Episode 188 - Be Honest With Yourself (and get your POWER back!)
Telling ourselves the truth can hurt our ego, but it’s the only way to build self-trust and grow. In this episode, we dive deep into the power of self-honesty and why facing uncomfortable truths is essential to living a fulfilling life. Learn how self-deception holds you back and discover how to confront your inner reality with courage. Whether you feel stuck in a career, a relationship, or with an unconscious pattern or bad habit, embracing honesty with yourself is the key to breaking through barriers and creating lasting change.
Topics
Time Management and Prioritization
The myth of "I don't have time"
Blaming others vs. taking responsibility
Passive-aggressive vs. honest communication
Job dissatisfaction and self-sabotage
Financial decisions and true priorities
Overwhelm and asking for accommodations
Links
👉 Want to dig deeper into what you learned in the podcast? Go to selfgrowthnerds.com/school to work 1-on-1 with me! 👈
Mentioned in this episode: Intellectual Honesty, from Wes Kao’s newsletter
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the self growth nerds podcast. I'm your host Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since through hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm good. I am finally, finally moving tomorrow. I cannot wait.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:47]:
And I have some big exciting news about my professional life, but I wanna wait until it's official before I share it with you. Today we are talking about being honest with yourself. I think this episode might hurt, so get ready for some tough love. When I sat down to outline this episode, I had no idea what to talk about. So I was looking through the newsletter I'd received and one of them inspired me. It was by Wes Kao. Wes Kao is an entrepreneur, a marketer, a coach, and they sent an email about intellectual honesty. They were discussing intellectual honesty in the context of an argument or a debate, but I thought it was very much applicable to how we lead our personal and professional lives as well.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:40]:
And by the way, quick parenthesis. I often meet people who say they would love to have a podcast but they're worried they wouldn't know what to talk about every week. And you don't. Sometimes I'm super inspired and sometimes I'm pulling my hair out. But you know what I do, and what I suggest you do, is I commit to being someone who figures it out. So if I don't know what to talk about, I sit down and I look for ideas. I don't just sit there waiting for the idea to come to me. It's wonderful when that happens, but 90% of the time when it does not, I have to be proactive.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:23]:
And the way that I am proactive is just by being interested in a lot of stuff. By reading books, by listening to podcasts, by signing up to newsletters, signing up to courses, having conversations with interesting people. And then taking what I learn and asking myself how this could benefit the people that I wanna serve. So today I'm going to apply my own lens and my own experience to Wes Kau's newsletter about intellectual honesty and try to help you be more honest with yourself. Let's get started. First, their definition. Wes Gao writes that quote, intellectual honesty is seeking the truth and aiming to be accurate in your thinking and communication, end quote. Today we're gonna talk about the willingness to take ownership of the truth even if it hurts your ego.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:20]:
The willingness to call yourself out on the ways you're being emotional instead of objective about the situation in front of you. As well as the ways you're polishing the truth in order not to upset anyone, especially not yourself. You might think this doesn't apply to you, but we all do this without noticing. I'm gonna give you lots of examples so you might start noticing the ways in which you might not be as honest with yourself as you thought. And then we're going to talk about why we do this and why it's important to become more honest with ourselves. Okay? Let's start with the first example, which is quite an obvious one. When we say, oh, I don't have time to do this, and what we actually mean is this is not my priority right now, or I don't have the capacity for this, or I'm just not that interested. But we don't wanna upset anyone, and so we blame time or the lack of it.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:26]:
Now I'm not telling you to start telling everyone the truth all the time, but at least tell yourself the truth. Let's say you wanna write a book. You've been wanting to do this for ages, but you keep telling yourself you don't have time. This is a lie. I don't know what the truth is for you specifically. It might be something like you're afraid of failure and so you prefer to spend your time on safer activities. Or it might be that in this season of your life you're raising your kids and it's just not a priority. If you take the time to explore, you will know what your truth is when you put your finger on it.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:12]:
It will resonate in your body. Let's keep going with another example. Someone asks you to do something for them and then a week later you say, oh, I didn't have time to do it. When actually the truth is you procrastinated all week because you didn't want to do it in the 1st place, but you said yes because you didn't wanna disappoint them. Or let's say you did want to do this thing for them, but there was a lot going on in your week and you didn't do it. You might say, I'm so sorry. I'm such a mess. I didn't do what I said I would do.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:48]:
We blame ourselves because we think unconsciously that if we beat ourselves up, we're gonna get more sympathy from the other person. Like they cannot be mad at me if they see I'm clearly mad at myself. This is another way we're not honest with ourselves. Because the truth in a situation like this might be closer to I overcommitted, I said yes to too many things this week, and it was unrealistic given my current schedule. When you take responsibility in a non reactive, neutral way like this, it allows you to see where the issue is and what you can improve if you choose to. Whereas, when you tell yourself a story of inadequacy, like how I'm such a mess, you lose all of your power. You kinda paint yourself in a corner because you're basically saying there's nothing I can change, this is just who I am. Of course, we don't do this consciously.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:51]:
It's a protective mechanism, just like blaming others. For example, you might say, oh, I didn't finish this task because Brian didn't send me the info I needed. But if you're a little bit more honest with yourself, you might say, actually, I didn't finish this task because I forgot to remind Brian to send me the info I needed. Now don't get me wrong, I also don't want you to gaslight yourself. Sometimes Brian is just an asshole, and you reminded him a 1000000 times he didn't send you what you needed and now you're in trouble. I want you to use your discernment here in this episode. I'm not telling you to take responsibility for everything. Of course, if you're in a relationship with a violent partner, I'm not saying that you should figure out what you've done for them to act like this.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:50]:
No, taking responsibility doesn't mean making something your fault. It's about recognizing the ways in which you might have a role to play or acknowledging where your power is in the situation. I'll give you one of my personal examples. I do a lot of discovery calls for people who might be interested in working with me. And sometimes people will book a call and then they will not show up. In the past, I would blame it all on them. I would judge them and think they were irresponsible. And in some cases, that might be true, but it doesn't serve me in any way.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:32]:
When I decided to take full responsibility and be more honest with myself, I thought, you know what? Maybe Marie, your system could be improved. Maybe you could send some reminders before the call. And you know what? That actually helped. Sometimes when people decide not to move forward and work together, the truth is we're just not a good fit. But sometimes if I'm really honest with myself, the more complex truth is maybe we're not a good fit, but also I know that I was not present in the call. I did not listen to them well. I was in a rush, and I might not have taken the time to understand properly, or then explain how I can help them in a clear way. It would be so much more comfortable just to say we're not a good fit and move on.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:31]:
But if I'm not willing to open myself up to the to the discomfort of that truth, then I'm not gonna grow as much. A small caveat that I would give you here is be careful not to swing the pendulum all the way to the other side and take all the responsibility on your shoulders. I know that I sometimes tend to do this and it's not helpful. Okay let's keep going with another example. Let's say a friend of yours has a new partner and they're not as available as they used to be when they were single. You might point fingers and tell them you never wanna hang out with me anymore since you've fallen in love. But if you were more honest with yourself and with them, you would say, I'm sad, because I feel like we don't spend as much quality time together as we used to, and I miss you. You might also approach them the passive aggressive way.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:35]:
Well, I know you're the kind to disappear when you fall in love. Again, that is not very honest. If you were honest with yourself and with them, you might say, I feel hurt that you stopped making an effort with me when you're in a relationship. Not only will this make it easier for for you to have compassion for yourself, it will also make it easier for the other person not to get defensive and want to meet you in the middle. And frankly, if they don't, then it's good information about the kind of person that they are. Okay, let's go with another example. Let's say you've been complaining about your boss, saying they're so annoying, they've been nagging me all month. If you slow down and get honest with yourself, you might discover that the truth is closer to actually my heart is no longer in this job.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:39]:
And so I show up differently. If you're honest with yourself, maybe it's a form of self sabotage. Maybe you've been wanting to change job, but you don't feel brave enough to do it yourself. And so you're trying to get your boss to do it for you, the same way that some people will cheat on their partner so that their partner breaks up with them so they don't have to do the hard work. Again, this is all unconscious. If you've been taught growing up that you shouldn't be honest about what you want, that being honest about what you want is selfish and being selfish is bad, then of course you're going to try and get what you want in a roundabout way instead of a direct, honest way. Because that's what's been rewarded your whole life. But that is a pattern that you can rewire.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:38]:
I'm gonna give you some more examples. Let's say there's a promotion you really wanted but someone else got it. You might tell your partner or your friends, I didn't get the promotion because so and so is such a kiss ass. Maybe that's true. And maybe what's also true is that your skills are not at the level that they need to be yet in order to get this promotion, and that there is room for improvement. That's okay. That's not a problem. It's not a reason to beat yourself up.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:12]:
Sure, it is not fun to hear. It's uncomfortable because it's asking you to make more of an effort. It's asking you to be vulnerable. But this is the only way you will grow. Okay, let's do another example. Let's say you've been looking for a job and you tell yourself this just isn't working, I've been looking for months. If you're honest with yourself though, you might notice that you have only applied to 3 jobs because you tend to overthink every application. So it's not that it's not working, it's that you're not quite working it.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:55]:
Again, it's not a reason to beat yourself up. It's an opportunity to see what you need to work on. Instead of blaming the economy, you might realize that you need to hire someone to help you heal your perfectionistic tendencies. It puts the control back into your own hands. Next example, you've been feeling overwhelmed at work and someone says, well, maybe you could speak to your manager and ask for a 4 day work week instead. And you say, oh, I can't afford to take time off. And maybe it's true. Maybe you're struggling to pay for your groceries.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:33]:
Or maybe the truth is you're not willing to sacrifice your current lifestyle. You enjoy the amount of money that you make and what it allows you to do. Maybe the the kind of clothes it allows you to buy or the kind of vacations it allows you to to book and you don't want to sacrifice that for more time off. Or let's say someone, an acquaintance invites you to go out to a fancy restaurant and you tell them, oh, I can't afford it. It's okay to tell them that. But to yourself, you wanna be honest and say, actually I can afford this. But spending time with them or eating fancy food is not worth this much to me. You get to reinforce what you value instead of telling yourself a false disempowering story.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:29]:
Okay. I have 3 more examples. Let's say you're dating someone and you're telling your friends they're so needy. When actually, maybe if you're honest with yourself and you look at your behavior, you have not been consistent in your communication with them, and that makes them feel more anxious. Maybe you don't have the capacity right now for a relationship. Being honest with yourself and with them about that could be the most respectful thing to do and save everyone a lot of heartache. Okay. Next example.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:06]:
I've had a lot of people tell me they'd love to do a thru hike, but they would never be able to. And for some, it's true. But for many others, this is just a limiting story. This is a story that I used to tell myself before I found the courage to give it a try. The truth was I wanted to do a thru hike but I was afraid I would not have the discipline to train the way I thought I needed to. When you tell yourself I would love to do this but I would never be able to, you're closing doors. Whereas when you're honest with yourself about what the issue really is, then you have a choice. Do I want to work on this or not? The last example is a personal anecdote.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:57]:
I was looking to hire a business coach, and so I signed up to go on a discovery call with this person I'd been following for a long time. And while we were on the call, I felt like the the match was a good one. She didn't really understand what my issue was and the kind of help I needed. So towards the end, when she told me about her services and she asked if I wanted to work with her, instead of just telling her, I'm gonna think about it, like most people do and like I would have done a year ago, I decided to be honest with myself and honest with her. And I said, no. I said, no. I think it's not a good fit for me. And then we hung up.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:46]:
And and what's funny is she she emailed me the next day, and she said, I've done more than a 100 discovery calls, and you are the first person to give me a no on the call. What is this? What happened? What happened, in my opinion, is that most people are not honest. I've been on lots of discovery calls myself and people will say things like this is not the right timing or I don't have the money. And sure sometimes it is true And I don't mind if they tell me that. I just want them to be honest with themselves. What's the truth? Sometimes the truth is I don't feel it with this person. Or I'm so afraid that I'm going to fail that I'd rather not try it in the first place. It takes a lot of self awareness to be able to figure out what's actually going on.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:43]:
You have to put your ego aside. And that's why we struggle to be honest with ourselves. Because it's vulnerable. So we blame others, we blame ourselves, or we make up culturally approved stories to protect ourselves. Because, like I was talking about earlier, we don't know how to tell ourselves the truth without making it mean we are bad. We haven't learned to be honest with ourselves without shame. It makes so much sense if you had a very critical parent or teacher who made your mistakes mean something about your worth as a human being, or just society in general doesn't reward authenticity, doesn't reward the the weird Barbies of this world. I realize this reference only makes sense if you've seen the Barbie movie, but I'm sure you get the gist.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:37]:
It's super uncomfortable to say this is who I am and this is what I want if it doesn't fit the popular narrative. I remember a friend of mine came to my place and in my office there was a Post it with a quote about financial abundance. And I remember feeling super uncomfortable because I didn't want her to think I was interested in money. Because being interested in money in in some circles is not noble. Right? It's superficial. But this this is part of who I am. I wanna make a good living. And it takes courage to own all the parts of you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:19]:
But I think it's super important for many reasons. 1, yes, it might repel some people who don't have the same values, but it's going to attract your people if you show up authentically. Clear, honest communication also makes for more healthy relationships because you don't have to read between the lines. What you see is what you get. This is also good for your relationship with yourself. You build trust with yourself. Just think about how you feel when someone doesn't do what they said they were gonna do again and again and doesn't acknowledge it. Like a friend who's always late and always has an excuse and never takes ownership.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:05]:
I see many people do that to themselves. They wanna be the kind of person who builds furniture or writes books and they talk about it. They say, oh, this year, this is the year I'm gonna write the book or I'm gonna build a table this month and they they might even buy the wood. But it doesn't happen and they never sit with themselves and do the introspective work to figure out what's actually going on. It's one thing to to break your own promises. It's not great for your relationship of trust with yourself. But what's more detrimental is pretending like it's not happening or beating yourself up over it instead of just having an honest conversation with yourself about the true reasons. Another way I know someone has a weak trust in selves is they tell me about their future self as if they have no control over them.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:01]:
For example, you might tell me I'm afraid if I start training for a marathon I'm just not going to follow through. It's like you're talking about someone else, this future self that's just gonna give up. Let's say I put myself in these shoes and I'm honest, I might say, okay I'm gonna start training for a marathon and I might realize along the way that it's not for me and then I'm gonna choose to stop. But I might also discover that I like it. We'll see. Notice how the situation is the same, but I know I'm in control every step of the way. And that's only possible when you try to be as honest with yourself as you can. If you've been training for a marathon and you stop, it's a decision.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:52]:
You decided to stop. It didn't just happen to you. You didn't just fall off the wagon. And you've got to take ownership. Again, without beating yourself up. That's where many people struggle. They can't take ownership because when they do, it's to be mean to themselves. You don't have to be mean to yourself.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:15]:
You can just say, okay, I stopped training because it was really freaking hard and I don't want to do something this hard right now. I just don't want to. It's okay. You're allowed to change your mind. Just be honest about it instead of putting yourself in the role of a victim. You're not a victim of your life. You make decisions. Own your decisions.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:41]:
And you also have unconscious patterns and conditioning that is getting in the way of you being who you want to be, if you are open to seeing these clearly, it gives you back your power. Instead of having a pity party or blaming others or blaming life, you get to focus on what you can control. And you can attend to what needs healing and work on what you want to improve, instead of keeping your head in the sand because it feels safe. So my challenge for you this week is try to see the ways in which you can be a little bit more honest with yourself. Get your head out of the sand about one aspect of your life, and be kind with yourself about it. If you are kind, it's going to give you space to be curious about what's really going on. So if you've been talking about how you're gonna stop smoking but never actually doing it, don't call yourself lazy, don't call yourself I don't know what other insult you might pick. But just acknowledge.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:56]:
Okay. I've been talking about this for a long time, and I don't do it. Clearly, a part of me loves to smoke. What's what's happening here? Or maybe you've been going to a a thing on every Tuesday, And every time you you come back home, you talk about how the people there are so annoying, and you're so tired of having to do this thing. And now this week is the time to say, actually, I just don't wanna go anymore. And I don't have to. I'm just scared to disappoint them. And see your power coming back into your own hands.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:36]:
See how this feels. This feels good. Scary as hell, but good in the sense that when you take an active role in your life, you feel more alive. So that's it. That's it for this week. I feel like it was going in all kinds of directions. I hope it was helpful. Please let me know what you take out of this.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:00]:
Reach out on Instagram at selfgrowthnerds and tell me the ways in which you you might have realized listening to this that you're not as honest with yourself as you want to be. And remember that self awareness is worth nothing if you cannot also be self compassionate. Okay. Have a beautiful week everyone. Sending you lots of love and I'll talk to you next week. Bye. Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the self growth nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, you have to check out how we can work together on self growth nerds dotcom or message me on Instagram at self growth nerds.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:51]:
My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.