Episode 192 - Making Hard Decisions: The Conflict Between âShouldâ and âWantâ
Are you living a life that's truly yours, or are you stuck in the expectations of what you think you should do? In this episode, we explore how our self-concept â shaped by our need to fit in â keeps us trapped in safe, conventional choices⊠even when they donât align with our deepest desires. When you become aware of the ways this mindset holds you back, you can stop making superficial changes and start pursuing a life that aligns with who you really are. Ready to challenge the safety net and take a bold step forward? Tune in.
Topics
Understanding Self-Concept
External safety versus internal fulfillment.
Challenge of Leaving Comfort Zone
Encouragement to Explore New Possibilities
Links
đ Want to dig deeper into what you learned in the podcast? â â Go to selfgrowthnerds.com/school to work 1-on-1 with me!â â â â â â â â â â đâ â â
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the self growth nerds podcast. I'm your host Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since through hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm doing really good. 1 week ago, I hosted my first ever in person retreat, and it was one of the most fulfilling things I've ever done in my life. I'm still feeling rejuvenated from the experience.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:00]:
First of all, the place was magical. It looked better than it did in the pictures. It was a super modern house with lots of windows in the forest that felt like you were outdoors when you were actually indoors. It was beautiful. And, the the people, of course, the people were the best. Everyone was there ready to be vulnerable, to to laugh. There was lots of inside jokes, but there was so much introspection. There was so many ideas that we brainstormed together, and there was so many moments of beautiful breakthroughs of people reconnecting to themselves, to their true self and being honest about what's been missing in their lives and what their heart is calling them towards.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:59]:
So what we did, they arrived on the first evening and we had a heart to heart conversation about what their intentions were, if they had any fears. And then it truly started the next day. The next day we had a a first workshop to talk about where they're at right now in their life, their their current state, and what's not working for them. We really wanted them to understand the issues that they were facing deeply. And then in the afternoon we had an another workshop where we talked about where they want to be, what lights them up, what's important to them, the vision for the life they would love to create, and the way to get there, the all the the possible paths that they could take. This, of course, was a lot to process. So we all went for a hike, so we could get out of our heads and into our bodies. Then in the evening, we drove to the nearby village for dinner.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:06]:
And when we got home, we were supposed to have some more s'mores around the campfire like we did on the 1st night, but everyone was so exhausted that we went to bed. The next day after enjoying our delicious breakfast and coffee, we had a decision making workshop so that they could get out of analysis paralysis and make a powerful commitment to what they want to do next. It was one of my favorite moments of the whole weekend, Seeing them step into the truth of what they really desire, you could see their energy completely changing. Like, they were sparkling. One of them actually said, I can feel light coming out of my head. And I personally, I felt like this, the the smiling emoji that's melting. I was sitting on the floor and watching them made me feel so happy that I just wanted to cry of joy and melt into a little puddle. That's the only way I could explain it.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:18]:
Then after lunch, by the way, my partner was there to help. He cooked the lunches and made the campfires. He was the, he said he was like the people at the spa that are in the background making sure your experience is really comfortable, And he was great in that role. So, yeah, after lunch, of course, when you commit to something big, the fears are gonna come to the surface. So we had the workshop to bring in some inner harmony. I coached everyone on what they were afraid of and on potential obstacles that they foresaw. The the goal was to make them feel like, yeah, this is possible. I've got this.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:07]:
I'm capable. And we ended the afternoon with Rachel giving a planning workshop. So everyone was on this huge table with big posters that we had got for them and a bunch of post its making a plan for the next few months to make sure that they make progress towards their goals. Everyone was so focused and excited and then we ended that evening with one last dinner together at the local microbrewery, then came back for some s'mores before going to bed. And the next morning, it was already time to pack up, give each other hugs, and go home. This was 4 days, but it felt like a whole week. I felt like time stopped, and I was so deep into it with every one of them, we were like in a in a magical bubble. So this, this energy is still inside of me.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:09]:
And, yeah, it's it's warm, it's fuzzy. It makes me love my work even more to work with people in person and see the shift in their energy when they decide to choose themselves and go all in on what lights them up instead of just trying to fit into the mold of other people's expectations. There is nothing I would rather do. It feels so meaningful to me. I now know that I'm for sure going to host retreats again in the future, but in the meantime I want to share with you what I think was one of the most impactful teachings of the weekend in the hopes that it can help you as much as it helped the participants. Alright, so one of the questions that we ask ourselves when we're feeling unsatisfied and we need a change is what should I do? What should I do next? And we try to look for an answer. But this is the wrong question. Instead, what I want to suggest you ask yourself is, what do I want to do? Not what should I do? What do I want to do deep down in my heart? And you might be tempted to, to, to say, I don't know.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:35]:
I just don't know. Just hang out with the question. What do I really want? Most often people will answer I don't know at first, but that's just because they're scared. Confusion is a fancy form of fear. I always say that. When we ask ourselves what do I want, chances are that pieces of an answer will want to rise to the surface, but many people will push it down, kind of like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. It takes a lot of energy. It wants to come out, but you push it down because you're afraid of the splashes.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:15]:
You're afraid of the potential consequences. The reason for this is that what you want represents what is aligned with your soul, your truth. But truth is often inconvenient. It often goes against the social current. Whereas should, what you should do represents what's socially acceptable, what makes sense, what aligns with the decisions you've made in the past, what aligns with the way that you see yourself, and what aligns with the way other people see you and what they expect of you. When you do what you think you should do, you make sure that you don't lose external safety. This includes acceptance from the tribe, it includes material possessions, status, anything that's external that makes you feel secure. Sure, you might feel disconnected from your true self, but at least your external environment is intact.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:28]:
Let me give you some examples. You have a prestigious job that pays you well and it makes you feel kind of dead inside, but you keep doing it because it allows you to be highly regarded by your peers and live in a big fancy house. Or you've been in a unfulfilling marriage for years. You think that maybe you're gay but you're not gonna get a divorce because you grew up religious and you're in a religious community today and you know that your peers would probably judge you if you left your husband. As animals we are wired to seek the safety of the tribe because back in the days if we were not accepted, we were kicked out, we would die alone in the wilderness. And today, we all have a tribe that we kinda wanna fit into. It might be the industry you work in, religion, the culture of your country, academia, the community of artists that you're in. Even thrillhikers.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:41]:
I know I wanted to fit into that community. And when I wanted to transition into personal growth and train as a coach, I knew it was going to be looked down upon by many thrillhikers. And the numbers showed I was right. That was part of why the decision was difficult to make, because even though I was doing what I wanted to do, following my heart, I knew it was going to come with some rejection. And there's not just one group of people that you're trying to fit into, there's multiple. If you're a Chinese person studying at a Ivy League college for example, you're trying to fit in with your Chinese culture while also trying to fit into academia. That's just one example out of many. Now because we are wired to seek that external safety, we learn very early on who we need to be, what we need to do, how we need to behave to be accepted by these modern versions of the tribe.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:53]:
This is how our self-concept is created, how we think of ourselves. And today I want you to reflect on the ways in which the self-concept you have built limits you. It has served you in your life. For sure, it's been super useful, but now it might be getting in the way of living a truly fulfilling life that feels like home. So think about what you were rewarded for, what you were punished for. Think about the last thing you want people to think of you. This is going to give you information about your self-concept. For example, let's say you were always rewarded for being such a nice girl.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:44]:
You have learned unconsciously that in order to be accepted, in order to be loved, you need to be nice no matter how you feel. You need to say yes and be polite, even if what you wanna say is no, I'm not interested. Let's say you were always punished for taking too much space in your home. You have learned, okay, I will be accepted if I am quiet, if I make myself small. This has become part of your self-concept. And your self-concept is kind of like a pool. You are swimming inside the 4 walls of a pool and it feels safe, but eventually you've seen it all and you are hungry for more. There's the ocean next to the pool with limitless possibilities, but the ocean is dangerous while the pool is safe.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:44]:
So often what I see is we only allow ourselves to consider options within the pool of our self-concept. And we're gonna try to ignore when our intuition offers ideas that are in the ocean. Let's say you've always been an A plus student, you've been rewarded for your amazing grades your whole life, you're a high achiever, now you have a very impressive job, and you're feeling called to try something new, maybe it's drawing, maybe it's pottery, but you don't because you know you probably would kinda suck at it at the beginning and it makes you really uncomfortable, this idea of not being competent at something because it's way too far outside your self-concept and how you have learned to think of yourself. Another example might be you are an engineer, you've studied for many years, you might even be the the provider of your family today, and you are feeling called to change career and go into social work. But you dismiss this intuitive nudge because the last thing you want is to lose the status that comes with your job as well as the high income. You might be so much more fulfilled in the social field, but it's way too far outside your self-concept. It's over there in the dangerous ocean. It might make you feel more alive, but it comes with risk.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:25]:
Instead of developing the courage or the internal safety needed to navigate the ocean, what many people will do is just improve their pool experience. They're gonna get a pina colada, they're going to buy like a floating flamingo, maybe add a little waterfall, and this is the equivalent of like decorating your office instead of leaving your job. It's the equivalent of drinking wine every night to make it bearable to stay in your marriage. Improving your pool experience is getting a sports car when what you actually want is to have a career in which you make a real impact. It's organizing a trip you don't really care about when what you actually want is to move abroad. After one of the women at the retreat had spoken up honestly about what she really wants to do, which is a big and scary move, she said I I realized that for years I've just been rearranging the deck chairs around the pool, trying to improve my life in small ways but actually being in denial about my truth because it's terrifying. The good news here is that it's my job to teach you how to surf the big waves. You can learn how to work with your fears instead of trying everything that scares you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:03]:
That's the work I do with my clients so that they can be free to go after what they really want in their heart instead of keep swimming in circles inside the pool and feel miserable. Because that's what happens when you only allow yourself to consider the options within your self-concept. You end up feeling bored at best and depressed at worst. So if this speaks to you, I want you to start considering the ways in which your self-concept might be limiting you. What is your pool? What is the tribe you're trying to fit in and the possibilities you don't allow yourself to dream about because of this. Create like a sacred space within your imagination where everything is possible, where all the possibilities are a maybe I could. It's scary, but maybe I could just plant the seed of possibility and slowly but surely water it. You don't need to tell anyone.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:15]:
You can keep it a secret between you and you or between you and your journal. And if you need help, if you want support in this process that I know is scary, get in touch. Book a call with me. Go to self growth nerds.com and book a free discovery call to talk about what it's like working together, see if it it's a good fit for you, and make a decision about what you wanna do next from there. Okay. I hope today was helpful in helping you think about the ways your conditioned self might be getting in the way of your true self really coming out and guiding you in your decisions and in the creation of a life that you love. Big hug to you and I will talk to you next week. Bye.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:18]:
Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the self growth nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, you have to check out how we can work together on selfgrowthnerds.com or message me on Instagram at selfgrowthnerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now and I cannot wait to meet you.