Episode 168: Self-Compassion and Success - with Laura Garcia
For ambitious souls and high-achievers like us, self-compassion plays a crucial role in achieving success without burning out. In this episode, I'm joined by former client and mindfulness meditation facilitator Laura Garcia for an insightful discussion on the challenges and importance of being kind to ourselves. Discover actionable steps to cultivate self-compassion and make the journey towards your goals more sustainable. If you are your harshest critic and struggle with negative self-talk, this one’s for you!
Topics
Identifying strategies to feel safe and grounded when feeling overwhelmed or anxious.
Importance of being kind to oneself.
Handling judgment and feeling silly when practicing self-compassion and mindfulness.
The transformative power of self-compassion in relationships.
Laura Garcia's personal experience with practicing self-compassion.
Laura Garcia's routine for practicing awareness and self-compassion.
Links
👉 Want to dig deeper into what you learned in the podcast? Go to selfgrowthnerds.com/links to work together! 👈
Learn more about Laura Garcia on:
To learn more about self-awareness and compassion, Laura recommends the work of:
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host Marie, a courage coach, creative soul and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:38]:
Welcome to the Self growth nerds Podcast, Laura. We're so happy to have you. Please say hello to the listeners and tell us about you. Who you are? Where you live? How old are you, what are you passionate about, all these kinds of things.
Laura Garcia [00:00:55]:
Hi, Marie. Hi, everyone. Thank you so much for having me on today. I feel very honored. My name is Laura and I call myself a mindfulness meditation facilitator. And I've been doing this for a few years now. I live in the Pacific Northwest in the United States, and one of my biggest passions is nature. So that's kinda why we live out here.
Laura Garcia [00:01:17]:
I have a husband and a daughter, and, we just spend most of our time playing outside, and I'm working, you know, with my mindfulness Growth. And, yeah. That's about me.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:29]:
That's amazing. You're so lucky to be in the Pacific Northwest. These are the best forests. I love those those big trees.
Laura Garcia [00:01:36]:
They're insane. I mean, you go out and you, like, connect with a 400 year old tree, and it's like, it's life changing. It really is. Mhmm.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:45]:
It makes me think of a silly story from when I was on the PCT. I was walking through a a a forest in the Pacific Northwest and thinking, wow, those forests, they smell like whiskey. So interesting. And it turns out that it was my little buckle of Jim Beam that was upside down in my backpack, getting emptied out slowly but surely. But I just now associate that smell to that area of the world.
Laura Garcia [00:02:11]:
I was trying to think of, like, does it smell like whiskey? Maybe.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:15]:
Nope. Just me. So Laura, the the the goal in today's episode is to talk about self compassion. It is a topic that we've explored a lot through our sessions together. I wanna first discuss when when do do you struggle to be compassionate towards yourself? And why do you think that is?
Laura Garcia [00:02:44]:
Yeah. I would say, parenting is when I have the hardest time being self compassionate. I have a, she's a 6 year old, almost 7 now. And the reason why I think that is is because for me, I I see kids and they're so vulnerable. Right? They're like the most vulnerable population. They depend on us to meet all their needs. Their brains are still developing. They can't regulate their emotions, and they're looking to us to model what it means to, like, live life and to do this life.
Laura Garcia [00:03:17]:
Like, how do I do this? Right? So there's a lot of pressure to not screw that up. And so when I do screw it up, when I feel when I lose my temper or I get really annoyed, You know, my my condition re reaction to myself is to just be really angry with myself and super guilty. And so in those moments, finding the will to then also be compassionate towards myself can be really, really hard.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:47]:
Okay. And what does that look like?
Laura Garcia [00:03:52]:
So what does the compassionate part look like? Like, how do I be compassionate Actually, what
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:56]:
does it look like when you struggle to be compassionate to towards yourself? Like Self the self talk?
Laura Garcia [00:04:04]:
Yeah. So there are all kinds of stories run through. Right? Like, I should be doing better. I'm failing. I am the worst mother to ever mother. You know, like, why do I keep screwing up? Why do I keep doing these thing the same things over and over? Like, it's just a bunch of self critical, self judgmental stories that play out over and over. And every time, it is kind of the same, you know. If you start to pay attention to this, you'll find it's like the same remarks are are popping up over and over again.
Laura Garcia [00:04:34]:
Because it's a it's a habit. It's a conditioned response. So Mhmm.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:40]:
Why do you think it might be helpful to to notice that the same remarks, the same kind of stories are always coming back?
Laura Garcia [00:04:49]:
I think it just highlights the fact that so much of how we respond to life is, unconscious. Right? We're not bringing a lot of awareness to the situation, to the stimulus, to the response, to what we're telling ourselves, because we learn a lot of these things when we're young, and so they just become habits. Right? And so when we get older, the the habits that we've been doing for so long probably are not gonna be serving us anymore. And so, yeah, so it's just important to notice, that the same stories are playing out over and over again, I think, because it helps us realize that, oh, maybe there's not a lot of truth here. Maybe it's just a conditioned habit instead of being something that's actually helpful. Mhmm.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:33]:
For you, like, the stories that come back regard in in regards to parenting, where do you think they come from?
Laura Garcia [00:05:41]:
I think that one of the ways that we learn to be self critical is from watching our parents. Right? So a lot of parents use criticism to try to control their kids. Right? It's not to put blame anywhere. It's just saying that's how a lot of us have grown up to learn how to be a parent. And so I think these stories come from me learning how I was criticized and, you know, the the idea that if we criticize ourselves, like, that's how we're gonna change ourselves. Right? Like, that's how we're gonna do better next time. I think there's this really deep belief that if I'm hard on myself, if I'm critical, then I'm not gonna keep screwing up. And that is, like, one
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:23]:
of the biggest
Laura Garcia [00:06:24]:
fallacies about self compassion and self judgment is that, you know, we have to be hard on ourselves in order to change. And what really happens is that no change comes from that. I spent 5 years parenting this little person and being super judgmental of myself and not seeing hardly any growth come out of the the stories that I was telling myself and the beating up of myself. Like, there was no change. It wasn't until I started practicing awareness and kindness, self kindness that I actually started to see some changes.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:57]:
So Okay. Now I'm thinking about all the people listening to us, and I I know for many of them, it is still the case. They still believe that. Like, you know, you've got to be hard on yourself in order to change. Like, what you said, if we criticize if I don't criticize myself, then I'm gonna screw up.
Laura Garcia [00:07:18]:
I'll just keep screwing up. Yeah.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:20]:
Yeah. So so how do you break that?
Laura Garcia [00:07:24]:
So I like to use doctor Kristin Neff's framework for understanding self compassion, and she breaks it down to 3 main parts. And the first one we've kind of already talked about is mindfulness. Right? Just bringing awareness to the fact that, oh, I'm being self critical. Oh, what's happening? Oh, these stories are playing out in my mind. It's creating suffering. Right? Because ultimately, what what compassion is, it's love meeting suffering. So the first step is just to be aware that the stories are playing out and that you're experiencing the suffering from those stories. Wait.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:56]:
What do you love meeting suffering? Tell me more about that.
Laura Garcia [00:08:00]:
So ultimately, self compassion is just bringing kindness to our pain. That's what it is. So you can say love or care or kindness. These are kind of interchangeable, but just bringing some sort of tenderness or care to the pain we're experiencing. Okay. So that's step 1. Yeah. The process the step 1 of the whole process is just to even wake up to the fact that that's going on.
Laura Garcia [00:08:25]:
Right? So much of our time is spent being unaware, and we can't make change or develop new practices if we're not aware. The second part is to when you notice that happening, is to put it in a bigger framework. She calls this common humanity. So taking a step back saying this isn't personal. Right? I'm not the only parent who thinks that they've screwed up. I'm not the only one who thinks that they shouldn't even be a parent because they're so bad at it. I'm not the only one who's yelled at my kid. Right? We're all in this together, this common humanity.
Laura Garcia [00:09:03]:
We're all vulnerable, and we're all imperfect and flawed. Just this, it really helps create some space where the kindness can enter. If we take a step back and say, I'm not alone in this. Mhmm. That's the second step. Mhmm.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:19]:
It help helps normalize. Normalize. Exactly. Yep. Do you have a, an example of, like, so so you for you, parenting is a big one. Do you have an example of how that would show up at work?
Laura Garcia [00:09:34]:
Yeah. I think, you know, with work I'll I'll just speak to my experience at least within my job. There's a lot of, like, interpersonal drama that can arise. Right? Like, I don't like the way this person is talking to me. I don't think this person should be telling me what to do. I think this person's idea is stupid. You know? There's, like, all this interpersonal drama, and it can create a lot of suffering because all day long, especially for me and, you know, I I might be a little unique in this, but I work remotely. And so I'm not having a lot of the physical interactions.
Laura Garcia [00:10:05]:
But when we don't speak our peace, it all lives in our head. Right? And so there's all this mental drama going on. Same as with when you're a parent about, like, oh, what's what's what's really playing out here? Like, Self, how is this dynamic with this person? And and like, we don't really get to the truth. We just live in these mental stories and then it creates suffering, and then maybe we don't feel good about going to work, and so on. And so, again, same thing. 1st, have wake up. Like, wake up to these thought processes, you know, wake up to these judgments and Self judgments and judgments of other people, and then understand that, like, everyone at work is doing this. Right? We're all doing this.
Laura Garcia [00:10:43]:
We're all having the same mental games play out. So it's, like, a very natural habit for me now to just be, like, notice and normalize. Right? Like, that's kind of a way I like to do it. Notice and normalize. Oh, I'm not the only one doing this. Like, a lot of these thoughts probably aren't true. And just take a step back from there.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:02]:
Notice and normalize. I love it. 2 n's. Yeah.
Laura Garcia [00:11:05]:
That's interesting.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:05]:
What is step 3?
Laura Garcia [00:11:08]:
The step 3 is the part that a lot of people get hung up. A lot of people are like, oh, I can I can become aware, and I can normalize? That makes sense. The step 3 is where we then need to bring some level, some degree of kindness to ourselves, show ourselves some care in some way. And this is where a lot of people get stuck. Right? So and, again, it's totally understandable, totally normal. You know, I think most of us think, like, why is it okay to be kind to myself? Like, I'm screwing up. Why should I be kind to myself? Right? That doesn't make sense. Being self critical feels more natural.
Laura Garcia [00:11:41]:
And again, you know, there's all these different forces that go into why we think this way. Like we talked about before, our parents. Right? The way we're raised, a lot of times that can play into it. Then there's an element of biology. Thinking self critical thoughts helps us make sure that we conform enough to the group so that we don't get kicked out. So there's a survival instinct at play.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:02]:
That's super interesting. Okay. So it's wired into us.
Laura Garcia [00:12:06]:
Yeah. To a degree. For sure.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:07]:
It's just easier to be mean to ourselves.
Laura Garcia [00:12:10]:
Yeah. Because we gotta we gotta stay in line. Right? If we're if we're acting in a way that other people are not responding well to, we have to be critical so that we can get back in line and so that we're not left on our own to fend for ourselves. Because, you know, in a lot of a lot of biological evolutionary biology, it doesn't really apply to the way we live today. And so we're we're seeing, this crossroads of, like, we have these parts of our brain that still work this way, but they're not helpful in the way that we live today. And so that's just one of them where we're, like, gotta conform so I don't kick I don't get kicked out. So it's just helpful to be aware that that exists and that that's just another force driving you to think self critical thoughts, and that it's, it's totally normal. Mhmm.
Laura Garcia [00:12:57]:
And then the last part I'll I just wanted to say was our culture. Right? Our culture does not value self kindness. It's more of like a stoic way of being. And when we're kind to ourselves, people can see that as being weak or indulgent or maybe even, like, some sort of narcissism. So there's all these forces driving us to think that we should be self critical.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:19]:
So you're going against the current of how you've been brought up. You're going against the current of the culture, and you're going against the current of biology.
Laura Garcia [00:13:29]:
Yeah. It's a lot of force.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:32]:
Yeah. Oh my god. And when you you earlier you said people tell themselves like why should I be kind to myself when I'm when I'm screwing up? What's your answer to that? Why should they?
Laura Garcia [00:13:43]:
You're being self critical because you're you're engaging in a behavior you don't like. Right? You're like, I don't wanna be doing this anymore. It goes back to what I said earlier, which is the only way to change that behavior is through kindness to yourself. I mean, that's just the only way. That's that's the truth I know for myself. It's truth that I've heard from other people. When we beat them up. Why is that? Yeah.
Laura Garcia [00:14:08]:
It gets to this part that I like to call magic. Like, there's just something magical about being kind to yourself. I don't even know how to explain it in a lot of words, and I can't say, like, oh, once you do this, practice, it's like you're going to experience this magic. It's just like there's just this this knot of self judgment when you're kind to Self. They like relax and open. And that allows that allows you to make change from a place of loving yourself. And to be honest, I guess I don't know, like, what's the reasons are behind that. Like, why does being ourselves up not make lasting change? I think it's because it's coming from a place of fear, and fear is meant to just do, like, short term effects.
Laura Garcia [00:14:57]:
Right? Like, survive. And where if you switch gears and now you're coming from a place of love or kindness, there's, like, so much more space there, and it just creates this drive to want to to become a better person or or make better changes. You talk about magic. There's it's actually been explained by science.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:20]:
I was reading about it the other day, and I can't remember the exact wording, but it's exactly related to what you're just sharing. When you're kind to Self, it calms your nervous system. You're no longer in survival instinct. And when you're in survival instinct, it's like you said, short term. You're just trying to survive, versus when your nervous system is calm, then you can regenerate. Right? Yes. And create more pauses. When does change happen? It's when you create a pause between a stimulus and your response.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:57]:
If you're Right.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:58]:
If you're in survival, you react really quickly, and you're always recreating the same patterns, versus if you're slowed down, there's the stimulus, and then if you're if you've slowed down, then you can choose a more intentional response, and that's how you grow. Right? Exactly.
Laura Garcia [00:16:16]:
Yeah. I mean, you don't you don't start becoming a better parent just because you you show yourself self compassion. It's part of all of what you're saying. There's awareness brought to it. There's a space between the stimulus and your response. And out of that space grows the potential for you to make a different decision.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:34]:
Mhmm.
Laura Garcia [00:16:35]:
And kindness is kind of like health kindness is kind of like the lubrication for that whole process, I guess. So it just it just holds the space for that to happen in, like, such a transformative way. But I just I I don't know how else to describe it except to say you just have to start practicing. You have to experience it. I mean, there's just there's only words won't only carry you so far, you know. Like, you have to just practice. And it is a practice. It's not like a, oh, I'll be kind to myself today and tomorrow I'm gonna be a perfect parent.
Laura Garcia [00:17:05]:
You know, obviously, it's a practice. It takes time.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:08]:
Yeah. So the 3 steps, just to summarize, are awareness, notice that that's going on, that you're being mean to yourself, that you're being harsh. Step 2, common humanity. So normalize that that's happening, that you're not alone. And 3, bring care to yourself. Now, step 3 is like, okay, that sounds good. How do you do that? What does that sound like? Can we have a concrete example of Yeah. Of words you use? Like, I I get so many clients telling me, like, I I don't know how to talk to myself kindly because I've never done that, and I've never had adults doing that for me when I was a child.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:50]:
So it's like learning a new language.
Laura Garcia [00:17:53]:
For sure. Yeah. And this is where it can feel really weird and boring and uncomfortable when you first start doing it, because you're like, I've never had to say those words to myself. But, one thing I like to do and again, for everyone, it's gonna be different. And it's really about, like, tapping in and asking yourself, like, what do I Nerds? Because everyone is so different. But I'll just share some things that I do. So the first thing I like to do is just put my hand on my heart when I've noticed, there's suffering here, and you you frame it in the common humanity, you normalize it. And then I just like to put my hand on my heart.
Laura Garcia [00:18:28]:
And depending on how deeply judgmental I feel about myself, I may just do the hand on the heart or I may put it with a phrase. Like, one phrase I really like to say is I care about the suffering. You know? And again, the phrasing, you really need to fine tune it for you. Whatever unlocks the door. Right? Whatever really helps you feel like, like, in the minute I say I care about the suffering, I just feel like, oh, I I part of my nervous system. Right? It relaxes and it says, oh, you know, I'm safe. And another phrase that people use is may I be safe? May I be kind to myself? May I accept myself as I am in this moment? May I accept my life as it is in this moment? So there's there's a those are a few phrases, but you can just play around with it and just pick whatever feels right for you. People are always worried about, like, I have to say the right thing.
Laura Garcia [00:19:25]:
But, honestly, you know what the right thing is. You you your heart will tell you what it needs to hear.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:31]:
That's so important. Yeah. We don't need, like, to be told how. We just need to develop this relationship with ourselves.
Laura Garcia [00:19:39]:
Mhmm.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:40]:
Ask ourselves, what what do you need to hear right now?
Laura Garcia [00:19:43]:
Yeah. And that can be hard at first. So, you know, play around with the phrases that I just suggested or just play around. You know, if I don't feel up for saying phrases, I'll just put my hand on my heart and then just imagine, like, some tenderness or, you know, loving energy going from my hand to my heart. You know, you don't have to bring words into it. And then the other the other thing that I do is, like, I'll just let myself cry. Letting ourselves just feel our emotions can be such a big step of self of self kindness because so many of us are taught it's not okay to have, like, you know, anger or sadness or grief. And so just letting yourself cry, which is also like a very therapeutic biological process, can be, usually comforting as well.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:36]:
Mhmm. How do you allow that? How do you open the door when you've been used to telling yourself you don't have time for this?
Laura Garcia [00:20:46]:
As a mindfulness meditation teacher, I believe all things in life come from mindfulness. Right? Like every step of every day of every interaction should be rooted in mindfulness awareness. So it's just really about practicing that awareness. Like, oh, you know, I feel like crying right now. Oh, my response is I don't have time for that or that's stupid or, you know, just begin to be aware of these thoughts that are driving your behaviors because your behavior is driven by your thought. So if your thought is, oh, it's it's not important to cry or it's stupid, that's gonna drive you to not cry. So just if you bring awareness and then just give yourself some space to you know, if you can sit somewhere privately or wherever you feel comfortable and just see where it goes. Obviously, not about forcing anything.
Laura Garcia [00:21:35]:
Just opening. Just slow openings, you know. It might not be overnight transformation.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:41]:
Some people have told me I'm I'm scared that if I let myself open, it's just going to be an abyss. Because I've repressed so many tears over time, and, like, I'm gonna have to cry for 2 weeks straight.
Laura Garcia [00:21:55]:
Yeah. That can be tricky. There's a lot of fear about feeling our emotions, and I always like to say to do it in baby steps. Right? So if you are ever in the depths of an emotional experience, like you're crying and you're starting to worry, you know, you're starting to get anxiety about the crying cause you're, you're not knowing when it's gonna stop. And again, it will, we can get into areas of like trauma here. So if you're talking about, like, you have an experience with trauma, like, this don't listen to me. You need to go speak to somebody who's, like, a trauma therapist. Right? Like, you have to be very careful.
Laura Garcia [00:22:32]:
And so everyone has different backgrounds, but if we're not talking about trauma and you're talking about a general fear, you know, just sit and see if you can be if you're crying and you're starting to feel anxious about it, just sit and see if you can be with anxiety. You know, that's really what mindfulness is all about. It's just seeing if you can be with what is there. And if it's getting to this point where you're like, I'm uncomfortable, this is scaring me, then, you know, there's different practices that we do in mindfulness meditation where you can open your eyes, you focus on your surroundings, like, there's an an anxiety technique where you focus on a point and then you, like, blur your vision and just, like, whatever you can do to help your nervous system relax. Because ultimately, it's all about the nervous system. Right? Like, when we're getting all worked up and we're worrying and we have anxiety, the way to come back down is to regulate your nervous system. So Mhmm.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:24]:
Get get outside, go for a walk, maybe listen to a podcast so that you change your focus.
Laura Garcia [00:23:31]:
Yes. Whatever you need to do to feel grounded and safe, and again, that's so different for everyone. But yeah. And so it can be helpful before you even start this, it can be helpful to come up with some ideas of, like, okay. If I'm starting to feel overwhelmed in this process, like, what can I do? What will help me feel safe and grounded? Maybe it's, you know, I pet my dog or maybe it's like I go outside or I love that.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:54]:
So if you see I love to say that when you see an obstacle to something, so in this case the obstacle would be, well, I'm scared that if I start crying I'm never gonna stop. Then for every obstacle, you can find a strategy. Yeah. So if this is the obstacle, then you can prepare ahead of time. What can I do if that happens? It it makes me think of the the there's a show on Apple TV called, I think, shrinking, and it's it's a comedy show. And they need to grieve because, the this man's wife has passed away, and his daughter's basically, his daughter's mom has passed away, and what they do, they set a 15 minute timer for grieving. So they set a 15 minute timer, they put some sad music on, and then they cry for 15 minutes, and then when the timer rings, they go do something else. Now, that's funny, right? But for some people, that might be what makes helps them feel safe.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:46]:
Like, what gives them sure to feeling their feelings if if they've never practiced that before?
Laura Garcia [00:24:55]:
Right. Yeah. I mean, there's so many ideas about doing things right, and I love that you bring this up because, you know, setting a timer might not be the right thing for somebody, but it could be totally the right thing for somebody else. So just try to let go of any of your expectations and ideas of, like, what's the right way to do this? Do it in a way that is feels safe for you and helpful.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:17]:
Mhmm. Yes. And that's around feeling your feelings, but if we go back to being kind to ourselves and, like, how do we talk to ourselves this way? I think it's super normal for there to be judgment, for us to judge ourselves. Kind of like you're when you're learning a new language. No, I speak French and I've had people tell me like, I don't wanna speak French to you. I'm not good enough and you're gonna think it's funny. In order to learn a language, you've got to be willing to sound silly. In order to learn something really, you have to be willing to sound silly.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:50]:
And I was reading in a I'm I'm reading the book called, book called Effortless right now by Greg McEwen. And he talks about, like, a language teacher who says you have a bag full of Nerds, and let's say there's a 100 beads in there. Every time you make a language mistake, you remove a bead. By the time the bag is empty, you will master the language. It's the same thing here. Like, just try to try to be kind to yourselves and to yourself, and let it sound silly, let it sound cringe, and over time, it's gonna become a new normal.
Laura Garcia [00:26:29]:
For sure. Yeah. The first step is just doing it. Right? Even if you even if you don't feel anything different, even if it feels totally goofy and you don't see a change, like, the first steps is just to practice it. And I I I can't promise results. But what I have seen is that over time, things will open up for you. Nobody knows how long that will be, but if you keep doing this and you keep showing up for yourself and you say, ah, suffering, and then you bring some measure of care over and over again, you're gonna find your groove. You're gonna find phrases that work really well for you.
Laura Garcia [00:27:04]:
You're gonna find the different things that really make you feel safe and loved again. And it might take a while. It might take a month. It might take 6 months before it feels, like, genuine when you're actually doing it. It could just feel like, oh, you know, may I be kind to myself? Well, I didn't really do anything. And, yeah, exactly. That's okay. It's not gonna be perfect.
Laura Garcia [00:27:24]:
There's no judging here. But when there is judging, again, as the mindfulness person, I'm gonna say, oh, that's another great opportunity. Just be aware, like, oh, I'm going through this I was judging Self, so now I'm doing self compassion. Now I'm judging the self compassion. Like, it's just another layer to be aware of. And
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:41]:
Just noticing the moment when you use the cake.
Laura Garcia [00:27:44]:
Yeah. It normalized. It's okay. Everyone does that. Everyone goes through this process. Right? You're not unique in that way. It's totally normal.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:53]:
Mhmm. It's not linear. You don't get like a little bit better every day. It's you it's messy. Tell tell us why what's the impact? Why should we do this? What's the impact that we can expect to see? Let's let's I would love to hear examples from your own life. How has mindfulness and self compassion improved your own life? Do you have concrete examples?
Laura Garcia [00:28:21]:
I do. Yep. I mean, just in general, practicing self compassion is gonna decrease all kinds of feelings of fear and isolation, comparison. And then at the same time, it increases feelings of optimism and acceptance and then just general aliveness. I mean, that's where that magic comes in. Like, there's an aliveness that comes out of this. But one of the ways that it's really helped me is with interpersonal relationships, because really self critical people tend to think that other people are being self critical of them. And so when we get and when we have a close relationship, like, with a partner or a friend, that can really sabotage that.
Laura Garcia [00:29:03]:
And so for myself, I was really seeing this play out in my marriage. Like, I was constantly assuming that my husband was judging and criticizing me even in, like, completely neutral statements, I would find some way to, like, twist and be like, oh, well, you're totally being an ass and criticizing me. Right? And so what self compassion does is, again, starts with the mindfulness. Right? Notice, oh, there goes that story again. I was like, he's saying something. I'm twisting it, and now I feel awful. Right? So just noticing that. And then normalizing.
Laura Garcia [00:29:40]:
Right? Lots of people do this in relationships. It's super common. And what it does is it creates this huge emotional distance. Right? Like, it's really hard to have a thriving relationship with when one person is constantly thinking the other person is being critical.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:29:55]:
Mhmm. Creates conflict when there is none.
Laura Garcia [00:29:57]:
Yes. Exactly. And how do you build a healthy relationship off that foundation? You know? You can't. You really can't. And so it's just this process of noticing, normalizing, and then showing myself the care in in the various ways that I I had said earlier is lay my hand on my heart and be like, ah, I see what's happening again. You know? And it's totally transformed our relationship. It's not perfect. Right? This is not a goal of, like, I'm gonna be perfect, and I'll never have suffering and blah blah blah.
Laura Garcia [00:30:28]:
There are days where I I still notice the mental gains. Like, he'll say something, and I'm like, oh, he's judging. But now instead of reacting, right, it's like we talked about before. There's that space there, and I take the space and I say, oh, is that really true? No. 99.9% of the time, it's not true. And then I can go through the process. Right? And so instead of it turning into a fight, nothing happens. Right? I I just I take care of myself the way I Nerds to be taken care of.
Laura Garcia [00:30:55]:
He doesn't even know anything's going on, and we can move on with our day. And the emotional distance is, like, from goes from, you know, this wide to this wide.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:05]:
You get closer.
Laura Garcia [00:31:07]:
Yeah.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:08]:
That's beautiful. And it saves so much energy. Yeah. Because if all of your energy is spent on imaginary judgments, on assumptions, then you have no energy left to for your dreams, for Right. Options, for for what you're interested in pursuing.
Laura Garcia [00:31:33]:
Yeah. And it it just sucks the fun out of it too. You're like, you have this relationship where there's so much potential to, like, enjoy each other. And without self compassion, that potential is just, like, down the drain. Right?
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:47]:
The amount the number of amazing relationships that could exist if this work was taken more seriously.
Laura Garcia [00:31:58]:
Yeah. For sure.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:59]:
How much better people would feel within their skin and with each other.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:32:04]:
Yeah.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:32:07]:
Yeah.
Laura Garcia [00:32:07]:
It's magic. I I mean, there's just so much magic to this process.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:32:12]:
It's I always talk about the analogy of being mean to yourself is, like, you have a mean boss inside your inner workplace.
Laura Garcia [00:32:22]:
Yeah.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:32:22]:
And if you have a mean boss at work, you don't wanna show up. Mhmm. So it's hard to show up to your life every day if there's this mean voice inside your mind. It makes everything harder.
Laura Garcia [00:32:36]:
Yeah. That's why this is transformative in developing your relationship with yourself as well because you don't wanna work for that mean boss. Right? You don't really like that mean boss. And so when the mean boss is you, it's like there's always this friction of, like, I don't like myself. That's like a whole another level to this and where self compassion can unearth the roots of those things and and bring the care to it that it needs so that it can just open and fall away. That's what happens so much with this process. It's not about striving. I wanna I wanna be a better person.
Laura Garcia [00:33:09]:
I wanna, you know, do the right thing every time. And there's, like, a lot of striving in that. And with this practice is what happens is all the the ways that we behave harmfully, they kind of just they just kinda fall away. Like, it's the magic again. There's just something about this process that just kind of dissolves the roots of fear and judgment in a way that you don't have to try to do anything. You just show up and be kind, and like the way forward just kind of opens. Mhmm.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:33:43]:
I love that. I'm curious to hear so you've told us about your a lot about your mindfulness practice and your process. We you and I have worked together in coaching as well. What have you learned in coaching that's helpful for you that's different from what you've learned in your mindfulness practice?
Laura Garcia [00:34:04]:
The coaching aspect really helped me focus on my confidence building more than mindfulness. I would say that the mindfulness really helps you be aware of the of the self sabotage and the self judgment. But the coaching really took that a step further and and said, maybe go deeper with how can I believe in myself more, I guess? That was, like, the biggest the biggest shift was, you know, transforming how can I believe in myself more?
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:34:40]:
Mhmm. Okay. So the the mindfulness helps you neutralize, get to, like, a stable ground. Yeah. And then from there, from what I'm hearing, the coaching helps you jump from the stable ground.
Laura Garcia [00:34:55]:
Yeah. Mindfulness is like rooting into the present, but then where do you go from there? Right? And so coaching was, like, one path forward of, like, I'm here. I'm aware of what's going on. And how do I make some changes so that I can grow in the belief of myself, which really grows confidence.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:35:18]:
Yeah. I love that. And you you've given us an example of how mindfulness has impacted your relationship with your husband. Do you have a, an example of how coaching has had an impact in your day to
Laura Garcia [00:35:31]:
day? Well, I would say that the the most obvious glaring place that it's had an impact is with my work. Because I wasn't really even aware, but I was having a lot of a lot of blockage in not only believing in my worth at work, but also being able to communicate that to my bosses. And so coaching really helped me kinda uncover where those things were hiding, where those blocks were hiding, and then how to move through them.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:36:06]:
Mhmm. We worked a lot on knowing the value you bring to the table. Right? The unique value you bring to the table, and then not expecting others to just see it, but you being able to believe in it so much that you can express it clearly.
Laura Garcia [00:36:22]:
Yeah. It was a lot of work with doubts. You know? There's so much I had a lot of doubt around that, and the coaching really helped me question those doubts and see them for what they were. Mhmm.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:36:37]:
Which they were what?
Laura Garcia [00:36:39]:
I mean, a bunch of garbage. You know? Like, just a bunch of metal mental, refuse that needed to be taken to the dump.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:36:50]:
Love that analogy. Are there any before we before we leave, any go to methods or tools that you want to share that you haven't shared yet? That you have developed on your own or that you have learned in mindfulness or via coaching?
Laura Garcia [00:37:14]:
I don't know if there's anything that I haven't shared yet. I mean, my biggest tool is always awareness, mindfulness. You know? Without that, there's nothing else. There is literally nothing else. You can't move forward without that, I don't think. I don't believe. And then the second biggest tool is normalizing. You know? What what I realized I was doing so much before my mindfulness training was really taking everything personal.
Laura Garcia [00:37:39]:
And there's just this big shift that happens when you realize it's not personal. Feelings are not personal. The self judgment talk is not personal. It's universal. And so there's just such an opportunity there to create some space in your life just with that that understanding alone. And then just remembering that suffering does not mean that there's something wrong with us. It's part of life. It's part of being alive.
Laura Garcia [00:38:10]:
It's not something that doesn't mean we're broken. Right? It's just part of life. And then the oh, I just wanna say one more thing. Start where it's easy. Right? So, like, we were talking about before, like, I'm afraid to cry because what if I haven't cried in 10 years, and what if I can't stop? Right? So you wanted to start where it's easiest for you. For me, parenting was not the place to start because that was a really charged situation. For me, where I like to start was with work because there's not as much pressure there for me to be kind to myself. Start where it's easier.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:38:47]:
The stakes are lower. Yep. Exactly. And does that you you were talking about the awareness, normalizing. Does that all happen in the background? Or do you have activities in your routine that you've implemented? Or that it's something that you do when you need to do it? Right.
Laura Garcia [00:39:08]:
So as a meditation teacher, what I find really helpful is to meditate. I try to meditate every day. And for me, meditation is just a place to practice awareness. Right? Because your mind's gonna wander. I I try to meditate for, like, 30 minutes, so that's a lot of time to give your mind to, like, wander around. And so it's like going to soccer practice or any kind of practice. For me, meditation is that practice where I sit and I'm just gonna practice my awareness muscles. Because, again, just like self compassion, awareness is a practice, in its own, and so we have to strengthen those muscles of noticing when we're lost in thought and bringing ourselves back.
Laura Garcia [00:39:50]:
So meditation is a huge tool for me. And then also, I like to do what's called, like, movement meditation where walks in nature. You know? But I don't go walking in nature to, like, hike 3 miles. There are times I do that. But when I'm doing it for awareness practice, I go slowly. And there's different kinds of things you can do while you're walking to make it like a a a walking meditation, a movement meditation. So instead of sitting, you're walking. You know? So there's a variety of different ways, but meditation's probably my biggest tool for practicing awareness.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:40:23]:
Mhmm. Oh, thank you. And, last question, I wanna know if there's someone that you look up to, that you find really inspiring in this, in the world of mindfulness and self compassion that you think my listeners should discover?
Laura Garcia [00:40:41]:
Yeah. So Kristin Neff is like a huge figure in self compassion world, and she's got multiple books out. She actually has, like, a membership program that you can join where once a month, they gather and, you know, there's q and a and there she talks. And so if you were looking to dive more into specifically self compassion, I would look up Self. She's an amazing resource. And then just for mindfulness in general, Jack Kornfield is one of my favorite mindfulness teachers. He He talks a lot about compassion. You know, there's a lot of overlap with mindfulness and compassion, but he is probably more, I would say, on the mindfulness side.
Laura Garcia [00:41:17]:
So, yeah, Jack and Kristen are 2 really great resources.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:41:21]:
Awesome. Okay. And, so Laura, please tell people where they can find you, and I think you have an an invitation to make.
Laura Garcia [00:41:29]:
Yes. So I have an Instagram. It's called Laura Garcia official, and you can find me there. What's happening what's coming up is in June, I'm gonna be teaching an introduction to mindfulness meditation course. It's 4 weeks. We meet once a week for 4 weeks. And it's really just, like, to get a taste of what mindfulness is about, what mindfulness meditation is about, how it could help you. It's a really short program, but it's a great place to start if you've never done anything with meditation or maybe you have a little bit, but it's not worked out.
Laura Garcia [00:42:05]:
But, yeah, that's coming up in June. So if you wanna look me up on Instagram and send me a DM, I can, send you more details about it.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:42:13]:
Okay. So you want people to DM you if they're interested, and you'll tell them more about how it works.
Laura Garcia [00:42:18]:
You got it. Yep.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:42:19]:
That's amazing. Well, thank you so much, Laura, for coming on the podcast. This was fascinating, and I have felt my nervous system calm down as we were talking. I'm so glad.
Laura Garcia [00:42:32]:
Thank you, Marie. It was a pleasure to be here.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:42:38]:
Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the Self growth Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, you have to check out how we can work together on selfgrowthnerds.com Nerds message me on Instagram at self Growth Nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.