Episode 121 - Coming Out
I always kind of knew I might be queer, but I was in one heterosexual relationship after another and felt like I needed to have actual experiences to confirm my inner knowing. Now that I did, I choose to be open about this part of myself… and it feels wonderful.
Topics
Embracing oneself and ethical non-monogamy.
Sexual identity and joy.
Obeying your curiosity and following the threads that come from inside your body.
Discovering parts of yourself that were asleep through curiosity.
Reclaiming pleasure as a political act of liberation.
Links
Join The Courage to Start New, my 8-week journey to step into your next chapter.
Book a free discovery call with Marie, to explore how you can work together to reach your goals.
Resources
Movie: Girl (2018) trailer
Book: Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good, by Adrienne Maree Brown
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host Marie, a courage coach, creative soul and adventure seeker. Since through hiking the Pacific Crestrail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:38]:
Hello nerds! How are you? I'm so good and I don't think I've been this good in a long time. Today is gonna be a freestyle episode because I'm just too happy to sit down and gather my thoughts into a coherent episode. So it's just gonna be me sharing my heart with you 1 more time okay and I'm just on the end of a cold so if my voice sounds different it's because I've been blowing my nose non-stop for the last few days and there are kleenexes all around me right now. Today I just want to tell you that I'm queer, more specifically bisexual, or pansexual, which is a word I learned that I didn't know existed and I kind of always knew, suspected this but since I was in heterosexual relationships I didn't feel legit. I felt like I needed to have actual experiences in order to be able to confirm with myself and in order to be able to say it publicly. So yeah now I can say it publicly. And I wish I could tell all of you who are in a similar situation, who are in a straight relationship that feel similarly to just own who you are. But I was told that back in the days and I didn't believe it. I just, I was like no, but I need to have actual experiences. So I'm telling you now that you can own it, but I understand also if you're like, actually I won't 100% believe it until you know I've been there. So how do I feel? I feel like a deep joy that keeps bringing me to tears. You know, the emoji with the little smile and the teary eyes, that's me. And I've also noticed that while I usually just listen to podcasts all the time, I have not in a little while and my theory here is, so podcasts are in the mind right? You're in your head learning but I've gone down inside my body for like the first time in a long time and I've just been listening to music and dancing everywhere I go. I just put my airpods in and I have my summer 2023 playlist
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:29]:
and I'm just walking down the sidewalk dancing like not caring what other people think or sometimes I look at people and I I'm like hoping that they smile and hoping that I brighten their day
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:41]:
and hoping that I like give them permission to also be a little bit weird I feel like I'm in like a musical. I'm living my life like a musical. I was like cooking dinner yesterday with, in my underwear with music on and having so much fun. Just being present instead of being up in my head. So my friends know, my closest friends know. I haven't told my parents. I'm gonna tell them this weekend. And this podcast is coming out on the Monday. So this podcast is kind of like a way to keep me accountable because my parents are coming over to leave their cat here and sleep before they go to the airport. So that's my plan and if I don't end up telling them I can always remove this podcast but if you're hearing this then it means I did. You know I probably will, I'm courageous and I'll tell you I'll report back as to how they responded but I'm feeling pretty confident that they're gonna be open-minded. Now the other thing I've been exploring is ethical non-monogamy. I won't tell you much about that for now. I'm at the very beginning of my explorations. But what I can say is that the people that I've met are some of the most fascinating ones. I've had such deep conversations right away, like no small talk, people are super open-minded, curious, they have clear communication, they go straight to the point, They know how to speak their desires honestly with no shame and that is beautiful to me. Beautiful. And it's a caliber of people that's completely different to those that I dated the last time that I was single. It's like, you can't compare. And I'm not saying like good versus bad, I'm just saying it's completely different and so much more in alignment with the person that I am today, which is someone who wants to be surrounded by people who have done the work, are doing the work to heal themselves. People who are comfortable challenging the norms, or if they're not comfortable, they're comfortable with the discomfort of challenging conventions. I was laughing with some of the people that I met about what we see on the regular apps like straight men looking for straight women and my theory is that when they say I'm an easygoing guy it means I haven't done any introspection and I'm not willing to.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:44]:
And you know I don't hold the truth, I may be wrong but but I think I'm on to something. Anyway I I want to tell you to be careful what you wish for
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:57]:
because at the start of the year I remember like telling myself I want 2023 to be the best year of my life so far. And the quote-unquote best year of my life so far, it's not going as planned at all. As you know I was like in my mind going to promote my coaching program all year, prepare to have babies with my partner and I feel like I made this wish, sent it out into the universe and the universe was like oh yeah oh yeah you want the best year of your life? Then some changes are going to need to happen. Here they are and they're going to need to happen now. You have no other choice. And I think my wish is coming true. I think this is probably gonna be 1 of the best summers of my life. All the way up there with the Pacific Crest Trail, obviously. Now because I don't want to make this episode all about me, I love to have the attention, but I also want to help you guys. 1 piece of advice I have is to obey your curiosity. Often we hear like follow your heart, follow your curiosity But I'm gonna go further than that and say obey and what I mean by that is whenever you have an idea That's coming to you. That's coming from like inside your body versus from inside the mind You've got to pursue that thread To like pull on that thread and see where it leads you. Stop believing the story of your mind because when you start following that thread of curiosity your mind's gonna go whoa whoa whoa don't go there dangerous It's gonna ring the alarm. It's gonna tell you why, 13 reasons why you shouldn't do X, Y, and Z. And you've got to have the strength and the self-trust to say, ch, ch, to shush your mind. You know, unless you're about to do something dangerous or harmful, obviously. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the nudges that you receive from a force that's like bigger than yourself that you can't explain in words. My separation kind of happened like that. It was a force bigger than myself that took the wheel. And then the series of events that happened afterwards to get me to where I am today, to own my desires and my sexuality more fully, was all a series of actions that I took that were not part of a plan. They were not part of a plan, they were just me like on a Tuesday morning feeling like oh let me sign up to this app. It's an app for open-minded folks who want to explore relationships outside of the norm I guess I would say it like this. Let me sign up for this app, let me let me actually read this book, let me and then you you follow these actions which lead to other actions and you unfold and you discover parts of you that were asleep. So you've got to obey your curiosity and you'll be surprised at all the synchronicities that happen without you making any effort, at all the good that's going to come your way without you chasing for the good. Do you see what I mean? Try it. Wake yourself up in the morning and ask yourself okay where is the joy today? Where's the curiosity? Where is curiosity taking me today? And feel inside your body what's coming up. And you're gonna need to be aware throughout the day. What are your impulses? What do you feel pulled towards that you resist? And what if you allowed yourself to go there instead of resisting? Okay, So that's what I have for you today. Happy Pride! Pride just started and me coming out has nothing to do
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:23]:
with that but it's a funny timing so happy Pride! And I just want to say that I recognize my privilege. It is so easy to be queer as a white woman
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:35]:
in the Western world and I know it's not the case for so many. Speaking of which I want to make 2 really good recommendations, a movie and a book that are helpful in gaining knowledge about and awareness for people who don't have as much privilege. So the movie is Girl, it's from Belgium and it's about a trans teenage girl who is in a ballet school. It is very hard to watch but should be essential to watch for everyone to understand the reality of what it's like to be trans. She lives with her little brother and her dad, single dad, who's extraordinary. The love in that family is beautiful. But we get a sense of how she's feeling, what it's like for her to be inside this body, to be with other teenagers who don't understand. And so it's on Netflix, Everyone go watch it. Find a friend who has Netflix if you don't watch it together. So you can, you know, be together throughout the tough moments. And my book recommendation, you all know I love a good book rec by the way always Message me on Instagram if you have a book you want to recommend to me that you think I would like so this book is pleasure activism The politics of feeling good by Adrienne Maree Brown who is black and queer It's a gathering of texts that she wrote and texts from other people all about reclaiming your pleasure as an act, a political act of liberation. There is a quote I really love in 1 of the first texts which is written by, or was written by, Audre Lorde in 1978 called Uses of the Erotic and it goes like this, It is never easy to demand the most from ourselves, from our lives, from our work. To encourage excellence is to go beyond the encouraged mediocrity of our society. But giving in to the fear of feeling and working to capacity is a luxury only the unintentional can afford. And the unintentional are those who do not wish to guide their own destinies. Now, it's okay if you didn't get it the first time. I had to reread that paragraph a few times, so just rewind if you didn't get it and listen carefully until you do. And the last 2 quotes I want to share are at the very end of the book in the last 2 pages written by the author herself and it goes like this. I had to learn how to say what I want in clear words and contend with the answers to my real longings instead of swallowing bitterness about unmet and unspoken wishes. Each day I am more and more a real person. It turns out this is the only way to move through these years that my projected quote unquote perfect selves which I created to impress others or protect my heart simply cannot handle. And she ends with this, pleasure is the point. Feeling good is not frivolous, it is freedom. We can gift it to each other in a million ways, with authentic presence, abundant care and honesty, with boundaries that keep us from overextending, with slower kisses, with foot massages in the evening, with baby hugs and elder hugs, with delicious food, with supported solitude and listening to our bodies, our shameless desire and coordinated longing. Find the pleasure path for your life and follow it. Let it reverberate healing back into your ancestors wounds. Let it open you up and remind you that you are already whole. Let it shape a future where feeling good is the normal primary experience of all beings. That was Adrienne Maree Brown. It's a beautiful book. I recommend it to you all and I will finish this episode with saying thank you for listening and if you want to join the courage to start new We are having our first live call tomorrow. So we spent all of last week introducing each other, meeting the other members in the group. There's some amazing, amazing people in there, very open and vulnerable. And our first live call is tomorrow, Tuesday, June 6th. So if you wanna join, it's not too late, you're right in time. And we're going to work on creating a life in which you feel good because life is too short for you to live out of alignment. I know what that's like to live like you're 50% of who you're meant to be. Okay we want to turn up the volume, want you to live out loud, not try to fit in a mold that's making you feel just fine. Fine is crap. Okay, I want you to feel fabulous. So if you've been hesitating, now's the time. Go to selfgrownnerds.com slash courage and get in there. All right, that's it for me today. I'm sending you a big virtual hug and I hope it's sunny where you are right now. Have a beautiful week, bye.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:34]:
If you love what you're hearing on the Self-Growth Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, you have to check out how we can work together on selfgrowthnerds.com or message me on Instagram at self growth nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now and I cannot wait to meet you.