Episode 127 - Advocating For Your Needs
Speaking what you want and need in order to thrive can be a daunting task - and yet, this skill has the power to massively transform the quality of your life. In this episode, I discuss the importance of being unapologetic about who you are and how to handle the fear of rejection and the discomfort that comes with direct communication.
Topics
Going against your needs is going against your nature.
Embracing authenticity and not trying to be someone you're not.
The problem with passive communication and unmet needs.
Facing the fear of rejection and rewiring our brains for safety
Speaking up about our desires may repel some people, but it will attract those who truly align with us: Attracting those who align with us creates more fulfilling opportunities in life.
Links
If you need help advocating for your needs and desire, click here to book a free 1:1 discovery session.
Resources
Book:
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the self growth nerds Podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since through hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 20 19, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:38]:
Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm good. And today, we are talking about something that's so important, which is advocating for your needs and your desires. I believe this is going to impact the quality of your life So much. If you feel frustrated a lot of the time like you're twisting yourself in a pretzel trying to fit into a mold that doesn't feel like you. It's probably because you have stopped or never learned to advocate for what you a unique being wants and needs in order to thrive. I don't know much about plants, but maybe you're trying to be like a cactus that doesn't need much water. When you're actually the sort of plant that would need water every day. Or maybe you're trying to be the sort of plant that can live in the shade where actually you need to be in the sun. Maybe you've been working against your nature in order to be more convenient for others in your life, in order to fit into the life that you have instead of create a new kind of life that's aligned with who you are at your core. That's what I have been learning in this season of my life. It's being okay about what I want, owning the fuck out of my needs and my desires. Instead of trying to be someone that I'm not. For a long time, I tried convincing myself that I didn't need certain things. In an intimate relationship so that I could remain in the relationship that I was in. I didn't want to have to make changes. It was inconvenient for me. But truth is inconvenient. And fighting reality has its limits. The plant who needs to be in the sun is going to die in the shade. So if you're not in the right environment for you, Of course, you're going to feel depressed. Of course, you're going to have bouts of rage or or random illnesses that show up. You're not taking care of yourself like you need to be taken care of. And that's most probably because you think you don't deserve it, but we're gonna get back to that. So what I've been practicing is getting in touch with me and being bold and shameless in naming what I seek. I made a few lists that were transformative for me, and I definitely recommend that you try it out. It came from the book Unbound by Kazia Urbaniac. Basically, what you do is You connect with a rebellious side of you, and you write down what the quote unquote bad girl in you desires. You transcend your good girl conditioning. And I'm not talking about gender here. It has nothing to do with gender, more I'm talking in terms of archetype, the archetype of the good girl who does what's expected of her. You've got to transcend that to to say, fuck you. To that and get in touch with your inner rebel. What does your inner rebel want? Write it down. 1 thing that I've been really impressed by in the kink non monogamous community is how clear people are about their desires. Because consent is a very important value in the kink community. You have to know what you want and what you don't want, and you have to be able to express it. It's encouraged. It's celebrated. For example, someone someone might write on their profile. I enjoy being spanked. I enjoy being called a good girl, and I want to explore BDSM. Now very clear, very shameless, just a matter of fact, this is what I am looking for. On places like Tinder, Bumble, this might seem like woah, too much too much versus in the king community is just what expected, so you don't feel awkward naming your preferences. And that also translates in real life encounters. Where there is a lot more open communication about what everyone's limits are and what they are interested in experiencing. All of that is very different from what we've been taught. We've been taught to use passive polite communication. Like, for example, asking a question instead of saying a statement, asking are you hungry? Should we get dinner soon instead of saying, I'm hungry. Let's get dinner. The problem with passive communication is that you ask, are you hungry? Should we get dinner soon? You hope the other person gives you the answer that you want. And then if they don't, you get annoyed because what you're actually saying is I have a need to eat right now and you're waiting for the other person to help you fulfill your need. And then if they don't read between the lines, If they're not a psychic or if their need is not in alignment with your need, then you are left in a position where your need is unmet. 1 of the reasons we do this is because we operate from the belief that we are wrong for wanting or needing what we want or need and are only allowed those desires or those needs if they align with others or if they are approved by them. We put other people's well-being first. And that makes sense. We do it unconsciously because that's how we have been conditioned. Let me ask you this. How do you think you would show up if you felt like all your needs and your desires were a hundred percent legit. I ask my clients this question sometimes, and the other day, 1 of them said, oh, well, the the cocky version of me would say this, this, and that. And the cocky version of them is actually just the version of them that advocates for themselves. It's very basic. It's nothing outrageous. They didn't say anything outrageous. They were just very neutral about what what they want, but it has a negative connotation. Because we've been taught to be a good girl if we wanna be loved, if we wanna be approved of. But we've got to rebel against the good girl conditioning like I was saying and reclaim our cockiness. Or what feels like cockiness that's actually just basic personal agency. Now the way that you'll be able to do that is to face your fear of rejection. To realize that you're no longer a child who's dependent on adult love, and care in order to survive. To remind yourself that if your boss is annoyed, that you decided to leave at 5, you will survive. If your mom is pissed because you don't pick up the phone every time you will survive. You will have to practice experiencing that other people disapproving of you is not dangerous to your life. It feels like that in our body, though. To our nervous system, it feels like death. Because that's how we've been wired like I was talking about last week. We have evolved to wanna be approved by the tribe. That's what kept kept us safe and warm and, you know, have have a place around the fire with the others. He had a lot less chances to be attacked by a wild animal if you were surrounded with your peers. But this is no longer our reality, and so we have to Rewire our brains and teach our bodies that we are safe even if someone is disappointed because we said no to their request to do some extra work, for example. If you can move through the physical sensation that arises in you when someone disapproves and you build resilience there, Your life will get so much better. So much better. And you will also attract people that align with the kind of person that you are and the kind of life that you want to have. Simone Grace Sale, she's a marketing coach. She says you have to be willing to repel if you want to attract. So if you speak your desires very specifically, Of course, some people are gonna be turned off. Of course, some people are gonna be like, ugh, that's not for me, but that's great news. Because they're going to go away. You're gonna weed out the people are not for you, and you're there's gonna be less people around you, less opportunities around you, but the opportunities for relationships, for jobs, for activities are going to be opportunities that actually match match who you are deep down inside. So that's it for today. It was a quick episode encouraging you to own what you need, what you want out of life even if it's uncomfortable at first. The more you do it, The more your life will improve, and the more you will be sold on the importance and the power of knowing what you want and going after it shamelessly, unapologetically. Okay? I hope this was helpful. And if you want to work with me more intimately, to become more apologetic to get in touch with the the the quote unquote cocky version of you. Even though I don't think it's cockiness, I just think it's personal power. You want help connecting with your personal power. Book a 1 on 1 call with me. The first 1 is free, and we're gonna talk about what that look like, what working together looks like, and how your life could potentially be transformed if you advocated for what you want. Okay? So self growth nerds dot com, slash coaching. I hope I get to meet you, and I will talk to you next week. Have a beautiful rest of your day. Bye.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:40]:
If you love what you're hearing on the Self Growth Nerd's podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the career to make your dreams a reality? You have to check out how we can work together on self growth nerds dot com or message me on Instagram at self grow nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, Don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.