Episode 147 - What Iāve Learned About Dating at 33
Becoming single at 33 changed everything. Discover how a shift in approach led me to meet people who truly resonated with my authentic self. I share the top 3 invaluable lessons I've learned, from the importance of bold and honest communication to prioritizing what truly matters in relationships. Tune in for valuable insights that can empower you to navigate the dating world with more ease and purpose.
Topics
the significance of owning one's needs and desires and being specific in dating profiles.
Prioritizing emotional security and not settling for vague or unreliable behavior in potential partners.
The different dating tendencies: the maximizer, the romanticizer, and the hesitator.
The importance of surrounding oneself with like-minded individuals.
Links
š Ready to blow your mind and achieve your goals? Book a Discovery Call! š
Recommendations from this episode:
š Book: How Not To Die Alone by Logan Ury
š Book: More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
šļø Podcast: Jillian On Love by Jillian Turecki (@jillianturecki on Instagram)
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019. I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm really good. I'm excited for this episode about dating.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:47]:
It's funny because this morning, I was Super discouraged. I was like, oh my god. What am I going to talk about? I don't know. I'm not inspired. But I just sat at my desk, started looking at my emails, and then read a newsletter, and the word in the newsletter nerd led to, an idea. And a few minutes later, there I was with 2 episodes pouring out of me that I outlined and that I'm really excited to share with you. Here's the thing. I always tell, my clients who want to start a blog or a podcast or any creative practice to commit to doing it on a consistent basis.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:33]:
So once a week, for example. And they are often scared that they're not gonna know what to talk about if they commit to showing up every week, but I tell them it's the opposite. Once you commit to showing up, you're going to figure out what you're going to talk about Instead of just being passive and waiting for inspiration, you show up and inspiration is going to meet you. You make it happen. You show inspiration that you're a professional who's always there, and you build a relationship of trust with yourself. You develop an identity where you can say, I am someone who always finds something worthwhile to talk about, but the commitment has to come first. 1 of my clients who committed to writing a weekly newsletter, She text me this week, and she said, you're so right. Yesterday, I had no idea what to do or write about, but just Let it come and was so excited for what I put out.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:43]:
The act of just showing up right now and trusting I'll figure it out feels like a huge win. So that's my little piece of advice before we jump into today's main topic, which is is dating. I'm going to share what I've learned about dating in the last 8 months. So I've been single for 8 months. I know myself better, and I think my approach is different. And so that's what I wanna share today. Before we jump in, I wanna share something that's made me Happy in the last week, and it's this cute video game called Short Hike. And it's basically a little bird that has to climb up to the top of a mountain, and there's lots of little challenges on the way.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:28]:
It was recommended to me by the person I'm seeing, And now I wanna recommend it to you if you want something lighthearted to take your mind off of a long day. Oh, and, also, just a reminder that if you wanna work with me in 2024, January onwards, It's time for you to book a call with me to see if we're a good fit so that I can get to know you, tell you how I think you You can help, and you can decide if that's what you need. You can find out more information at self growth nerds.com/audacity, and you'll also be able to book your call there. Okay. So I've gathered the main things I've learned into 3 categories, and We're gonna go through all of them today. Are you ready? Let's go. Number 1, you've got to ask for what you want clearly. Be clear and expect clarity from others as well.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:29]:
I love this quote from Brene Brown. Clear is kind, unclear is unkind. It starts in the dating apps. If you're using dating apps, Personally, I found it super helpful to have a long description that gives a good sense of who you are and what you're looking for. I had a a friend tell me that it was too long, and I said, actually, no. It's perfect because I don't want people who are not bothered to to read my description. I want someone who who can be thorough enough to read the whole way through. The goal with your profile is not to cast a wide net, in my opinion.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:10]:
It's to repel everyone who's not for you and attract those who are. So the more specific you are, the better. For example, if you have specific sexual preferences, I believe it can save you a lot of time to be upfront about that. For example, I know that I was looking for a partner with whom I could explore ethical nonmonogamy. I mean, why should I go on dates with people and then waste time only to figure out after an hour or 2 hours or maybe on the 2nd day That that's not something they are into or open to experimenting with. What I think often happens is that people are Scared of ending up alone, so they try to be vague in their profiles to attract as many people as possible. But then that Can lead to you betraying yourself, abandoning some of your important needs and desires just to ensure that you're gonna find someone. If instead, you own your needs and your desires and you trust in the belief That you will find someone who's aligned with them or with most of them, you're gonna show up completely differently.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:30]:
You'll be able to say, here's what I'm looking for, and I'm happy to keep moving forward if that's in alignment with you. There's so many profiles that don't tell us anything about the person. The fact that you love The Office Doesn't tell me much about you other than, what, you like to laugh? I suggest you get more specific. Another place where I try to be as clear as possible and also expect clarity is when texting and when making plans to meet. If I offer to go on a date, I expect the other person's answer to be a yes or no. Not a, oh, maybe. We'll see. I'll let you know on the day.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:17]:
I'm done with that kind of vagueness, and I'm not waiting around for people anymore. I value my time, and so I look for people who are reliable. And if their answer is not clear to you, it's okay to ask. It's okay to ask someone. Was this a yes or was this a no? So you don't leave room for them to be in maybe. If they're not sure, it's a no. K? So that it's either a hell yes or it's a no. You're going to weed out a lot of people that way.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:50]:
Something else that's important for me when I'm dating someone is having an idea of the next time we will see each other. It helps keep me grounded. It helps me plan my schedule. I don't want to live in the anxiety of the oh, I'm I I'm gonna keep some time open over the weekend in case They text me in case they wanna hang out. No. We're gonna plan ahead of time. I used to think differently. I used to think, well, I cannot require that of them.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:25]:
I need to be cool. I need to be low maintenance. And if I feel anxious because I don't know when I'm gonna see them next, it's my problem, and I should coach myself through it. I I shouldn't be so anxious. It's like, now it's like, I know I need this clarity in order to feel calm, and it's okay to ask for it. And if it gets on someone's nerves, then I don't think it's a person for me. Think about this. If what you need to feel secure is reasonable and it's too much for someone else, then why should you invest in them when I swear to you that there are people out there for whom your needs completely make sense, and they'll happily fulfill them.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:16]:
It's like this quote from the Perks of Being a Wallflower. You accept the love you think you deserve. You have to show people how to treat you. If someone is constantly leaving you feeling like you're not sure if they're interested, you're not sure when they're gonna get back to you, you're not sure when you're gonna See them again. You you're allowed to say, I I don't want to live in this state of anxiety. I don't want that for myself. You know what I find really, really sexy at 34 years old is someone who answers their texts, who's clear in their answers. And if, for example, they know they have a a busy day and they won't get back to you, they let you know.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:00]:
Oh, I might not be super responsive today or I might not be super responsive this week because I've got A busy schedule. Thank you. That is some emotional intelligence. That is mature. That is considerate and thoughtful. And if you're sitting there listening to this and thinking, well, that's too much to to ask for. Like, I don't wanna be needy, pause and Notice how you may have learned growing up that it's not safe to speak your needs. It's better to be the good girl who just I'm happy when you're happy.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:40]:
No worries. You're cancel canceling last minute. No worries. It's okay. Who is that serving? What if you decided I deserve to feel good and to surround myself by people who are on board with that. Not people who are going to read your mind or guess What you need in order to feel good, but people who are open when you ask for what you need or ask for what you want. People who are open, respectful, and can meet you in the middle. Last thing I'm gonna say about that, even though I could go on and on, Is it if you do the work of being clear about what you want, then you'll be able to leave as soon as you see when it's not aligned with the other person.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:31]:
For example, if you know that you want kids and you meet someone who tells you they they don't, then it's your opportunity to leave before you become too attached. Don't stick around just because it's better than being with no one. Don't stick around hoping they might change their minds. Trust that there are plenty of people out there who want what you also want, and don't waste time with people who have told you that they don't. Same thing with nonmonogamy. Like I was telling you earlier, if you know it's important for you to have the the possibility to explorer, then why swipe people who say they're monogamous in their profile? Again, I think sometimes it comes from a fear of missing out, fear of being alone, and I urge you to come back to trusting that there are people out there who want what you want. Okay. So that's point number 1.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:32]:
The biggest difference be between now and 8 years ago is 8 years ago, I Didn't really know what I needed and what I wanted, so I was vague. And I would basically go on dates with anyone that seems nice and that I found attractive. But over time, I've done the work of on shaming myself and discovering what it is that really turns me on both truly, but also intellectually, spiritually in someone else, in the kind of partners that I wanna build something with. If you feel like you don't know yourself well, it's okay. It's completely fine. You may have gotten lost because of People pleasing and trying trying to fit in, but that's a path you can walk back. You can walk back to yourself, rediscover yourself, and that's a lot of the work I do with my clients. So if you're curious about getting to know yourself better and Also, most importantly, developing the conviction to show up as your unapologetic true self instead of trying to fit into a mold That feels constricting.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:49]:
Then let's talk. Go ahead and book a call. Let's meet, and let's see how I can help. Now let's move on to point number 2. The spark is not necessarily a good thing. We've been taught by movies and Disney stories that we should have butterflies in our bellies when we meet someone new. Otherwise, it's just not romantic. Otherwise, it's just not meant to be, but that is not always the case.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:20]:
Yes. The spark can happen, But a spark can also actually be a sign of danger, meaning the spark might just tell you that this other person feels familiar, that they take you back to ways in which you were shown love as a child, which is not necessarily what you're looking for now as an adult. Let's say your one of your parental figures was, super distant and emotionally detached. You might meet this person who's super attractive and kind of aloof, not very present, but you're really turned on, and you don't know why it must be love. When, actually, it just takes you back to what you have been brought up to believe love was supposed to feel like. I think that's why the advice that you should follow your gut can also f you up because Your gut can easily be mixed up with your anxiety. Someone who's very healthy for you might make you feel like you need to run away just because it's unfamiliar, and your primitive brain wants you to stick to what you know. But if what you know is not what you long for now, it's going to create a lot of cognitive dissonance.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:51]:
Let's say you had a parental figure who was super critical of you and of themselves, Then you might start dating someone who's not like that at all. They're super kind and understanding and supportive of themselves and of you. It might make you feel weird. It might make you feel like this is unsafe even though consciously you know that that is good for you. That's why I think it's super important to to know the ways in which you were shown love as a child and How you might be drawn automatically, unconsciously in that direction today, how that might Get in the way of you getting what you actually are looking for. So this is number 2. Instead of expecting the the Hollywood spark, stay open to developing a connection with someone more slowly. Just like you probably did with some of your friends.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:54]:
If you look back, I know that personally some of my closest friends. The the the the connection was developed over time, and some of the people that I had A spark for right away, they were very short they ended up being very short friendships. We saw each other a lot in a short period of time, and then it phased out. And, of course, it's not always the same. I don't want to generalize too much. All I wanna say is don't just Stop seeing someone that you enjoy because there's not this rush of certainty from the start. Like, I should know if they're the one. I should know.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:35]:
No. That's not real. K. Now let's move on to number 3, which is the biggest point. I have a lot to say, and it's, how to shift your focus on what really matters. And this has been influenced a lot by the book How Not to Die Alone by Logan Uhrai, who is the relationship scientist at the app Hinge, and I was also very much influenced by Gillian Torecki. She's on Instagram, but she also has a podcast called Jillian on Love that I very much appreciate. So they were 2 of the biggest influences, I would say, in the changes I made in my dating life in the last few months.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:21]:
That and the book more than 2, a practical guide to ethical polyamory by Franklin Vaux and Eve Rickert. Okay. So what was most striking for me in the book How Not to Die Alone is the chapter where, I think the chapter is called from prom date to life partner. She makes a list of what matters less than we think in someone else versus what matters more than we think, and this is all based on research. So what matters less than we think is money, Good looks, a similar personality, and shared hobbies. Now I urge you to go read the book if you're like, but I wanna know more because I cannot dig into everything. If you're like, but but but money matter matters, yes, it does, but it doesn't matter as much as you think. And if you wanna know more about How she thinks about this? Go read the book.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:19]:
Now what matters more than you think is Emotional stability and and kindness, loyalty, a growth mindset, A personality that brings out the best in you, skills to fight well, and the ability to make hard decisions together. Now these are not things that you can know as quickly. You can't just ask a bunch of questions and tick Boxes are not based on what they tell you. So instead of going to a date thinking, let's See what boxes they tick. You wanna focus on things like, how do I feel in my body when I'm with them? Do I feel calm? Do I feel tense? Questions also like, what side of me do they bring out? This is super important because besides of you that they bring out, this is basically who you'll be every time you spend time with them. And if this person's gonna be your life partner, you're gonna spend a lot of time with them. So you're gonna be this person a big portion of the time. Instead of consciously or unconsciously wondering if your friends or your parents would be impressed by their job or their confidence or the Amount of money that they have, maybe the the car that they drive, get curious about how they spawned when you get vulnerable.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:48]:
Are they open to you? Are they curious? Or do they get nervous and closed off? Are they the kind of person who would hold your purse in the cancer clinic? That's what Logan says in her book because that's what matters in a life partner. A lot more than, oh, my dad's gonna think He's impressive because he has this big job. Right? There's these 8 questions in the book How Not to Die Alone that I really love, that I got into the habit of answering after going on a date with someone, so I'm gonna share them with you. And I suggest you just pause the podcast and Write them down in your notes app if you're dating right now. So first question, what side of me did they bring out? Second question, how did my body feel during the date? Stiff, relaxed, or something in between? 3rd question, Do I feel energized or deenergized than I did before the date? 4, is there something about them I'm curious about? 5, did they make me laugh? 6, did I feel heard? 7, did I feel attractive in their presence? 8, did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between? I find that these questions really help you think about the the person differently from what we've been taught. And if you find yourself feeling resistant, being like, actually, no. It's really important for me that the person I'm with is very attractive, Makes a lot of money, has a really impressive job, and likes the same music as I do or likes the office like I do. I I wanna say it's okay to have high standards and get curious about whether or not it's a way to protect yourself from deep connection.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:48]:
Are you perhaps projecting your perfectionism onto them? Are you looking for a partner Unconsciously, that's going to make you look good. That's gonna help you gain more social approval. Or are you looking for a partner that's going to make you feel good, that's that's going to feel like home. Just some little questions to ponder on. There's another section of the book that I found fascinating in which the author talks about the 3 different dating profiles or tendencies. There's the maximizer, the romanticizer, and the hesitator. The hesitator is someone who believes they need to be completely healed and perfect before they go out into the world. The romanticizer is the the person who wants the spark, who wants, everything to feel like a movie.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:48]:
And The maximizer is me, is the person who thinks their partner should tick all of the boxes. They have Very high expectations of themselves and so very high expectations of others. They think their partner can be their everything, but that's just not a realistic expectation. Maximizers have a big fear of missing out, fear of making the wrong decision, being miserable forever. Where they end up not making any decision at all or making decisions, but constantly second guessing themselves. And What makes them miserable is that, not the decision that they made. I used to be obsessed with the question, is this the right person for me? And I say I used to, but it's still in the back of my mind. It's a pattern that I need to watch out for.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:47]:
It's a an obsession with seeking certainty. What happens when we do this, when we operate with the question, is this the right person for me? And that that's if you're dating, but also if you're in a relationship, you might be asking yourself that. When you're focused on that, You look at the person in front of you with a hypercritical lens, and you might do some future tripping. You might take one aspect of their personality or one thing that they said or one thing that they did and try to predict the future based on that. You might also try to test them, Ask them questions. Explore specific topics to see how they're going to respond. But, basically, you're not in the present. You're not experiencing them right now.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:37]:
You're not getting to know the real them. You're stuck in your head creating a a construction of who you think they are instead of being in your body, being in the moment. I was telling my my therapist about this question that was constantly in the back of my mind, and she asked me, The right person for what, Marie? What's your definition of right person? And it it helped me realize that When I was asking this question, are they the right person for me? I was asking, are they, someone who's perfect in every way and never going to trigger me ever, basically. Or are they someone with whom I will be able to avoid repeating any past wounds. Now this one is really freaking important. There's this quote I love that I heard somewhere, but I don't know who it's from. It's you are not afraid of new love. You are afraid of old pain.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:43]:
Let's say, for example, that Your previous partner played a lot of golf, and they always left and played golf whenever you needed them. Now you might meet someone new, and I'm just using golf as a a random example. You might meet someone new who tells you that they play golf, And you think, oh, no. It's not the right person for me. But that's not necessarily the case. Maybe they don't Use golf in the same way. Maybe they can be very much present in your relationship and have a completely different approach to their their golf playing. So if we go back to the question my therapist asked me, the right person for what? Finding an answer to that helped me ground myself instead of having this vague question, this all or nothing thinking above my head like a dark cloud.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:43]:
So my answer, and that's very personal to me. It might be different for you, is the right person to feel seen and heard, to buy a house in the next few years, to travel a lot, to laugh with, to have varied sexual experiences, and to spend Sunday relaxing and meal prepping with. There you go. Again, this goes back to the point number 1. You're giving yourself the gift of clarity. Oh, okay. This is what I'm looking for. It's not this vague idea of I need to find the right person.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:28:21]:
You can also do this exercise that I shared in a previous episode where you make a top 3 of what you're looking for in someone, your, nonnegotiables, and a top 3 of your preferences. What would be a nice bonus, but is not, absolutely necessary? So for me, when I did that exercise, my top 3 was deep conversations, takes responsibility for their growth, and is a good adventure partner. That was my nonnegotiables, and my top three preferences is that they are a creative person, They are a freelancer or business owner so that we can have a flexibility of schedule, and lastly, that they can do projects with me that were complimentary in some way and can do projects together because I grew up 2 parents who worked together, and I've always really loved The idea of being able to do that. It's not a nonnegotiable, but it it's a nice bonus. So what I suggest is you get really clear about what matters most to you in an intimate relationship, and you look to other people to fulfill your other needs and your desire. So what if your partner doesn't love The Office? Sure. You can find a friend who does with whom you can make inside jokes. If, let's say, you're into the outdoors, do you need to have a partner who's also into the outdoors? Maybe you do.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:29:56]:
If that's something you wanna do every weekend and you want them to be a part of it, add it to your nonnegotiables. But if it's something that you can do with a friend Once or twice a month, you like to go on a hike with someone? Maybe your partner doesn't need to be that person. It's important to have a rich network of people in your life that allow you to explore different parts of you instead of putting all of that pressure on 1 partner. That's just too much. And if you find yourself feeling resistant and really anxious about the idea of finding the right person for you. I suggest you get curious. You ask yourself, what are you scared of? For me, it was scared of making the wrong decision, but there's no such thing. Decisions are neutral.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:30:49]:
They just teach you a lot about what works for you and what doesn't. And also I like the idea that there's no right decision. There's only the decision that you decide to make right. This brings you into the equation. Not just let's See if this works out for me, but, oh, how can I participate? How can I help to make it work? I was also afraid of getting stuck. But I had to realize, you are never stuck. You are always free. And I know that consciously.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:25]:
I've always known that consciously that you can always leave a relationship, But then that message has to go from my brain to my body, to my nervous system. I've learned at some point that it's safer for me to rely on myself, to be independent, to be free, And anything that seems to be a potential threat to this is going to activate my survival instinct. The same goes for you. You have to figure out what you have learned in your past that's going to activate Your nervous system now and learn to regulate yourself so you can make better decisions that are informed about what you value today instead of informed by a a desire to avoid past wounds. Let's say you Have learned that it's dangerous for you to open your heart because you get rejected when you do. Then are you going to keep living your life with a closed heart, not letting yourself be loved because you are scared to be rejected. I bet your answer is no. And intellectually, of course, you say, of course, I want to be loved, but you've got to do the deeper work of figuring out how that pattern plays out in your day to day and how you can Spend your nervous system capacity to welcome that love.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:32:59]:
Otherwise, you're just gonna run away either in your mind or actually for real from people who have done nothing wrong, who want the best for you, and who are great people to build relationships with. Actually, this is such a massive topic that it should have been a category in itself being, gaining awareness of your unconscious patterns just like we talked about 2 episodes ago. Your unconscious goals pull you away from your conscious goals. It's true in dating as well. If you want a close relationship, close long term relationship, but unconsciously, you're you're too scared of being rejected to open up, Then it's going to pull you away from what you long for, and that that's really sad. I was not aware of Any of that stuff, when I was dating 8 years ago, I was not aware of what I was unconsciously looking for and what was actually good for me, and that is life changing. So that's it for this week. I hope this was helpful.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:34:12]:
Basically, the 3 things I've learned actually, now that we're at the end of the episode. I think it's 4. The 4 things I've learned about dating in the last 8 months is, number 1, ask for what you want. Be clear and expect clarity from others. It's safe for you to own your needs and your desires. And when you do, yes, it's going to repel people, but that's good because they're not for you. It's and and it's going to attract those who are in alignment. Number 2, the spark is not necessarily A good thing when you have fire in your eyes when you first meet someone, it might just be hormones.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:34:58]:
I didn't mention that the first time. Or it might also be that they remind you of a way you were loved as a child that was not necessarily a healthy one. Think of cult gurus, cult leaders. They have this way of roping people in with their charm, making people feel worthy. If people have, a wound of unworthiness and someone makes them feel suddenly like they matter, you just wanna Be with them all the time because they fill a hole in you, but that's dangerous. That's something to look out for. And what's Much more sustainable is a connection that develops slowly but surely. And, again, I don't want to generalize.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:35:51]:
I know there are stories out there of people who met. There was a spark, and they're they're together after a very long time, and they're happy and but it's just not so black and white. Nothing has gone wrong if there's no spark, but you just Enjoy spending time with someone and getting to know them. Number 3, shift your focus to what truly matters. Get curious about what you're looking for and ask yourself, is this really important, or am I trying to protect myself in a way? Am I trying to fill a hole within me? Am I projecting my insecurities onto my potential partner? Just get curious. And lastly, number 4, the newly invented number 4 that I extracted from the number 3 is is Get to know your unconscious motivations and learn to regulate your nervous system when It's activated, so you make decisions that are grounded and aligned with what you value instead of in reaction to what you've learned in the past. Okay. That's it.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:37:09]:
Please share your insights with me on Instagram. I love to talk about dating. So I'm self growth nerds on Instagram. Just Message me like I was your friend and, like, oh my god. What you said about this made me realize I would love to hear from you. And if you wanna book a call with me this December to talk about whether we wanna work together in January. It's selfgirlnerds.com/audacity. I wish you a beautiful week, and I will talk to you next week.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:37:39]:
Bye. Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the Self Growth Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality. You have to check out how we can work together on self growth nerds.com or message me on Instagram at self growth nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.