Episode 128 - When You’re in a Rush
When we’re desperate to send that text or to quit our job, it’s often a sign that we are letting our primitive brain take over. We are better off waiting for the calm after the storm before taking any action if we want to create a more intentional life. In this episode, I talk about what creates this sense of rush and how to ground yourself back in self-worth.
Topics
How to approach a situation calmly when I'm feeling rushed or unsettled.
Communication in Dating and Jobs.
How relying on external validation prevents self-development and self-reliance.
Regulating the nervous system and connecting to self-worth before seeking validation from others.
The benefits of creating an intentional life based on personal values rather than being driven by emotions or seeking approval from others.
Developing a high tolerance for uncertainty.
Links
If you need help advocating for your needs and desire, click here to book a free 1:1 discovery session.
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:00]:
Um hey. Welcome to the self growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul and adventure seeker since through hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams, too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, Nerds. How are you? I am doing so good. I just came back from the UK. I was there for ten days to go to an event called the Dew Lectures.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:52]:
It happens every year in July in a field in Wales. I say in a field, but it's on a farm, actually. Basically, it's like summer camp meets Ted Talks. You go there, you have to apply first. It's 100 attendees only. It's never going to get bigger than that. Hundred people go there, sleep in tents. There's three of us in every tent.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:19]:
And it's a four day intensive of talks, workshops, delicious meals, really good coffee, live music, bonfires, group singing. Seriously, this broke my heart open in the best of ways. I cried literally every day. It's very intense. You wake up early in the morning, woke up at 630 every morning, and then I just didn't want to go to bed in the evening because I wanted to. Soak it all in. The people who go there, they are some of the most genuine, caring, vulnerable, purpose driven human beings I've ever met. Everyone goes there.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:03]:
Most people go there on their own, so everyone's super open to meeting new people and having deep conversations. So it's like exactly my cup of tea. On the last morning, I just kept crying because, well, first, I was tired, and second, I felt like I was being ripped away from something so beautiful that was only starting. One of the new friends I made there, his name is Nye. He said it was like coming back from the depth of the ocean, and I couldn't agree more. It was such an intense four days, and coming back to reality was like, okay, now what? It definitely helped me reconnect with my purpose and also fall in love with human beings again and remember the kind of people that I really want to surround myself with and work with. I want to be around kind hearted change makers. And if that's you, but you feel like you've been keeping quiet and you haven't been putting yourself out there, if you know you have something important to share with the world and you've been hesitating you are the person that I want to work with because we need your unique voice.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:32]:
We need your perspective. We need your knowledge. And it's a shame that too many of you have been keeping your foot on the brake because you're scared that you're not good enough and that you don't know how. And that you're going to mess things up. Listen, one of the things that I learned at the do lectures is that the more ambitious you are, the bigger your dreams are, the messier your path is going to be. And I'm here to help you tolerate, even embrace that mess so that you can do what you have come to this earth to do. So this is not the topic of today's episode, but if you want to get on a call with me, a free call, to discuss this more thoroughly, go to selfgirltnerds.com coaching. Okay, now let's jump into today's topic, which is being in a rush.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:32]:
You know this state of being when you're like, oh, I need to make a decision now. I need to do this now. When you're restless and you're not feeling good inside of you, so you're desperate to take action in order to feel better. When that happens, it's often a sign that you are acting from a wound, that your nervous system is dysregulated. And that's rarely when we make the best decisions in our life. And I really want to look at this because I want you to create purposeful, intentional lives. And we won't be able to do that if we let emotion take over. And when we're in a rush, it's our emotions that are driving the show.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:18]:
Okay, I'm going to talk you through three examples, and then we're going to look at what they have in common. And then I'm going to give you a simple three step method to interrupt that pattern. Sounds good. Let's do it. The first example is when you spend an evening with a friend, for example. And then you come home and you're second guessing how you showed up with them. Maybe you worry that you talked too much, for example. And so you feel in a rush to send, like, an apology text.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:56]:
For example. You're typing on your phone and you're like, oh, sorry, I talked a lot tonight. Next time I'm going to listen to you. I'm sure you've done that. I'm sure you've lied in bed at night thinking about what you said or didn't say or how you wish you had showed up and worrying about what your friend thinks of you and trying to think about how you can redeem yourself or something. What's happening when you are sending that apology text is that you want to be reassured that you are still loved even when you take up space. This is coming from a wound. You may have integrated in your past experiences that when you take up space, you get shut down.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:48]:
So now you are acting as this younger version of you. You are not grounded in a sense of self worth. Now, what happens when you are acting from a wound like this is you are in people pleasing mode. You're not being really present with yourself, with the other person. You might even be missing out on what friendship really is. Friendship is not a transactional 50 50 exchange of words versus when you are grounded in a sense of self worth. You accept yourself and others as they are. Sometimes our friends are annoying.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:30]:
Sometimes we are annoying. Sometimes we do talk too much too much. Sometimes our friends also do because they're nervous or they had a hard day, but we love them anyway. Ideally, you want to be surrounded by people who love you just for who you are. They don't love you for how you showed up in a specific moment. No. They accept you with your strengths, your quirkiness, your flaws. They accept the whole package.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:00]:
And they understand that you're not going to be exactly the same every single day, that you're going to be going through different phases, that you're going to evolve. They just like the essence of you think about your favorite people. You don't judge them on every single thing that they do or don't do. You just love the essence of who they are. Now, can you consider that you might be loved in the same way as well? Now, bear with me. I will come back to what to do when you feel like you need to send a text to apologize. Going to come back to that at the end. But first I want to give you another example of when you're in a rush.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:44]:
Let's say you are dating someone. You are at the start of dating and you're getting really interested in this other person and you feel in a rush to define the relationship. Now you're feeling super anxious and you desperately want them to tell you, yes, we're a couple. Yes, we're exclusive. Now, we have to be careful here because again, this is another example of us wanting to be reassured that we're not going to be abandoned. And when we are doing this, we are often acting as a younger version of ourselves who's dependent on an adult instead of acting as a grounded adult, who knows that they are fine on their own and they have full agency to choose who they want to be with. When we do this, when we're focused on defining the structure of the relationship early on, we're not really present. We're trying to gain a sense of security from relationship status instead of creating a real connection with someone, instead of really seeing who's in front of us, getting to discover them.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:01]:
We're like ticking boxes in our mind and thinking, that's it, I found my person, this is it. Phew. I won't die alone. Right? We don't consciously say that, but that's what we're doing, what many of us are doing, because we have integrated that it's important in this society to be paired up. But this leads to confirmation bias, which means that when you are focused on the idea that this is your person, then you are likely to ignore potential red flags as to not mess with the story you've made up in your mind about who they are and the role they're going to fulfill in your life. That story makes you feel good. It makes you feel better than actually sitting with them and getting to know them and taking your time. Even if you get the other person to say, yes, we're exclusive.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:01]:
Yes, we're a couple, this structure only gives you a fake sense of security. Just like some people rely on the idea of being married in order to feel secure, when we all know that so many people cheat. What if we couldn't have relationship statuses? Just think about it as an experiment. If there was no terms, it was just humans getting to connect, what would we rely on in order to feel secure? We just have to trust that who we are is enough, that what we have to offer is enough, and that the other person will keep coming back for that, and that if they don't, that's okay, because there are other people who can offer us what we need. I think it's mind-blowing to think about so many people say, oh, okay, I got married. This person is mine now they're not going anywhere, therefore I am safe. But that is an illusion because we are all adults who are free to leave at any time. And a stronger sense of security comes from the knowledge that we are strong on our own and that we have the ability to create community wherever we go, that we're not dependent on one other person choosing us.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:29]:
That's what I find so interesting about ethical non-monogamy. Because if you and your partner can go to other people and you keep committing to each other again and again, then you are really committed. You're not committed because you have to, but because you choose to. And I'm not saying that's not the case for monogamous couples. Some monogamous people actively choose to be monogamous, but there are many also who just do it by default. And that if we took away the structure of monogamy, there would be very little to keep the two people together because their togetherness relies on the structure more than the strength of the connection between the two people. Now, my last example is related to work. Let's say your boss does something and you feel disrespected and you're in a rush to quit.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:39]:
You want to find another job. Now you're being disrespected, you need to go. Let's say maybe you asked for time off and they said no. You feel angry and you are acting out of self-preservation. You want to ensure that you will never be trapped again. This is acting from a wounded place, like a scared animal. Now, let's say you were grounded in your sense of worth and agency. You would know, oh, there's no rush.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:12]:
No one can trap me ever. I can leave whenever I want. And you would have the calm presence to think about, okay, why are they reacting this way? What's important to my boss that I'm not seeing? How could I bring this up in a way where it's a win win for both of us? Where can we meet in the middle? But when we're in a rush and when we're acting from a place of scarcity and survival instinct, we miss all of that valuable information. We miss the person that's in front of us. So these were my three examples. The friend, the romantic relationship, and the boss refusing your time off. Now, what do these three examples have in common? Well, number one, these three situations all make you feel like one of your important needs is threatened. Like you need to be loved, you need to not be abandoned.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:16]:
You need to be free. And because you feel threatened, you react from a place of survival instinct. It's your unconscious lizard brain that takes over to ensure that you will remain safe. Instead of responding from your conscious mind, grounded in self worth. When you do that, you are giving your power away. You are putting your well being in the hands of other people. Hoping that your friend will text you back, saying that it's not a problem, it's okay, everything is good, hoping that the person you've been dating reassures you by saying, yes, we are exclusive. Yes, I want to be with you forever.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:01]:
Hoping that you leave the job and then you find another one where you feel respected all the time. These are all things that you have very little control over. And when you rely on this external validation, you never learn to soothe yourself. You never develop a relationship with yourself. You remain dependent on what's outside of you, instead of creating a home within yourself and strengthening your sense of agency and self worth. Now you need to learn how to regulate your nervous system and connect to your self worth before taking action, before being in a rush to text your friend, before requiring someone to commit to you prematurely, before quitting your job as an impulsive decision. If you want to create an intentional life that's driven by your values, by what's important to you, instead of a life that's driven by your emotions, what you need to do in order for people to like you, this is going to be very important. Your tolerance to uncertainty will have a massive impact on the quality of your life.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:31]:
There's this person, this speaker that I met at the do lectures called Sam ConIf. He said we need to upgrade our evolutionary instincts. We're going to make better decisions. How? This is the work I do with my clients. It's a pattern interrupt. And I'm going to walk you through three steps. Now, I hope it's going to help you, but if you really want to integrate that into your life so that it becomes your new normal, then I highly recommend that we work together. More closely.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:09]:
It's kind of like reps in the gym. If you want the muscles to strengthen, you can't just do it once or twice. You have to practice. And practicing consistently is much easier when you have a coach next to you. Okay, so step one is the art of the pause. Pausing when you are unsettled. When you notice that you feel super restless, like you're going to die, you've got to pause, slow down the time. And another term that I learned from Sam ConIf is interoception.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:49]:
You have to improve your interoception, which is the ability to understand your inner signals. So when you sense that your nervous system is dysregulated, that you've fallen into stress response, you pause before you act. Step two, you must soothe yourself first before doing anything else. You ask yourself, oh, what's going on? What's going on? You seem concerned. What's up? What do you need right now? And then you ask yourself, how can I give that to myself right now? Instead of rushing to get it from somewhere else? How can I give that to myself? So if we think about the three examples, if you feel worried about how you showed up with your friend, okay, what's going on? I'm just scared she's not going to like me anymore. What do you need? I need to know that she loves me, that I'm safe, that our friendship is safe. How can I give that to myself? Well, that's not what friendships are about. You've been friends for so long.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:12]:
She loves you for you. Like, what would you tell someone else? What would you tell a friend that has the same worry? You might say that's okay. That happens to the best of us. We all talk too much sometimes. It's okay. You're safe. Literally nothing has gone wrong. And it's normal to feel this way because you love them.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:36]:
You love this friend of yours. They're really important to you. It's normal, but you're okay. If we think about the dating example, you want some reassurance from the person you're seeing. You want them to tell you, yes, we're exclusive. Ask yourself what's going on? What's the rush about? What's this desperate energy? What do you need right now? Well, I'm just scared that they're going to go away. I really like them. Okay, tell me more.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:12]:
Well, I really like them, and I'm afraid that they don't really like me and that I'm not good enough for them and they're going to find someone better. Okay, how can you give yourself that reassurance? What would you tell a friend who's going through the same thing? Maybe you would tell them, you are magnificent. You are so good. And if they don't appreciate you as you are, it's their loss. But whatever happens, they're not the only person. There are other people like them. There are other people that are just as wonderful as you think they are. There's not just one person for you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:58]:
There's plenty of people for you. If it's not them, it's going to be someone else. And that takes a lot of practice to speak to ourselves that way. But it is life changing and that is some of the work I do with my clients. It's something that you learn a way to talk to yourself, a much more compassionate, loving way to talk to yourself that you need to practice. Most of you are so good at that with your friends. Think about how you would talk to your four year old niece or something. This is how you need to talk to yourself.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:36]:
Because the part of you that is freaking out is the four or five year old part of you that's scared to be abandoned, that's scared to be shut down like they actually were when they were a child. That sad, rejected, inner child is in there. You have to talk to yourself like you would talk to a four year old. I'm not joking. That's the mistake that I see most people doing, including myself, is going straight to intellectualizing, being rational, talking to an adult. Don't talk to yourself like you're an adult. You sometimes have to talk to the four year old in you. And step three, once you have managed to soothe yourself then from a place of calm, you consciously choose how you want to respond.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:29]:
You might realize, actually this evening with my friend was completely fine and I don't need to text him. You might decide, oh actually I do want to have a conversation with the person I'm dating to see if we're on the same page. But it's going to come from a completely different kind of energy and from a place of calm. Maybe you will realize that actually you asked for time off at your job in June and June is the busiest month. So it kind of makes sense that your boss said no and maybe you might bring a counteroffer to them and have an open conversation with them the next day after sleeping on it instead of quitting your job. So these are the three steps pausing when you are unsettled. And this feels awful because all you want to do is feel better. You want to just take the easiest action that's going to make you feel settled again.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:25]:
But you want to pause and be with the uncertainty and the inner turbulence and the mess. This is really hard. And then soothe yourself before you do anything else. This is healing your wounds. This is actually reparenting yourself. This is the most important work you can do. Instead of being stuck in a default programming, you are breaking interrupting that pattern and deciding consciously how you want to show up in your life. When you do that, life becomes so much better.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:11]:
You feel more authentic. You feel more present. You are with your friends instead of worrying about what they think of you. You get to know the people who are in front of you on a deeper level because you're not trying to please them. You're not trying to be accepted by the tribe. You're just being because you feel safe. You don't need to constantly control your surroundings because you have a secure foundation, a grounded sense of self-worth inside of you. This changes everything.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:51]:
You're not reacting to life. You're responding to life. So this is it for this week. If you want to do this work together, go to selfgrownards.com coaching and book a free call with me. We're going to talk about your specific situation and how doing this work could actually change the course of your life. So have a beautiful week, and please reach out if you have any questions. If you want me to clarify something that I've explained in this episode, I would love to. I'm self growth nerds on Instagram.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:26]:
I'm a real human, and I love to meet you guys. So have a good day. I'm sending you lots and lots of love. Bye. Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the Self Growth Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, you have to check out how we can work together on Selfgrowners.com or message me on Instagram at growth nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:10]:
Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you. Hey.