings if you need to be angry at them and blame them. If you feel if you need to feel sorry for yourself and guilty about what you did. Do it. You know, all the feelings are welcomed. Just don't dwell too long. Don't go in circles too long. in one specific feeling because it's probably not representative of reality. Now my tip here is journaling. you're gonna need to do a lot of reflection in order to help understand yourself, gain awareness so that you can grow from that experience. I don't know how people break up without hours and hours of journaling afterwards. It was essential to me. I never wrote so much in my life, I don't think, in a short period of time.
So because of that, I created the tool that I would have wanted to have back then. It's a reflection book, to understand your breakup. So it's very much inspired by the exercises in the in the book coming apart, but I added a a Marie twist to it. It's free. I'm I just created that because I would have wanted to have that, and I know how useful it's gonna be. I want you to to, like, print it out, or you can use it on your computer if you want. But, ideally, you print it out, and you just let spill your guts on the paper. So you can go download it for free at selfgrowthnerds.com/breakup , and, hopefully, that helps you. And if you know someone who just broke up or got broken up with, send it to them. Okay? So that's it for this week. Part 2 next week, we're gonna go through the last five stages, but these were the first five. They're really intense, and I'll I'll be back next week with more. And don't forget to go get the workbook, the reflection workbook. atselfgolfnerds.com/breakup. And I don't know why I'm saying this singing because breakup is such a serious topic. But I know, you know, it's good to to laugh and add some light lightheartedness into the mess. So have a beautiful week, my friend. I'm sending you a big, big, big hug I know this is hard if you're going through it right now. I wanna tell you what I used to tell myself on the Pacific Crest Trail. Yes. This is tough, and you are tough enough. Have a beautiful week. Bye.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:40]:
If you love what you're hearing on the Self Growth Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality. You have the check out how we can work together on selfgrowatnerds.com or message me on instagram@selfgrowthnerds. My client say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.