Episode 139 - Why We Overthink (and how to do it less!)
Are you tired of overthinking consuming your time, joy and energy? Join me as we explore the burden of excessive analysis in everyday decision-making and how to finally break free from lifelong overthinking habits. Tune in to learn practical strategies for regaining clarity and vitality in your life.
Topics
The main reason we overthink.
The risk of metric fixation and missing out on important information.
Gathering new information through action.
The limitations of making long-term predictions based on short-term experiences.
Importance of research and gathering information, but not getting stuck in analysis paralysis.
Embracing trial and error as a valuable learning process.
Links
▶️ Watch my new YouTube video series "26 Weeks of Journaling Prompts for Self-Growth Nerds"
Resources
đź“•Read the book:
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Girl Nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019. I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm really good. I'm excited about today's topic.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:44]:
We are talking about overthinking and the unspoken reason why we do it. Truly understanding that will help us do it less. I'm not aiming for 0 overthinking. Nope. That would be unrealistic. So I'm gonna tell you this unspoken reason, then I'm gonna give you 3 examples, and then we're gonna jump into solutions. So the reason why we overthink is we try to avoid pain in the future. Okay.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:18]:
It might not make sense right now, but bear with me. You will understand what I mean with the first example. Let's talk about dating. I don't know about you, but I get the sense that as we get older, every decision seems more important. In your twenties, and I'm I'm sure that's different for everyone. But for me, my twenties were all about trying things, messing things up. There's plenty of time. Whereas in my thirties, there's more of a sense of not wanting to waste time with the wrong people.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:50]:
So that could be in friendships. I don't wanna invest in friendships that don't let me up. That also might be in dating, and that might also be when it comes to work. I don't wanna waste time doing work that doesn't serve my purpose. And so what can happen if we take dating is we become super analytical. We might make a list in our minds are on paper of what we're looking for and then go on dates with that list in mind and see the humans through the list instead of seeing them for who they are. And don't get me wrong. It's okay to know yourself, to know what your standards are and to look for people who meet those standards.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:35]:
But the risk here is that you fall into metric fixation. I learned this term recently, and I think it is very fitting here. Metric fixation refers to, and I'm reading from Wikipedia here, a tendency for decision makers to place excessively large emphasis on selected metrics. And when you do that, you have such a narrow view that you miss out on super important information. Just imagine you worked in sales and your boss is expecting you to make 10 sales a day, and then on a given day, You have only made 7 so that they're unsatisfied with you, but what they don't know is that maybe you spent the rest of the time helping the new person, teaching them how to make a sale. So your time was well spent, just not in the way that they were fixated on. And we can do the same in dating where we might listen so carefully to what the person in front of us is saying, trying to tick the boxes on our list that were not really in our body, were in our brain, and we're not experiencing them. We're not in touch with how we feel when we're around them, the version of us that we become when we're in their company.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:59]:
I just finished a book, called How Not to Die Alone by Logan Ouray, who is a behavioral scientist turned dating coach, and she's also the director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge. It was super interesting. And actually what I found most interesting thing is she makes a list of what matters less than we think when we're dating and what matters more than we think. So I'm gonna read These to you. What matters less than we think is money. Of course, she goes into detail, but I'm not gonna go into detail here. I'm I'm just gonna show you quickly. So, she says money matters less than you think, good looks, and there's also shared hobbies that matter less than you think.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:48]:
Now what matters more than we think is, number 1, emotional stability and kindness. Number 2, loyalty. Number 3, a growth mindset. So if they listen to the self growth nerds podcast, it's a very good sign. Then the next one surprised me because I had never thought of dating that way. It's a personality that brings out the best in you. Right? She says pay attention to how you feel when you're around this person or right after you finish spending time together. Do you feel energized, deflated, bored, challenged, Happy, desired, because they might be super perfect on paper, but make you feel inadequate or make you feel tense.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:37]:
But if you're not connected to yourself, you you won't See that information. You'll just see the boxes that they tick. What can also happen is trying to figure out if the person that's in front of you after 1 date or 2 date or 3 dates is gonna work out for you forever. We wanna know because we love certainty. So many people will go on lots of first dates and be like, oh, there was no spark. Moving on to the next person. We want to be a clear yes or a clear no, and we're uncomfortable in the messy middle. But there's nothing that someone can do in 1 day or 1 week or even 1 month that's going to tell you if They're going to be your quote, unquote person forever.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:31]:
All you can know is how you feel in the moment. And taking all of the information that you have about you and about this person together and trying to make complicated maths in your mind to figure out if if this relationship is going to work long term or not is just something that you do because you want to avoid pain in the future. And by pain, I mean all kinds of different things. Pain might be The pain of rejecting them if you decide after 10 dates that it's not someone you wanna keep seeing. It might be the pain of disappointment if you get your hopes up and it ends up not being the right relationship for you, the pain of sadness if they end up breaking up with you. We are wired as animals to avoid pain as much as possible, and so We're looking for certainty, for a guarantee that we're not going to have to experience uncomfortable emotions, but we can't predict the future. Let's go to example number 2, which is very similar. It's career.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:45]:
Many people who approach me are wondering what they should do next. They're not happy at work, and they were wondering, should I change jobs? Should I completely change career? Should I go back to school? Should I start a business? And they're looking for the right answer. Now there's nothing wrong with that until you do so much thinking that you stagnate, that nothing really changes. It's like you have a certain amount of information about your life right now, about your job, and you're not gathering any new information. You're just spinning the same data in your mind, too scared to take action, to maybe go volunteer in this other line of work that you're curious about or to set up interviews with people that do the job that you might be interested in to learn from them about what it's like. But, no, what often happens is people think I don't wanna waste time. I don't wanna waste time, and so I must make the right decision, but that way of thinking is what makes you waste time. Because you're putting so much pressure on every action that you are thinking about taking that you're not doing anything.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:08]:
And not doing anything is what wastes your time, because clarity comes from action, not from overthinking. You go get think about a video game. You go get more information by going out into the world and trying things. Even if you try something and it doesn't work, that is new information. And the more information you have, The more equipped you are to make the best decisions for you. Research is important. You don't wanna just take a leap deep in into whatever. You wanna know, for example, if you're starting a business, what that involves.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:50]:
You wanna be clear headed about the decision that you're making, not look at it through rose colored glasses. But there's only so much research you can do. You have to be honest with yourself and say, okay. Is this research justified? Is this coming from a proactive, grounded place? Or am I doing this research from an anxious place because I want to avoid mistakes? Because I wanna make Sure. Again, have a guarantee that it's going to go well so that I avoid any kind of pain or discomfort in the future. You'll know you're in that category number 2 if you've been thinking and talking about changing job for a long, long time, telling everyone around you about all the different things you could do but never actually making real progress in that direction. Now there's no shame here. It's just about getting out of denial and being honest with yourself.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:47]:
Stop thinking you have to find the right answer. There is no right answer that will keep you away from pain for the rest of your life. Just like there's no ideal partner that's never gonna get on your nerves and that's gonna make you happy forever. That doesn't exist. Sure. There are jobs. There are partners that are better suited to you, and you need to do the work to figure out what these are. But be mindful of not putting your well-being in the hands of external circumstances.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:25]:
Expecting your career and your partner or partners to be the people that make you feel good. Okay. Now let me give you a 3rd example, which is very different, a smaller example of how overthinking is just a way to try and avoid pain in the future. Let's say you were organizing an event for your family in a week or two. Maybe it's your mom's 60th or your friend's 30th birthday. You might fall into overthinking about every single detail because you want the event to be perfect. Now the reason why you're doing this is because you're trying to manage, micromanage, should I say, everyone's thoughts and feelings. There might be 10 different people or 20 or a 100 different people going to the event.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:19]:
You're trying to put yourself in everyone's shoes. What do they like? What's going to make them happy? How can I make sure that they have positive positive thoughts about me? If I choose This color, then maybe this person is going to think it's cheesy, but then my mom is going to like it. You're trying to fold yourself in a bunch of weird positions to make everyone happy. And, again, no shame here. I've done this myself. It's just about seeing clearly that you're trying to avoid pain in the future, and the pain we're talking about here is the one that comes from The thoughts people will have or you imagine they might have about you and about your events. Imagining that they would have negative thoughts might make you Feel shame might make you feel guilt, might make you feel inadequate, and that is the pain you're trying to avoid Instead of just being like, okay. I want to organize this event.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:19]:
What do I think is the best color? What do I think is the best location? Trusting that you've got this, that you know what you were doing without falling into the desperate desire to make it perfect. Just like we discussed when it comes to career, the desperate desire to find the right path, or when it comes to dating, Again, the desperate desire to find the right person. When it comes from desperate energy, it's always about trying to Make sure you're going to avoid pain in the future. But by doing that, you're creating pain in the present. You're exhausting yourself. Overthinking is exhausting. Plus, it steals joy from you in the present because you could be relaxed. You could be lighthearted.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:06]:
You could be enjoying yourself in the journey of finding a partner, in the journey of looking for your next career, in the journey of organizing the event, but you're not. Instead, your mind is stuck in the future. So let's talk about solutions. There's 3 main pieces of advice I'll share here. The first one is you need to strengthen your relationship with yourself and know that future you can handle any emotion without beating themselves up, that you can make a mistake and have your own back, that you can, in the future, be kind to yourself no matter what happens. That if you make a career shift And it ends up costing you a lot and not being right for you that you won't be awful to yourself, that you will figure it out because you're a resourceful badass. That you'll think, you know what? This was a learning opportunity, and now we can reorient, realign. Time to pivot.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:13]:
Pivot like they say in friends. Instead of talking to yourself the way too many of us do, which is you should have known better how stupid of you to make such a A mistake next time you need to you need to be more careful, like, how dare you? No. No. This doesn't serve anyone. It just puts More pressure on you for your next decision. Instead, you wanna lighten up and be like, I make The best decision that I can with the information that I have in the moment, that's all I can do. And that might be very challenging because This negative self talk, this conditioning, this perfectionistic conditioning, this all or nothing thinking has been wired into you, and it requires rewiring. You might not be able to do this alone.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:05]:
You might need help from a coach or a therapist or multiple hours of meditation. There are different approaches, but A lot of it is in your unconscious. You don't realize the way that you treat yourself, the way you talk to yourself. And it can be very helpful to have someone mirror to you, help you see your brain, and help you see how those patterns slow you down. That's a big part of what I do with my clients. I call it rebellious rewiring. We're rebelling against the mean girl inside our brain, against the critical parent inside our brain. If you've if you had super Parents with high expectations or not even parents.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:53]:
It might have been people at school with high expectations. You might have just integrated their their voice, and it has become your inner self talk. That has to change. That has to change. So please, get support to help you shift that. Now solution number 2, it goes hand in hand with solution number 1 is you have to know that other people can also handle their emotions, that other people's emotions are not your responsibility. That if they're mean to themselves and if they are in return mean to you, that belongs to them. That's very challenging as well, especially if you've grown up taking care of adults around you walking on eggshells to make everyone happy.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:41]:
This is also a pattern that you've integrated, but you're doing a disservice to the adults in your life if you're taking their feelings on your shoulders. You're doing a disservice to yourself because that's heavy, but also to them because you're not giving them the opportunity to learn to do it for themselves. Let's go back back to the dating example. Let's say you turn someone down after 10 dates. You you tell them, I'm sorry. I I don't wanna see you anymore, And they feel upset. Of course, don't none of us like to upset other people. We don't want that.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:20]:
But what if they can handle the sadness? What if they actually need to experience this sadness in order to become stronger. What if that's part of their curriculum? You can't stop seeing someone after 1 date because you're scared that maybe In a few more days, you're going to let them go and hurt them. This is where Tip number 3 comes in. It's bringing yourself to the present. How do you feel around them? Do you feel like seeing them another time? If you remove the pressure of forever and the question, Are they going to be my person? Then do you feel good around them? Do you wanna see them one more time? These are the only questions that matter because you'll gather information with time. The answers are gonna become clearer As you move forward, you're gonna feel it in your body. Can you trust that? You might reply here, no, Marie. I don't trust myself.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:27]:
I've made a bunch of bad decisions in the past. And to that, I would say, well, you know yourself now more than ever before. The decisions you've made in the past have helped you gather data about who you are, what works for you or not. And now all you can do is make a decision with what you know. And so I'm gonna add a a 4th tip here. Let's make a list. And it's gonna sound like a contradiction with what I mentioned earlier, but you'll see there is a difference. It's not about the list making.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:04]:
It it's about the energy surrounding the list. Let's say you're dating. Of course, you wanna have a list of standards. What's really important to you based on what you've learned In your past experiences, what really matters for you in a relationship? Something that I did that was super helpful for me, I suggest you do 2 is 2 lists. 1 is a top 3 nonnegotiables and a top 3 preferences. You can do that for dating, but you can also do that for work. So my top 3 nonnegotiables were Someone who can have deep conversations, someone who takes full responsibility for themselves and their growth, and an adventure partner. Then in my top 3 preferences, and these are optional, it's like it would be nice to have, but I don't need Them.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:00]:
The first one was someone who's able to work remotely. The second one was someone who has a that has their own business or their own creative practice. And then the third one was that we can do projects together. And then once you've made your list, you have to be open minded and loose about the other stuff. Get out there. Meet people. And then it's the same thing with your career. Of course, make some research.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:29]:
Figure out what lights you up. What kind of work would be aligned with your values? This is also work that I do with my clients. But then also at the same time, there's a point that comes where you have to be like, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, go. Let's try a few things. You have to put yourself in harm's way To take risks, to make yourself vulnerable. And it's okay to make yourself vulnerable if you know that you'll have your own back, if you know that you won't use that as a as an opportunity to bully yourself. If you know also that whatever your mom thinks about your decision, she can take care of herself, that it it's not Your responsibility, how she feels. And I'm saying your mom as an example, but it's just an example.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:19]:
Whoever in your life who's a naysayer. The the way that they feel about your decisions tell you more about them and the permissions that they Give themselves or not, then it tells you about you and what you decide to do. Okay? So that is it for today. The unspoken reason why we overthink is because we try to avoid pain in the future, but that is just not possible. So if you believe that you can handle any uncomfortable emotions. In the future, you'll be able to let go more easily and to just make a decision. Just trust your gut. Trust what you're feeling called towards right now.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:06]:
There's no such thing as a good or bad decision, a right or wrong choice. This is a binary way of thinking. There's just a decision that you're going to make that's gonna teach you more, that's gonna give you more information, and you'll be able to, to keep moving on the path of life from there. So, yeah, stop with the research, stop with the overthinking, practice trusting yourself, and jumping in. Okay. I'll talk to you next week. And if you're not tired of me, go to YouTube, look for self growth nerds, and there's a bunch of videos I've been making. Every Saturday, there's a new one that comes out with journaling prompts for you to reflect on.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:48]:
So enjoy, and I'll talk to you soon. Bye. Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the Self Growth Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality. You have to check out how we can work together on self growth nerds.com or message me on Instagram at self growth nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.