Episode 138 - 8 Unpopular Thoughts On Life
As a life coach, I never tell people how to lead their life. My job is to empower you to discover your true self and navigate your unique journey. That being said, I do have my personal guiding principles that you might resonate with and use as a way to clarify your own set of empowering beliefs and values. Remember: You’re the only expert on your own journey.
Topics
Trusting Yourself.
The Importance of Active Pursuit of Growth
Security and Fulfillment.
Embracing Mistakes.
Letting Go of Control and Trusting the Process.
Our tendency to search for the "right answer".
Links
👉 If you are ready to have your most daring end-of-year so far, click here to join my intensive 1:1 Coaching program THE AUDACITY.
Resources
🎙️Listen to the I Am Your Korean Mom podcast
đź“•Read the books:
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerd's Podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since through hiking, the Pacific Crestrail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm doing so good. Today, we are going through a list of my 8 most unpopular thoughts about life. This concept was inspired by one of my mentors called Simone Grace Seol, This woman has changed my life.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:00]:
She has a podcast called I am your Korean mom. So you can go listen to it if you are an entrepreneur or or a creative person. She, she's gonna help you market your work joyfully. That's what she writes. Market joyfully and with your full humanity intact. She's the number one person that has taught me that it's safe to be myself as I lead my business. Not only is it safe, but it is the most sustainable way to move forward. Cause if you try to be some someone else, as you market your business, your art practice, your freelancing, career, then you're just gonna burn out trying to fit into a box that doesn't feel natural.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:49]:
So, yeah, go listen to her or sign up to her newsletter. You can I've hired her she's had a massive impact on feeling at home within my professional life. So she created a list of her 10 most unpopular opinions about business and that inspired today's podcast episode Actually, if you follow me on Instagram, you might have seen a post. I created a post about this a few weeks ago, and now I just wanna take this and dig deeper into each point. So let's get started with number 1. Number 1, I think too much comfort is killing your inner flame. Nowadays, it's so easy to just get a job, do what you have to do, receive your paycheck, go home every night, watch TV, Do it again, every every day, 5 days a week, and never, ever challenge yourself. Like, back in the days, we were forced to grow because we had to get outside of the cave, go find our food, figure out how survive, but now survival is most often taken care of for those of us living in the west, who are privileged enough to listen to podcasts, who have the free time to listen to podcast.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:08]:
Like, the the base levels of the maslow pyramid of needs are ticked. The boxes are ticked, and we're at the level of self actualization. But nothing forces us to pursue growth unless we actively do. Think about this. If you were alone in a room with three books on topics that you were curious about, maybe it's investment, financial investment. If you were alone in the room with those books, you would for sure read them and learn a lot. But if you were in the same room with those books, and you also had your phone in there with you, you'll you'd be more likely to scroll Instagram, to watch Netflix, to chat with your friends and to stagnate. Because reading the books requires more effort, And we are wired to conserve energy and do as little effort as possible unless we decide to value otherwise.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:13]:
Unless we decide to actively step away from comfort in order to grow. Deep satisfaction doesn't come from seeking quick pleasures, like, the hit of dopamine you get when you're scrolling Instagram. But it comes from challenging yourself and seeing what you are capable of when you do something you're not used to. So if you've been feeling bored and disenchanted and jaded, it's probably because you're too comfortable because you haven't challenged yourself in a while. So how can you put yourself in a situation where you you will have to expand. You will have to uncover new parts of you. Sure, it's not always going to be fun. It will be painful because you'll be a beginner.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:12]:
Because you'll be shitty at first. But if you can overcome that and be kind to yourself as you fail and you learn, and you fail again and you learn again, you'll start feeling so much more alive. Your inner flame is gonna come back to life. So say it with me. I am someone who chooses courage over comfort. I am someone who chooses courage over comfort. Let's move to number 2. You're ignored calling is what makes you feel stuck.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:48]:
Now I wanna shout give a shout out to Aaron, my previous client who came up with this expression, you're ignored calling. I thought it was genius. So you think you don't know what to do next in your life, and that makes you feel overwhelmed. Because you're looking trying to figure out what the right answer is, but the truth is that you do know what to do next. You were just afraid to trust that what you were being drawn towards in the moment is enough. You're worried that what you're feeling called towards is impossible or unrealistic. Or inconvenient, and you're looking for, like, the quote unquote right answer that's going to make all the uncertainty disappear. The the right, the quote unquote right answer that's gonna feel like a revelation, like a, oh, hallelujah.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:48]:
That's going to assure, a secure future, secure, happy, fulfilled future for yourself. But that's coming from your ego and the sense of safety that you're looking for in an external answer, like a perfect life plan is just going to be an illusion. Real security happens on the inside. When you trust yourself enough to be okay with just knowing what the next step is. Just knowing what you're feeling called towards right now and trusting that that is enough and following that. Following that and trusting that you will receive your next mission in due time. Do you understand what I mean? When when you're so attached to wanting, like, a 3 year plan or a 5 year plan, it's often because you don't trust yourself. You don't trust yourself to figure it out as you go.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:51]:
You're wanting to control to micromanage the universe. But this is kind of like, planning all of your meals ahead of time when you're going to do a 6 month through hike. You might decide, okay. Well, in month 4, I'm going to be eating couscous with tuna, And then when you get there, you receive, like, because because with tuna in in your, boxes, what what what are they called again? Your resupply boxes, I'm losing the through hiker vocabulary. So you receive your resupply boxes 4 months in with the cuscus and the tuna, and it makes want to puke because it's just not aligned with what you want and need right now. It's the same thing when you're trying to plan your life. So rigidly ahead of time, it's just a lack of trust that you can figure it out when you get there. So what I want to truly encourage you to do is just focus on what, Elizabeth Gilbert in big magic calls the crimes of curiosity.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:56]:
Just follow the the next crumb of curiosity. What are you feeling called to do right now? And, of course, your your limiting beliefs are gonna rise to the surface. They're gonna say things like, oh, but I can't do this. Let's say you're feeling called to writing a book, oh, but I can't do this because, like, I'm not that good of a writer. Everyone's going to think I'm delusional. Like, who am I anyway to write about this topic? As long as you don't question these kinds of thoughts, as long as you don't rebel against the status quo and consciously update your belief system to match your soul's purpose. You will run-in circles coming up with weak solutions for fulfillment. Stop telling yourself you don't know what to do when actually you do know what to do.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:46]:
Your soul is sending you messages every day about what what direction to go in. It's just that you refuse to listen because it's not, it doesn't match who you think you should be and the expectations that other people have of you. Right? I'm, I'm shouting now because every time, like, I have a client who tells me, like, oh, well, I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start. I I have them slow down, and I ask them, actually, what if you did know? What if you did know? What would you do? And they always have the answer. They always have the answers just that they've been conditioned not to trust the answers within them. You have the answers within you as cheesy as this sounds. So ask yourself, what are you feeling called towards right now? And then when your fears show up, try challenging them.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:41]:
When when you have, like, a the inner critic who says, well, you can't do this. You're not good enough to do that. Try to say, really, are you sure that's true? Are you sure that that's true? May maybe you're wrong. You willing to consider? That you're capable of so much more than you think that maybe what you're feeling drawn towards is more realistic. Than you think. That actually, it doesn't even matter. You have to you have to obey this sole desire. Otherwise, you're gonna keep feeling miserable.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:19]:
That's what I believe. Okay. Let's let's move on. Let's move on. So this doesn't last 3 hours, against any anything that lasts 3 hours, whether whether it's, a film, An uproar, a Joe Rogan podcast, 3 hours is too many hours to spend on one thing. Okay. Number 3. Well, wow, it this goes hand in hand with with what I just said.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:44]:
5 year plans are a weak replacement for self trust. I'm just gonna be repeating what I just shared, basically. Not only is your attachment to a rigid plan, blinding you to opportunities that might enhance the journey in ways you've never imagined. But your attempt to control external outcomes also signals a disconnection from your inner resources. You regain personal power when you lean into the idea that whatever happens, you'll be able to figure it out. I just me I just mixed number 2 and 3 together in, like, a vanilla and chocolate ice cream. So we're ready to move on to number 4. There is no such thing as a right and a wrong choice.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:35]:
I'm really passionate about this. We all, me including, fall into this mistake of trying to find the right answer, not wanting to make the wrong decision. We have a very binary way of looking at our life. If you are constantly hesitating and asking the opinions of your peers about what you should do, who you should date, what decisions you should make, It means you have not made enough decisions for yourself. It means you need to get out there and make more mistakes and learn what works and what doesn't and learn to listen to your inner compass and see, oh, okay. I made a mistake there, but that's I remember my a little inner voice speaking to me and me ignoring what it had to say. You have to get out there on the field and make mistakes in order to understand how to navigate. Right? It's kind of like you cannot try you cannot learn to drive a car with just the manual.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:36]:
You have to get on the road. And and, you know, do so in a way that's not going to to kill you, but Also, in the way where you accept the fact that you are going to make mistakes, my first car was full of bumps and scratches. But that was the price to pay to become the better driver. It's the same with decision making. If you wanna get better at making decisions for yourself, you need to make a lot of them. And the reason why we get stuck is because we're afraid of how we're gonna feel if we make a quote unquote wrong decision. We don't wanna waste our time, but you're already wasting your time right now. So it's gonna be much more valuable to waste your time doing something that waste your time doing nothing.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:20]:
At least you will have gathered some it some data. Also, if you learn to manage your mind and process your emotions, then you're not gonna have to avoid challenges anymore. That's what I work on with my clients so that they're not afraid to experience feelings like disappointment. They don't make disappointment mean something awful about themselves. Disappointment is not attached -- to their personal worth. It's just a physical sensation. When you're not afraid of this appointment because you know for sure you're gonna have your own back and you're not gonna be a bitch to yourself when, something doesn't go as planned, then you won't be so afraid to try something unusual. I'm gonna give you an example to make sure that this is clear.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:08]:
So, you know, I left, my 7 year relationship back in the spring. And now I would've for forever asking myself, is this the right or the wrong decision? I was stuck in this cycle of indecision. And eventually, I had to realize that There is no such thing as a right or wrong decision. It's life is so much more complex than that. It's a right decision in some ways and a wrong decision in other ways. And the reason why I'm asking myself this question is because I'm trying to avoid pain. I'm trying to choose the path where there will be less pain. Instead of learning how to manage the pain better instead of getting better at feeling bad.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:00]:
Because there would have been pain if I stayed, and there has been pain in leaving. One of the things I was scared of is feeling regret. What if I leave and I regret it? I know many of you are afraid of regret, but let's look at that. What is regret? It's a momentary feeling. And there's different ways to deal with it. You can decide to spiral with the regret, like we talked about in last week's episode, be like, oh, yeah. That's true. I should have stayed.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:34]:
I would have been so so much happier right now if I stayed, but that's just a lie because you have no idea what it would have been like. So you can spiral with the regret, or you can have compassion for that part of you. Get curious. Like, what are you why are you feeling regretful? Is it because it it's hard for you right now because you feel lonely and you're scared that you're not going to to meet someone else? That's understandable and reassure that part of you that I got you. I got you. We are safe. We are going to be okay. Regret is also a sign that you're not trusting your past self.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:25]:
So whenever I I want to go towards regret, I remind myself. No. I trust that I made the best decision that I could with the information that I had, and now I am moving forward. Regret is past focused. Thinking that we would have been happier if we had made a different decision in the past, but there is no way to know that that's true. So might as well take care of that part of us. That's just scared. That's just feeling lost and find a way to make them feel better in the moment.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:03]:
When you have your own back this way, when you know, okay, I might feel regret, but that's okay. I'm gonna figure it out. If I feel regret, I am going to be there for myself. And I'm going to find a way forward. I'm not going to abandon my inner child. I'm gonna be there for them. I'm gonna be grounded and solid and kind. If you think this way, then I guarantee you you're not gonna be as freaked out about making decisions.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:35]:
Number 5, your lack of time might be linked to a lack of self respect. If you keep saying that you're super busy, it might be because you unconsciously benefit from having no boundaries and saying yes, to everyone. So be honest with yourself about what you gain from that way of being. And most of you might think, I don't gain anything. I'm I'm just so exhausted. No. If you keep doing something, it's because you gain something from it unconsciously. So what do you gain from having such a packed schedule? It's probably along the lines of people's approval.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:21]:
If you if you say yes to everything, then you never have to disappoint anyone. Everyone's happy with you. Except yourself. And, actually, that's not even true because sometimes when you wanna give some of your energy to 10 different people, then you only you have a limited amount. Right? So you only give them 10% each, and they can feel it. So if you want more free time, if you want more peace of mind, you're going to have to get comfortable with disappointing some people. Honoring your needs and your desires will ruffle some feathers for sure. There's no getting around that.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:03]:
There's this exercise I give my clients sometimes, and so you can do it in your notebook. If the if this is a problem of yours, what would you do if you were a bad girl that comes from a Caziette Rubaniacs book onbound. What would you do if you were a quote unquote bitch? What if what would you do if you were like, cocky. Make a list. And what's so hilarious to me is when I ask my clients this question, the list that they make is so freaking reasonable. It's a bunch of things that are not bitchy at all, but they seem bitchy because as especially as women, we've been conditioned, not just women, but especially those of us, socialized as women, we've been Thought that we need to be good girls, good girls in order to be loved. And so everything that's not that doesn't match good girl behavior feels awful, but it's not. It's like sometimes I ask my dad or, like, a guy friend what they would do, and they tell me, like, Shamely, here's what I would do.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:14]:
And to me, it sounds like so rough, but actually it's just normal way of being. Like, self respect. It's basic self respect, but when you've been, so used to stepping over yourself for others, it, that it creates some cognitive dissonance. So we've gotta get used to feeling like we're being a bitch until it becomes are new normal. And we realize, actually, I was just standing up for myself because my needs and my desires matter just as much other peoples. Okay. Were you ready to move on? Let's move on to number 6. Don't want this thing to be 3 hours.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:56]:
Do Low energy is often caused by mind, drama. Chances are are not exhausted at the end of your work day because there was too much to do and because your colleagues are annoying, But because you wasted brain juice, having opinions about how things should be done, Worrying about what others are thinking of you and trying to mac micromanage how everyone around you feels. Admit it. Admit it. We've all done it. It's not about your work day. It's about whole the the it's about the inner monologue, the draining inner monologue. Learning to calm your nervous system and to manage your mind in the same circumstances will give you a lot more energy than changing jobs ever could.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:54]:
You know, unless it's, like, super toxic environment, What I mean is sometimes we want to escape a job or relationship because it's forcing us to work on ourselves. And we don't want to. But that's just running away from the most important work. So if you were just annoyed with a bunch of things at your work, it's, instead of finding a trying to find a job where no one's gonna be annoying, then you have to figure out how to show up differently, how to set better boundaries. Had to stop blaming and critiquing others for everything, had to be loose looser in your approach. And that's like, is it a say? Hard to do. I know. That's why it's helpful to hire a professional.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:48]:
To work with a coach, to work with a therapist. I don't care what you do, but face the truth, please. You can change your circumstances all day long, but that's not how you're gonna grow. Like, I find it so much easier to be my best self when I'm single than when I'm in a relationship. Because when we're in a relationship, we are constantly facing conflict because human beings, they're challenging. Right? So are we gonna try to find a partner with which there is never anything wrong and we always feel good, or are we gonna try to work on ourselves while we're in relationship. And now don't get me wrong. I'm not telling you to never break up, never leave jobs, That is not true.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:37]:
Obviously, because I have left jobs. I have broken up with people. Sometimes for the right reasons, sometimes not so much. You can listen to my, episode about the decision to break up for more about that. But I think there's a lot to be said for staying and working on yourself for a while until you decide. Actually, you know what? I could I could keep working on myself, but I don't feel like it anymore. That's part of what I told myself. I was like, yeah, I I've grown a lot in this relationship, and now I'm ready for a different challenge.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:09]:
If you're ready for a different challenge, that's completely fine. Cheers to you. Go on your merry way, but also just make sure you're not escaping. Make sure you do so. You move on consciously. K? Number 7. Seeking productivity is an unsafe unsustainable way to make yourself feel worthy. Quit forcing yourself into a perfectly created morning routine and schedule.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:40]:
You're trying to fill a hole in your heart that can only be healed by giving yourself the unconditional love, you didn't receive growing up. I've told you about this before if you're, a big fan of the podcast back when I wanted to perfect my morning routine like, okay, I'm, I'm only gonna be proud of myself. I'm go only going to be happy with myself if I can wake up at that time and then do 10 minutes of running 10 minutes of meditation. 10 minute I I don't remember what it was. It was very rigid. And it was like, okay. I'll I'll just pat myself on the back when I do it. And if I don't, I'm just gonna be frustrated with myself.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:22]:
No. You have? To start the day feeling like you are worthy, 100% worthy, as you are right now without having to be like a better version of you. Imagine being a parent, and your child feeling like they have to prove themselves to you every day in order to get a hug? No. We have to flip that on its head. It's like, oh, I love you so much, and I'm gonna give you show you my love no matter what you do. If you go to school and you rock your exams, great. If you go to school and you fail all of your exams, I still love you. I so madly love you, and let's figure out what happened.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:12]:
Let's figure out what was missing. How can I help you? How can I support you? But that's not how most of us have learned to love ourselves. It's like what? You failed your exams. What's wrong with you? You should be ashamed. We have to reparent ourselves. We have to give ourselves what we did not receive when we were kids. Be kind along the journey when you make mistakes. Not just when you reach a destination.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:43]:
That is conditional love. Otherwise, what's gonna happen is you're gonna give up along the way Due to the self inflicted heaviness, the conditioned heaviness. That's why so many people quit when they start a new project. Like, for example, let's say you wanna start a business. So many people quit because they're so mean to themselves. When they fail. But that's the whole that's that's what growing a business is all about. Free things out and failing and getting up again and and and trying something else and failing again.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:28:22]:
And but but if every time you fall flat on your you make it mean that you're not good enough, that you're never going to be, then, of course, you're not gonna keep going in the dark that's just, like, unbearable, but it's not the growing of the business that's unbearable. It's how you relate to yourself. I've had, people tell me also that they hate social media because they feel like they have to show up a certain way. When they have such high expectations for themselves, like a what? I should show up every day. I should look professional. I should speak in a certain way. And then they end up burning out because, obviously, it was too much pressure, but it's not social media's fault. I'm sorry to say.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:29:10]:
It's the pressure you put on yourself and how you don't allow yourself to just be who you are, to just be messy, to just show up. However, You want to show up however brings you joy. You're trying to fit into a box of productivity and professionalism. You're a shitting yourself instead of being like, let's just have fun with that. Let's just take, social media as a tool that we can have fun with. And not whip ourselves into, the perfect user of social media. Okay? These are just a few examples. Moving on to number 8, your high standards are disguising your deepest fears.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:29:53]:
This also goes hand in hand with what I just shared. You say you don't wanna share your piece of art, for example, on because it's not ready yet. It's not good enough yet. But I call BS on that, most of the time. You're probably just afraid of how imperfection will affect other people's perception of you. Because your personal worth depends on their positive thoughts. Or more, currently, your personal worth depends on your perception of their thoughts. So if you imagine that they have positive thoughts, then you feel good.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:30:35]:
But if you imagine that they have negative thoughts about you, then you feel bad about you. It all goes back to how you judge yourself. If you will have a belief that imperfection is cringe, that if you, like, post, like, let's say a cheesy poem online that that's something that you should be ashamed of. You're gonna be afraid of other people's judgment, but really the number one person's judgment that you are afraid of is yourself. So you have to unshame yourself, you have to, rewire your belief system. To believe instead that Ashley is courageous to post a poem online. That that's how your people are gonna learn about your work. That's how your fans are gonna discover you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:25]:
That's how you're gonna better. And, yes, sure. People, some people are gonna think that's cringe. Screw them. We're not doing it for them. They're not the one living your life. If expressing your creativity makes you feel alive, then go do it. And screw people, who are going to judge you for that.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:48]:
It tells you a lot more about them and the permissions that they don't give themselves, and it tells you about you and what you create. Personally, I look up to the person who has published, 2, 3 bad books, so much more than the person who says they've been working on a novel for 10 years. It's so much more noble to me to publish bad work than to stay hidden until you have achieved what you think is perfection. I didn't always think this way. I remember as someone I studied with, They, they published a a book, a romance, and I tried reading it and thought it was so bad. And that made me feel so much better about myself because I like, see, they they did this amazing thing, but, actually, they're not really talented. So, you know, but that was just a way to protect my ego. That was just because I was not giving myself the permission to be a beginner at something that I care about.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:32:50]:
Now that I do, I am done judging people who are in the arena. Once you truly believe you are worthy no matter what, You will become a prolific creator who shares for the sake of joy and service to the world. I'm gonna repeat that. Once you truly believe you are worthy, no matter how people react to the work that you create, you will become a prolific creator. Set Golden talks a lot about that. Go get his book, The Practice. Okay. The the point is the to become someone who shares for the sake of joy in a playful manner in service to the world.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:33:33]:
That is true bravery. And everything else is just insecurity in disguise. So that's all I have to say for today. This was my rent. I hope this resonates. Please message me. I love to hear your thoughts. What came up for you during this episode in which I did a lot of shouting And now I'm gonna let you go with a big virtual hug, kisses, and I'll I'll talk to you next week.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:34:02]:
My loves. Okay. Bye bye. If you love what you're hearing on the Self Growth Nerd's podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality You have the check out how we can work together on selfgrowthnerds.com, or message me on Instagram at self growth nerds. My class say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.