Episode 167: Finding The Root Cause of Anxiety
In our rush to find quick relief from anxiety, we often only scratch the surface of its true causes. By overlooking the deeper origins, we miss valuable insights that could guide more effective treatment. In this episode, we delve into 6 potential root causes of anxiety, empowering you to understand and address what's truly at play for you.
Topics
6 frameworks to uncover the root cause of anxiety.
The need for introspection and self-reflection to identify and address unmet needs that may be contributing to anxiety.
The Significance of Setting Boundaries in Managing Anxiety.
Gaining clarity, and moving forward.
Links
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Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host Marie, a courage coach, creative soul and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm doing really good. I'm super happy to be back with a solo episode.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:47]:
Today we are talking about finding the root cause of anxiety. What I often see when people feel anxious is that they treat the surface cause. We try to find the quickest way to feel better. For example, if you're feeling anxious about something you said to a friend, you want to be reassured by that friend or by someone else that you said the right thing, that it was okay, that no one's offended. But the root cause of your anxiety is not what you said or how the person feels about it. It might be your fear of offending people, your fear of being disliked, your fear of being rejected. And if you never address that root cause, the anxiety is just gonna come back the next time you're faced with a similar circumstance. What actually happens when you only address the surface cause is you're telling the anxiety that it has good reason to show up.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:50]:
So you are reinforcing the pattern. You're telling your brain, yes, brain, it is important that I never offend anyone, so please ring the alarm bells every time I say something that might be slightly offensive. This is the message you're sending. It's super important to find the root cause of your anxiety if you want it to take a step back, because when you know why it's really there, the real reason why it rises to the surface, then you'll be able to give it a more appropriate treatment. Now let me give you a little disclaimer before we get started. I am not a mental health professional. You might have a more serious condition like an anxiety disorder, and I don't pretend I can diagnose or heal your anxiety. The goal of this episode is to give you tools to help you manage your anxiety, to help you explore your inner world and better understand yourself.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:52]:
What I'm going to do in this episode is walk you down 6 different paths, asking you questions to help you figure out what's going on for you underneath the surface. If the first path doesn't apply to your situation, see if the second or the third or the fourth one does, this is kind of like a flowchart to help you get to the bottom of what is going on. I suggest you choose one issue that makes you feel anxious in your life right now and work through this one as you listen to the episode, and then save the episode and come back to it when you feel anxiety about a different aspect of your life. Okay? So let's get started. Number 1. Are you feeling anxious because you have been neglecting your basic needs? One of my best friends, she's a doctor, and she's always reminding me that we're just like toddlers. We need to take care of ourselves, to feed ourselves good food, to sleep, to not spend all of our time on a screen to go play outside. And if we don't, if we just stay indoors and eat sugar and go to bed late, scrolling our phone, well, it's going to have an impact on the next few days, on our moods, on our energy levels.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:17]:
Just like a kid coming back from a weekend at their grandparents' house, where they might have been allowed to do whatever they wanted when they wanted, They're bound to be more irritable when they get home. They might have a hard time focusing. They might be more messy. That's the same thing for us as adults. Those needs don't just disappear. We just get better at controlling ourselves, but underneath the surface, the consequences of neglecting them are still there. Personally, I know that I cannot skip breakfast. Sometimes, when I'm busy with work, I try to I try to just have coffee and then lunch, but I will inevitably see the impact a few days later.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:05]:
I will have a lower energy. I will have bad moods. So as annoying as it was for me at the beginning, I have had to learn to prioritize sitting down for 15 minutes and eating a a bagel with peanut butter and bananas on it. I just eat the same thing all the time, so it makes it easier for my brain. I don't have to make any decision. I just have to do the thing, eat it, and move on. And it makes a world of difference. So if you've been feeling anxious, step 1 is to look at the basics.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:38]:
Are you sleeping? Are you eating? Are you going outside for a little bit every day? Once you do, you will start seeing more clearly, and what's making you feel anxious right now will probably seem a lot more manageable. Okay. Number 2. If you are feeling anxious, it might be because you have a leak in your bucket. What I mean by that is you need to set a boundary. You might be spreading yourself thin because you don't know how many toasts you're supposed to butter. Weird analogy. But imagine if the toast didn't have any borders.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:19]:
It was just like an immense piece of bread. You just butter and butter and butter. That's why it's important to set parameters. Let's say for example you're a freelancer. You need to clarify the scope of a job beforehand. Friend of mine is a photographer. She goes on a shoot, and she hasn't agreed with her client how many photos she's supposed to deliver, she's probably gonna freak out. But if she knows, okay, I've got to produce 10 photos for them, then there's a certain frame that gives her work direction.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:56]:
She's gonna be more focused instead of anxious. I have another example from when I first started freelancing. I remember being super annoyed because I thought people didn't respect my time. My partner would come into my office to tell me about something random. People would call me. I had a friend ask me if I could babysit her kid, and that all made me feel so frustrated. But I learned that when you feel frustrated, it's because in some way you have given your power away. And you have to ask yourself, how can I take it back? All I had to do in that moment was leave the door of my office closed.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:41]:
If my partner was to come in, tell him that now is not the right time. Please let's talk later today. Someone was to call me and I was not available, just don't pick up the phone. And if my friend asked me if I could babysit, all I had to do was tell them, without any drama, sorry, this won't be possible. I need to work. We don't like being the one to hold a boundary because we are afraid of seeming rude, so we just expect other people to guess. But that's just not sustainable long term. So if you find yourself thinking people don't respect your time, chances are you're the one who's not respecting your time because you're afraid of making someone upset.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:28]:
In that situation, you've got to get better at showing people how to treat you. This is about taking full responsibility. You don't need to expect the world to treat you well if you know that you will always have your own back and you will have the courage to leave situations when you are not treated the way you want to. Let's say a a client asks me to do something that was not in the scope of our project. I can say, Self, this will cost x amount of extra dollars. And if they say no, I don't have to feel resentment and do it anyway, I can say, that's not gonna be possible. And if you're in a situation where you have spoken up about your needs and your preferences, but they're not being considered, or maybe a situation where you feel it's not safe for you to advocate for yourself, then I think your first priority should be to plan your exit. Another question you can ask yourself here is in what ways am I self abandoning? And what can I implement in order to protect my peace? I remember someone telling me they were super anxious about a breakup conversation they wanted to have.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:45]:
They said to me, I feel anxious because I know I'm gonna have to sit there for hours and hours being spoken at badly, having to justify why I'm leaving in a million different ways. And I reminded them that no. No. They don't. They can set a boundary there. They can decide, you know what? I'm going to have a conversation with you for no longer than 1 hour, and then I'm gonna have spoken with a friend of mine beforehand to tell them that I'm coming over after for emotional support. This is what I mean when I say that maybe you're feeling anxious because of a lack of boundary, because you're putting other people's needs before your own, folding yourself in weird positions in order to please others. You don't have to do that.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:36]:
Okay. Let's move on to number 3. The root cause of your anxiety might be a story that you tell yourself that is not even in alignment with your core values. Now you might be confused right now. Stay with me. It's all going to make sense very soon. In order to identify the story that that is making you feel anxious, we are gonna need to slow down. We are gonna need to slow down and reflect instead of reacting to the anxiety right away.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:09]:
Let's say you come back from an evening with friends and you're feeling anxious. You might want to numb to avoid that feeling by, binging a a show on Netflix. Instead, what you wanna do is be with the sensation and soothe your nervous system. K? Take deep breaths. Maybe have a bath or a hot shower. Whatever is going to help make you feel calm. Maybe it's listening to music. I don't know, it's different for everyone.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:44]:
And once you are calm enough, you'll be able to do what Martha Beck calls walking back the cat. Figuring out when the anxiety got activated. Maybe it'll be easy for you to do that, maybe you already know, and then you're going to separate the fact of what happened from the story that you tell yourself about the fact. I'm going to make up like a scenario as an example. Maybe you were in an evening with a bunch of people, and there were some extroverts. And you're an introvert, and those extroverts were making people laugh and telling telling fun, entertaining stories, and then you get back home and you believe that you should be more talkative. The fact here might be that you spoke less than others, and then the story is telling Self, I need to be more talkative in order to be loved, in order to be more appreciated. Okay? Then I want you to ask yourself, is this really true? What makes me believe this? Is this story informed by my social conditioning? By maybe something that someone said to me when I was growing up? By my dad's beliefs? By society's beliefs? Or is it informed by my core values? By what I truly believe? Would you tell your best friend that they should be more talkative? Sometimes we've integrated stories that we gotta identify and challenge if we want to be freer.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:25]:
Let's say you were to read the book Quiet by Susan Cain, which celebrates introversion. Then you might rewire that belief in your mind, Instead of believing that you need to be more talkative because extroversion is is valued in our society, you might start believing, actually, I'm completely fine the way I am. I like me the way I am. And because you've taken the time to address the root cause of your anxiety, you're gonna feel feel a lot better the next time you're in a group. And sure, there might still be some anxiety because you have remnants of the belief in you. Because if you've believed a certain story for years years years, it's still gonna be there in the corner of your mind, but you can you can tell yourself, oh, okay. I know a part of me wishes I was like this, but I'm not, and that's okay. You can reassure yourself when you know the real reason why you feel anxious.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:26]:
1 of my clients said it so wise, Lis. She said when you identify the story that's creating inner turbulence then instead of changing the way that you are, you can change the story that you believe. When you are able to identify the story, it helps you zoom out. Instead of being lost in the forest, being inside the anxiety, you see the forest from above. You're able to see what your mind is doing, what your mind is trying to make you believe, and it gives you a different perspective in which you have more room to breathe. Now we have to be mindful, because sometimes the root cause of our anxiety is going to be an outdated story that comes from a place of insecurity. But sometimes the root cause of our anxiety is going to be from us ignoring our intuition and that is number 4. Are you anxious because there is something you are refusing to see? An inner knowing that you are in denial about.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:37]:
I'm gonna give you an example to make sure you understand well. I was dating someone and I was feeling anxious a lot of the time. Now I figured maybe the cause of my anxiety is that I have a fear of commitment. So I went and read a book about that. But what was really going on was simply my intuition telling me, leave. Leave. This person is not for you. But I did not want to listen, so the anxiety kept coming back.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:08]:
The same exact thing happened in the last year with my ex, just before I left this 7 year relationship. I felt anxious a lot of the time and I know it's because deep down I wanted to leave, but I did not want this to be my truth. So I was trying to find a different cause for my anxiety. I thought maybe it's hormones. Maybe I have issues because of my hormones. Let's let's try to fix that. But in both cases, as soon as I listened to what my intuition was telling me and I left, the anxiety completely disappeared. It is hard in the moment, however, to identify, is this my intuition or is this me freaking out because I've been hurt in the Podcast? Let's say you've been cheated on and you're scared of that happening again.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:00]:
You might have a hard time trusting someone new, even though they haven't shown you any sign that they shouldn't be trusted. So your fear might tell you, run, leave, because it wants to protect you. And that that is not your intuition talking. Right? It's it's a story that comes from insecurity. It is not your intuition telling you to go. Being able to tell the difference is a skill that you can develop, that you can actually that you can relearn because that's something we used to be able to do easily as children. It's a connection to your core self. So you've got to practice slowing down, getting still, and tuning in to hear your truth.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:47]:
The British author Sam Coniff asks a question that I love. He says, what do you know in your body right now that you will only realize later this year? In my experience, stories that come from a place of insecurity and fear feel hectic. They make my body feel tight. They make my body feel tense. While messages from my intuition are calmer, they are like a a firm but loving parent, like it's time to go now. They're like a gentle push in a certain direction. And the anxiety arises when I ignore the nudges over and over again. So are you ignoring a nudge from your intuition? And I've given you two examples from leaving relationships, but this can also be connected to your work.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:43]:
I'll give you one last example before we move on. I have a a client who when when she came in, she felt super depressed and that's because we discovered she was forcing herself to stay in a line of work because it made sense, because it was pleasing her surroundings, instead of pursuing her soul's calling. So treating the surface cause here would have been going and taking antidepressants, for example, when actually the root cause is a total absence of fulfillment in her work. And so the right kind of treatment here is figuring out, okay, how do we take action to get closer to what you actually feel called to do with your one and precious life? That's what we're doing in coaching and right away she started feeling better. In the first few weeks she started feeling better. This is another testament to the importance of figuring out what the root cause is so you can address it and feel better, sooner rather than later. Maybe you don't have depression, maybe you don't have issues with your hormones, maybe you don't have a fear of commitment, maybe you're just ignoring your intuition. Now before we move on to number 5, if you think you're you might be in the same situation as my client, go listen to my podcast episode called your ignored calling.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:15]:
It's gonna be super helpful. Number 5, is the root cause of your anxiety a lack of action? Are you anxious because you're stagnating, Because you've been swimming in circles in the same pool of data, waiting for the answer to rise to the surface? There's a quote that I love. I don't know who said this. It goes along the lines of clarity doesn't come from overthinking. Clarity comes from engaging with life. I had a client the other day tell me I have no idea if this will succeed, but I feel much better now that I'm taking action. Let's say you've been talking for years years about starting a side business or writing a book, but you're just anxious, you're not sure that you're good enough, that you have what it takes, you're just stuck in your mind. Right? Spinning loops in your mind.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:09]:
When you start taking action you might fall flat on your face, but you'll get up and you'll learn from your mistake, you'll keep going. There's less space to be anxious if you're taking action. The same goes for people who feel a lot of anxiety in regards to the climate crisis. It's for sure gonna feel like hell if you stay at home reading the news. Your anxiety is gonna be so much easier to manage, and I'm not saying easy. I'm saying easier to manage if you get out there and start taking action. And it can be overwhelming. Right? Where do I start? What do I do? Smallest little step.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:48]:
What is the smallest little step? I don't know, I don't know. Okay. Take a guess. What is your best guess? Try something. Just try something and don't expect perfection. Any action is better than no action in most cases. It's like people who struggle to make a decision, I tell them it's because you haven't made enough decisions. So it's better to make the quote unquote wrong decision, even though I don't believe there's right and wrong decisions, All the decisions bring you information.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:16]:
It's better to take a quote unquote wrong decision than to take no decision at all because when you take no decision you're just stuck with the same amount of data. And finally, number 6, are you feeling anxious because there's a need of yours that is not being met? This makes me think about a scene in the movie Take This Waltz with Michelle Williams and Seth Rogen that I used to love, like, more than 10 years ago. She's, he's a chef. He's a cook. He, like, makes chicken recipes, and she gets angry with him. She says, you're always talking about chicken. You're always cooking chicken. It's always about chicken.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:58]:
But it's not really about chicken. It's about a need of hers that's not being met. Maybe she doesn't feel seen. Maybe she doesn't feel taken care of properly. Let's say you're jealous of someone because they have a fancy car. It's not really about the car. It's about what the car represents. Maybe to you the car represents respect.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:23]:
This person is gonna be more easily respected, looked up to, admired, so people are gonna wanna hang out with them, just like popular kids in high school. Maybe that tells us about your your need for connection. Maybe you feel lonely these days. You wish you had deeper relationships. See how that has nothing to do with the car? So what I love to do in those instances is ask myself, honey, what is this really about? And listen. The author Kasia Urbanjak says that behind every complaint there is a desire. So let's say you're angry because one of your colleagues has an office by the window. You say it's unfair.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:09]:
I want an office by the window as well. Maybe it has nothing to do with the office per se. Maybe it speaks to your need for recognition. You feel unseen at work, you feel unrecognized and that's what needs to be addressed more than the position of your desk If you're feeling anxious about a small number of likes on one of your pictures, for example, it's not about the small number of likes. What is it about honey? What's going on? Gotta develop a relationship with yourself where you can, be your own best friend, where you are able to say, oh, has nothing to do with the number of likes. It's just that I'm tired, that I'm telling myself the story that people think I'm ugly, and, actually, I just need a good night's sleep and a phone call with my best friend. One last example. Let's say you have a small business and you're not promoting on social media and you say that's because I hate Instagram.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:15]:
Maybe the root cause is not your hatred of Instagram, but a fear of what the naysayers will think. A fear of being judged. So what you need here is reassurance. Reassurance that no matter what people think, you will be okay. That you are still loved even though some people might think you are cringe. So you don't need to go look for a different app, download a different app to do your promotion on. Instead, you need to address your need for emotional security And you can do that by learning to calm your nervous system and then identify the story that's creating the anxiety and then challenging that story, rewriting that story for one that feels much more empowering. That is what I do all the time with my clients in coaching, and I have spots available for clients right now.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:15]:
So if you know that your anxiety is stopping you from going all in towards what you most want in your heart, it's time to learn to manage it, and I can help you do just that if we work together. If we work together, we're gonna get really clear on the direction you want to go in. We're gonna make a plan, and then I'm gonna help you follow through with the plan. I'm gonna help keep you accountable and I'm gonna teach you tools to manage your anxiety so that you don't you don't keep running into a wall of mind drama, so that you no longer self sabotage because your emotions make it unbearable to keep moving forward. K. If you know that that's what you need right now, go to self Growth nerds.com/audacity. You can book a discovery call there. Super easy.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:07]:
It's free. We're gonna get to know each other, and I'll tell you everything about how this works, and you'll be able to make a decision from there. Okay. So quick summary of the 6 different possible root causes of your anxiety. Number 1. You might just be anxious because you haven't taken care of your basic Nerds, so you just gotta get back to basics. Number 2. Maybe you are anxious because it's time to set some boundaries.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:37]:
Number 3, maybe you are anxious because you are believing a story that is not in alignment with your truth, but that is coming from your conditioning. From a, an old wound, from an insecurity, from a fear. Number 4. Maybe you are anxious because you're ignoring your intuition. Number 5, maybe you are anxious because you're stagnating and it's time to take action. And finally, number 6, maybe you are anxious because there's a need that's being unmet that is desperately trying to be fulfilled. That's it for today. I hope this episode was helpful.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:28:21]:
Don't forget to save it and come back when you are feeling anxious about something else, and you need help figuring out what the root cause is. And don't forget, the root cause might be not just one of these, but a few of these mixed in together, like a sweet little cocktail of anxiety. Okay. Have a beautiful week, and I will talk to you soon. Bye. If you love what you're hearing on the Self Growth Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, you have to check out how we can work together on selfgrowthnerds.com Nerds message me on Instagram at selfgrowthnerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:29:17]:
Get in touch now and I cannot wait to meet you.