Episode 136 - Managing Anxiety and Insecurity Better
When you worry about potential worst-case scenarios, what do you do? Do you go down an anxious spiral or do you try to shut it down with positive thinking instead? In this episode, we explore a compassionate approach to managing feelings of fear, stress and depression. Learn how to calm inner turmoil and cultivate a sense of wholeness. Join us as we discuss effective strategies to navigate powerful emotions and promote inner peace and resilience.
Topics
Life Update and YouTube Challenge.
Introduction to the analogy of the inner world as a business.
Description of the meeting table analogy and different parts of oneself.
The anxious part and its role in future catastrophizing.
Discussion of three possible approaches to managing the anxious part.
Links
👉 If you are ready to have your most daring end-of-year so far, click here to join my intensive 1:1 Coaching program THE AUDACITY.
Resources
📕Read the book: No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz
🔠 The Alphabet Superset challenge by Struthless (Campbell Walker)
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:00]:
Um hey, welcome to the self growth nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker since through hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? How have you been? I feel like it's been a long time since it's just been you and I. So today we're back together talking about a topic that I really love how to manage your anxiety better and create more inner peace. But before we jump in, I want to give you a little life update. So I started a challenge called Alphabet Superset by this YouTuber I really love called struthless.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:15]:
And how this works is that every week for 26 weeks, we create something based on the alphabet. So the first week was A. Now we're starting the B week, so we have to it's a bunch. I think there's 9000 of us in the challenge, all creating different types of work. For me, I decided to go with YouTube videos. I've told you about my desire to start a YouTube channel I've been trying to do so it has felt like giving birth. It has been super painful, and I think I needed a challenge like this to get my head out of my butt and into action some external accountability. My project is called 26 Weeks of Journaling Prompts for self Growth nerds.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:14]:
So for those of you who love to do some introspection, it's perfect. I'm going to drop a video every Saturday morning with a journaling prompt for you to reflect on. They're never going to be longer than five minutes, so super easy to consume. And then you sit down with your notebook, your coffee and your little blanket, and you spend the next six months doing some journaling at least once a week. I think this is going to be really fun. So just go to YouTube and write down Self Growth Nerds in the search bar. You should find me. And if you want to join the challenge, it's not too late.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:55]:
Just go to alphabetsuperset.com. It gives you a structure to get shit done, not only because there's external accountability, but also it's a great reminder that when you start a project, you need to have to set clear parameters. The reason why I was not making real progress on my desire to start a YouTube channel is because I was just thinking, oh, I just need to make videos about personal growth. How long? Not sure. What topics? Not sure. There was too much vagueness. Whereas this challenge encourages you to be like, okay, it's going to be once a week you're going to have to choose a theme that starts with a letter of the alphabet. And also you need a bigger theme, like, what's the common thread between all your videos? Choose that ahead of time.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:53]:
Be very specific as to what the goal is, what it's going to look like, how long it's going to be. So when I came up with the idea of, okay, it's going to be 26 journaling prompts and it's going to be my face in front of the camera, and it's going to be a limit of five minutes per video, and the videos are going to come out every Saturday morning. Oh my God, it brought me so much relief. It makes the whole thing easy, so much easier. It removes decision making from the equation. You don't have to every week try to okay, figure out what you're going to do. And it's like, I have a clear brief, I just have to follow the brief. So take that as an interesting case study for yourself.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:43]:
If there's a project that you've been procrastinating on, it might be because your parameters are too vague. Constraints often help you boost your creativity so you don't have to join the alphabet superset, but keep that in mind if there is anything that you've been postponing again and again and again, probably due to too much vagueness. Okay, what else is going on in my life right now? I just started working with my fall clients. It's been really fun to meet new people and get deep into what they want for their life. By the way, I have space for one more person. So if you've been curious about working together, book a call. Just go to selfgirltnerds.com audacity and you'll be able to click the big yellow button. Pick a time, a date, and a time that works for you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:42]:
And we'll get on the phone together for 45 minutes, talk about where you are and where you want to be, and you will for sure leave the call with so much more clarity about what you want and what is really deep down getting in your way. So even if you decide that right now is not the best time for you to hire me, that's completely fine. But at least you'll have a better understanding of where you're standing and what kind of support you need and when. Okay, so just book a call. There's nothing to lose. You'll have more data to work with moving forward. Now, speaking of my new clients, the theme of today's episode came from them because this topic kept coming back up in almost every session. It happens sometimes.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:40]:
It's like, oh my God, why is this the theme of the week? I think it's just in the air. And I figure if they need this reminder, there's probably a bunch of you that need it too. So let's talk about how to manage your anxiety better. I'm going to start with an analogy. Want you to picture your inner world as a business and in your mind there is a big meeting table around which there's different parts of you and then there's you the CEO, the boss of the company. You are not your parts. You are the observer of the parts. This is metacognition.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:28]:
We are the only animal who can do this, who can look at ourselves and how we are thinking, feeling and behaving, who can create distance between the character in the game and the player of the game. We can learn to look at ourselves from above. And how you're going to be able to manage your anxiety better is by becoming a better boss to all those different parts of you. Basically by changing the culture of the business. Instead of the business being super corporate and oriented on results and wanting their employees to produce, produce, produce. It's going to become a much more compassionate place to work at where you get to grow and learn and contribute to making a better world. Okay, so this is the analogy we're going to work with. Oh, by the way, what we are talking about today is very much influenced by the work of Richard Schwartz, creator of the internal family systems model.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:42]:
If you want to learn more about that, there's a book called no Bad Parts that you can go find and read. Now let's go back to the image of the meeting table. There's different parts of you around that meeting table. I'm going to give you four examples. The first one is the anxious part of you. It's sitting there and it's like raising its hand constantly. When you're talking about what you're wanting to do in the next few months, it raises its hand and it's like, but what if it doesn't work? What if this happens? What if that happens? It's doing some future catastrophizing of all the possible worst case scenarios. It's like your employee who's responsible for risk management.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:29]:
Now you have three options as to how you're going to manage this employee of yours. You can choose to spiral with the anxious part of you, meaning you go sit down next to them and you're like, oh my God, you're right. What if this happens? We're going to be so screwed. And you let their way of thinking take over. Okay, sit down with them and you're hyper focused on all the worst case scenarios. That's option number one. Option number two, you shut it down. You shut it down by saying, stop telling me all this.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:12]:
I don't need to know that. You're just stressing me out. You try to get your employee to shut up. That's option number two. Now how do you think that would make them feel? They're just trying to be helpful, trying to save your ass and you're saying, I don't want any of it. That's option number two. Option number three is you can also remain in control, see their positive intentions, take what can be useful and leave the rest. All of these different parts of you are actually parts of your conditioning that have been internalized as you were growing up.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:58]:
So they're younger parts of you. Imagine a toddler or like a five year old that's super worried, but what if it doesn't work? You're the parent here, so as a parent, ideally, you don't want to start worrying with your kid. You also don't want to shut down their emotions because their emotions are valid. So you want to make a mindful intervention with that young part of you. You want to ask yourself, okay, what does this part of me need right now? Most likely this part of you needs to feel seen and understood. That's all we ever want to feel seen and understood and taken care of and reassured. It wants to know that we're going to be okay. And the way you show up as the leader, as the parent, as the caregiver, is going to help them feel more or less secure.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:01]:
So let's go back to the image of the meeting table and there's this person that raises their hand and they're like, but what if this happens? What if it doesn't work? What if they don't like us? What if this okay, let's sit down together and look at what you're presenting us with. First of all, thank you. Thank you for bringing up these concerns. It's very important. Let's take a moment to look at each of them and work together to see how we could do our best to prevent this. So let's take the first one. What if we can't find a new job? Okay, let's answer the question. If we can't find a new job by the end of the month, then what? What can we do? What are the resources that we have access to? Let's make a plan.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:51]:
Let's figure out how we can set ourselves up for success. Because more often than not, what most of us do when we have a question like this, like, what if I can't find a new job? What we do is we go down the worst case scenario. If I can't find a new job, then I'm going to run out of money and then I'm not going to be able to pay my bills, and then I'm going to end up without a home, and then I'm going to die alone by the river. Instead of answering the question from a place of calm and connectedness to your resources. So, like, what if I don't find a new job by the end of the month? What could I do? Who could I reach out to? What else could I try that I haven't tried before? I see it all the time. People telling me I just don't know where to start. And when I ask them, what if you did know? Like, make a guess. What if you did know, where would you start? And then they give me a super insightful answer so you have the answers inside of you, it's just you forget.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:03]:
And the idea here is to practice slowing down, connecting to your inner power and looking for answers from that state of groundedness. The more you do it, the better you're going to get at it. It's going to become your new normal. Of course it's natural for all of us to freak out, but there's going to be a shorter amount of time between the moment you freak out and the moment you remember how resourceful you are. It can be super useful to work with a professional to get better at this. That's something I work on with my clients and that's something you can also work on with a therapist. Let's look at three more example, maybe around the table. There's also the pessimistic part of you who is focused on your past mistakes.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:02]:
So the anxious one was like thinking about the future and everything that could go wrong. And now this part of you is always reminding you of what happened in the past and using your past as evidence for what you can or cannot do in the future. So let's say you want to start a challenge like the one I mentioned at the start of the episode, like a 26 weeks creative challenge. This part of you might say, well, Marie, you've started challenges like this in the past and you always give up after three weeks. So is it really worth your time? You know the part you have again, three options you can decide to spiral with that part to say, oh yeah, you're right. I never really follow through. So I'm not going to waste my time and my energy. I'm just going to keep watching Netflix and doing stuff like this because there's less risk there.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:57]:
There's less risk that we're going to feel shame again for giving up once more. That's spiraling with it, giving it your power or you can shut it down. That's option number two. Being like, no, you shouldn't think like that. You shouldn't be so negative. Instead, you should believe things like, we can do this. But in that case, I can just imagine that part of you like rolling their eyes and thinking, really? You want me to pretend to be a cheerleader? Yeah. No.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:32]:
And your third option is to remain in control again, be compassionate. Welcome that part of you to the table. Make it feel seen and understood. Tell them something like, yeah, I know, I know that we've made mistakes in the past, but that doesn't mean we can't be different moving forward. I really want to try approaching this differently. I think it could work this time if, if we are mindful in the way we approach this, if we try something different. I know that's scary though. I know that you've internalized a lot of shame about making those mistakes in the past, but what if we decided to have our own back? What if we decided that no matter what happens, even if we give up after three weeks, it's okay.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:28]:
We're not going to beat ourselves up. What do you think about that? Do you think that would work? Can you be on board? And what would you need to feel okay about this to jump in with me in that project? Do you see the difference in your relationship with this part of you? Instead of letting it take over and deciding what's going to be possible for you or not moving forward? And instead of repressing that part of you, you are working together, cocreating trying to find a solution in which both of your needs are being fulfilled. Two more examples. Maybe there's a part of you around the table that's feeling depressed. That's feeling, lethargic we don't want to do anything. There is no point. People won't like it. It's not good enough.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:27]:
Let's just not you have three options. You can get on board with them and double down on the depression. That's option A. Option B that I see very often is you can shut it down. You can be like, no, we need to be positive. We've been depressed for long enough. We've been down for long enough. Time to get up, get off the couch, and let's get moving.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:56]:
Come on. Like an army general. Does that usually work? Not really. I'm not sure. Or maybe you can white knuckle your way forward, but it's still there deep down. It hasn't been taken care of like it longs for. So the third option is, again, to be the leader in this position and to care about that part of you, because good leaders, they care deeply about the people working with them. So, first of all, telling that part of you, you belong here, I care.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:34]:
And being curious, asking them questions, what do you need right now? Because the reason why there's so much resistance coming from them is probably because there's a fear that hasn't been processed. Maybe you're going too fast, not resting enough. You're doing things in a way that's not in alignment. You need to have a conversation with that part of you to get more information, to understand why they're feeling this way, to be there for them instead of rolling your eyes at them and wishing they weren't there. Slowing you down. All the parts of you that you think are slowing you down, they have a positive intention, and you are going to keep getting slowed down as long as you don't take a moment to connect with them and cater to their needs. It's kind of like a road trip with a bunch of kids. If there's one of them that has, like, a diaper full of poop and it keeps crying and crying and crying, you have a choice.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:49]:
You can keep driving towards your destination and be really annoyed with them for crying, or you can stop by the side of the road or the gas station and make sure that they have a clean diaper. And yes, it might slow you down, but you're going to have everyone in the car is going to have a much better time. You might get to the destination a little bit later, but you're going to feel so much more relaxed. Same thing here. Now one last example. Maybe there's around the table a part of you that's super perfectionistic, that thinks that what you've created is never good enough. Maybe you've written a book or a blog article or a song and you want to put it out into the world. But that part of you is like, no, it's not good enough.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:39]:
How dare you show this? We're going to get rejected. People are going to laugh at us. People are going to talk behind our backs. How do you want to relate to this part of you? Three options. You can spiral with it, which means giving it your control, being like, yeah, you're right, we should keep working on it. It's not good enough. Let's not put it out for another six months to a year. You are believing them or you can shut them down, tell them you don't care about what they have to say.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:16]:
But then that's kind of like shutting down a part of you that cares about excellence. It's an important part of you. The perfectionistic part of you wants to create good art, good content, good work. And we don't want to just discredit what they have to say completely. So the third option is the best, in my opinion, is remaining in control, having a conversation with them like, okay, I hear you. On one hand, I want you to feel proud of what we put out into the world. So tell me about what you think we could improve. And on the other hand, I also want you to know that it's safe for us to be imperfect, that we're not going to die if we put out work into the world that not everyone likes.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:11]:
Most people, they care about themselves more than they care about us. And yes, maybe they might judge or our work for 2 seconds, but then they're going to move on and we're going to get better and better. The more comfortable we get with failure, the more likely we are to succeed. So we might as well put it out there and keep creating and get better and better than just trying to perfect this one thing and get exhausted doing so. What do you think? Does that make sense? How can we meet in the middle? This is what I had to do with myself when it came to the YouTube channel, because I created two videos to start with. But the perfectionistic part of me hated them so much and refused to let me post them. So I had to level with that part of me and be like, okay, I get that you're not satisfied and I want you to be at least a little bit satisfied about what we post on YouTube. So what's the compromise that we could make? What would make you feel better? But also, please be aware that I want to get started as soon as possible.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:27]:
I don't want to wait another six months. And the compromise that we came up with is that I was going to buy myself a camera because I had filmed the first videos with my phone and I just didn't like the quality of the image and the sound. So I got myself a camera and a mic and signed up to this challenge. So we had like, a clear direction to go in. And then I created my first video. And again, that part of me, that perfectionistic part of me was not completely in love with the result. I don't think it's ever going to be. But it was like, okay, yeah, that feels much better.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:05]:
That feels much better. Let's do this. And we are working as a team. So I want you to think about the parts of you that you might have been spiraling with or shutting down and ask yourself how you can be a better boss to them, how you can stand in your power and make them feel welcomed. Tell them you can apologize to these parts of you. I'm so sorry I treated you this way. You belong here. This anxious part of you, pessimistic part of you perfectionistic, depressed part of you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:43]:
They all belong. And if you've made them feel otherwise, apologize. Because as long as you repress them, the journey is going to be unbearable. The journey is going to be painful. You think your life would be easier without them. You think your life would be easier if you weren't so anxious, if you weren't so depressed, if you weren't so hard on yourself. But the reality is your life is going to be easier once you start having a better relationship with those parts of you. It's your relationship with them that's derailing your progress, not necessarily the parts in themselves.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:25]:
Instead of blaming them, take responsibility for how you treat them. Okay? You have a lot more control over that than trying to wish them away. You can't just override what you've been conditioned to believe for the last 20, 30, 40 years, but you can consciously decide how you show up in your day to day. So that's it for this week. Hope you are leaving with some invaluable insights. Please reach out to me on Instagram if you want to share what came up for you. I'm on Instagram at selfgirlt nerds. I'm also now on YouTube.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:03]:
If you want to do some journaling, just search selfgirlt nerds. And lastly, if you want to do this, work more intimately with me. It's at selfgirltnerds.com audacity. Have a beautiful week and you can draw in your notebook a picture of that meeting table at the end of the day and add little stick figures to represent the parts that showed up that day and how you want to better manage them as the CEO of your beautiful, wholesome caring business. Okay, I will see you soon. Bye bye. Lots of love. Hey, if you love what you're hearing on the Self Growth Nerds podcast, and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, you have to check out how we can work together on Selfgrowthnerds.com or message me on Instagram at selfgrowth.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:28:10]:
Nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.