Episode 122 - 5 Steps to Feeling Deep Joy
Recently I’ve been feeling so happy and like so much goodness is coming my way. I decided to document the key steps that led me here in this episode, so you could step on this journey with me.
Topics
Finding Joy and understanding how that feels to you.
The importance of self-validating your desires.
Working through any shame associated with your desires.
How limiting beliefs might be holding you back from feeling in alignment.
Practicing receiving the good that comes your way.
Links
Book a free discovery call with Marie, to explore how you can work together to reach your goals.
Resources
Books:
Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good, by Adrienne Maree Brown
The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:04]:
Hey, welcome to the self growth nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since through hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams, too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, Nerds. How are you? I'm really good. If you listened to last week's episode about coming out, you know that I came out last weekend to my parents about being bi, and I just want to let you know it went really well. They had some questions, but all in all, they seemed to think it didn't make much of a difference.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:03]:
And then we just jumped to the next topic of conversation. So I think that's how it should be. And I'm sending a big hug to everyone who didn't get the same kind of reaction when they came out, which I know is way too many people, unfortunately. Okay, so today we are talking about the five steps to feeling deep joy. And the reason for that is I was telling my friend Alison recently how I felt like so many good things are coming my way these days. I feel so joyful, and it feels like effortless. And my my heart is just throbbing with disbelief at how good I've been feeling. It's like a train is, like, heading full speed in my direction with good things.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:00]:
And she said to me, actually, you should sit down and think about how you got there, like, what's the work that you did to feel this way. And so I had to think about it and came up with these five steps. Now, I'm going to share the steps in order, but they're more of like a never ending cycle rather than in line. But for the purpose of this episode, I'm going to share them one after the other. So I'm just going to tell you the five steps now, and then we're going to dig into them more deeply. Step one is to get clear on what you really, really want deep down in your heart. Step two is to do the work to free yourself from the shame you have developed growing up around those desires. Step three is to get rid of everything in your life that's not aligned with what you want.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:58]:
Step four is to do things you love so you get yourself in a high level of openness and joy. And then from there is step five, where you will attract all the good stuff coming your way, and you've got to practice receiving it without pushing it away. Okay, these are the five steps, and I talk about them as if, like, they're simple. Just do that, just do that this weekend. And I know easy to say, hard to do. Of course, that's the work I do with my clients, sometimes it takes them a few months, and sometimes it takes them a year and a half. We're not all starting from the same spot, and we're not all moving in the same pace. And we always get to a place where this work.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:51]:
We need to start the work again because we got to a new level of expansion. It is normal to feel lost in this work, especially if you're doing it alone. So please get some help. If you feel called to working with me, just book a free one on one call where we're going to talk about what this might look like for your unique situation and see if we're a good fit to work together in an intimate coaching container for a longer period of time. Okay, so that's selfgrowdenarns.com coaching. You'll be able to have access to my calendar and book a call from there. Now let's jump in. Step one get clear on what you want deep down.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:39]:
So the key here is to practice differentiating between what you've been taught to want versus what you actually want. What makes sense for someone like you versus what you feel called to on a soul level, no matter how much sense or not it makes. Now, your soul knows no limits, so you got to allow yourself to dream big here. Do you want a Jetset life in a penthouse in Manhattan? Do you want to live on a sailboat and unschool your kids? Do you want to live in a commune with a lot of cows? Do you want to be famous and become friends with Meryl Streep? I don't know. What do you see when you close your eyes and you suspend self judgment? This is really important. Sometimes you're not going to know the specifics. That doesn't matter because the specifics are not all that important. They're just a representation of what's hiding underneath a concrete image, the deep essence of what you want.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:52]:
You just need to access the feelings. So if it helps, you can try and describe the life you want as an atmosphere. Sometimes you'll read a sentence in a book that speaks to your soul. Save it somewhere. There might be people around you or on the Internet that just make your heart sore. Write their names in a notebook. Maybe it's a song that represents how you want to feel about yourself. If the life you want was a fruit, what kind of fruit would it be? For me it would be a lemon, because a lemon is yellow and bright.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:32]:
It makes all recipes better when you put some lemon in them. But also there's like this sour taste that, to me, represents discomfort. Like, you've got to be uncomfortable in order to grow. Maybe you can ask yourself, like, if it was a cake, if you went to the Cheesecake Factory and you had to pick a cake that represents what you want, what would it be? I think the the life I want is a water park. I want it to feel like a water park, colorful, playful, with lots of different possibilities. So what is it for you in terms of music? I want a life that feels like the whole Juno soundtrack or the song Home by Edward Sharp at the Magnetic Zeros. I want a life that feels like the Perks of Being a Wallflower the book by Stefan Kaufman. I want a life that feels like the movie Beginners by Mike Mills.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:33]:
And you can go on and on like this to capture the essence of what you want to create. You're going to have a much easier time to create that if you can, if you know how it feels in the depth of your being. Okay, have fun. We're not in a rush to get to the next step. Step two, and I think step one and two are kind of like back and forth. Step two is do the work to free yourself from the shame you have around those desires. So the clearer you get about what you want, the more likely resistance is to show up, because you're considering the unknown. And the unknown feels like death to our systems, feels like danger.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:21]:
Feels like leaving the cave and being threatened by wild animals and dangerous weather. So your brain will come up with a bunch of thoughts to sabotage your pursuit. I'm going to give you a bunch of examples, okay? Let's say you tell me you dream of living on a giant piece of land with your friends and the cows, the aforementioned cows. Then your brain might say, well, this is unrealistic. And plus the economy is fucked right now, and you have no money in your account. So what are you thinking? You've got to notice thoughts like this. Maybe you want to be on TV and your brain tells you, oh, you're so shallow. That is shame, my friend.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:07]:
Maybe you want a deep connection with a lover and you've got this judgmental part of you that says you're so idealistic. How cutesy. Maybe you want to change career. And your brain says, you're making your life complicated. Why can't you be content? You're always so dissatisfied. Maybe you want to be a writer. And then your brain says, this is too hard. Plus, you never write.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:40]:
Real writers, they write since they were, like, five years old. So you're not a real writer. One last example. Let's say you want to go into politics and you want to have a massive impact. I don't know. Maybe you want to be the first female prime minister or non binary prime minister. And your brain goes, who are you to want this? This is never going to happen. Not very humble of you either to think about, is it? I don't know.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:09]:
I don't know what's your own unique flavor of negative self talk, but step two is about reducing this internal fight. You got to rebel against the inner asshole. You got to go along with yourself instead of against yourself. You got to be your own best friend and be like, all of you matters. All of your desires are important, and it doesn't mean we're going to do everything we want to do. It means we're going to listen and see ourselves for everything that we want and everything that we dream about. I want to give you a book recommendation. I haven't read the book yet, but I heard it's very good.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:00]:
It's called no bad parts. It's by the inventor of internal family systems, which is a type of therapy created by Richard Schwartz. And the concept, basically is that all of you belongs right. Even the parts you don't like, they are important. They have something to say. They deserve to be heard and taken care of. That's the work here in step two. Okay? And I want to tell you a quick anecdote.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:35]:
In the week leading up to my breakup, I went to see one of my closest friends, and I was telling her that one thing that was missing in my relationship was all the emotional connection. And it's something that's not tangible or didn't seem tangible to me, and so it didn't seem legitimate. But my friend said something that changed my perspective completely. She said, Marie, the emotional sphere is an important part of who you are, and it's okay to want to be with someone who aligns with that. And I was floored. I had not given myself that validation. And the fact that she did meant everything. So what's a validation that you're not giving yourself? I want you to give it to yourself, because you might not have that friend who's going to tell you exactly what you need to hear, like she did with me.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:55]:
That part of you that you're like, no, I shouldn't be this way. I shouldn't be so needy. Stop telling yourself that you deserve to surround yourself with people who can help you meet your needs. Another example that comes to mind is when I was on the Pacific Crestrel with my friend Anna. I was like, being myself in a moment that's talking and taking up space. And Anna in that moment, said something like, oh, Poppins, you're so precious. And it made me feel like, oh, this part of me that I often judge as obnoxious is actually lovable. And the shame around that perceived obstructiousness oh, my God, what is that word? The shame around that part of me dissolved.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:56]:
Not completely. There's still remnants, but a big part of it disappeared. Now, I've given you two examples where it was other people that helped free me from the shame, but we also want to practice being that person to ourselves. I do it all the time, telling myself, this is okay. This is okay. All of you belongs. We want to be like when a part of us speaks up, says, like, I want to be on TV. We want to be like, oh, my God, tell me more.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:30]:
Why are you into this? Instead of being judgmental towards ourselves? It's like it reminds me of the book I'm reading right now called Something Wild and Wonderful. It's a gay romance on the Pacific Crest Trail. Go get it right now. Like, pause this podcast and go get the book right now. It's so good. One of the two main characters, Alexey, is a nerd, complete bird nerd. And Ben, the other guy he's hiking with, doesn't really care about birds, but he's like, tell me about them. Tell me everything you know about birds.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:08]:
And then he tells them also, like, tell me everything about your favorite Sci-Fi book or fantasy book. Tell me everything. That's the attitude we want to have with ourselves, like, loving curiosity until we actually feel, like, at home with ourselves, until we actually feel like, oh, I'm a pretty cool person. You know, when when you're with a friend, like this character who's like, tell me everything, and they're genuinely interested, they're not interested in the birds or the fantasy novel. They're interested in seeing you light up. You know how you feel when that happens. You feel like you see yourself in their eyes, and you feel, actually, maybe they are right. Maybe I am deserving of attention and curiosity because, yes, you are.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:06]:
Now you want to practice making yourself feel this way, making yourself feel special just for being you, making yourself feel like everything you want is legitimate. And yes, you can do part of this work on your own. But it also really helps to be surrounded with people who agree with people who think you're precious and wonderful and fascinating. So if that's not who you're surrounded with, there's some changes that I suggest you do. Okay, there's this, the book I was telling you about, pleasure activism. She says, don't sleep with anyone who doesn't worship your body. People that you are going to be intimate with should see you as a freaking god or goddess. They should see the parts of you that you're ashamed of and be like, I love you with all of your parts.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:09]:
I think you're beautiful. That is not the kind of experiences that most of us have had. And so it's normal that our shame has gotten bigger and heavier, but we have to be at peace with being alone, because the only reason why we open ourselves up to people who don't see us for the beauty that we are is because we're scared of being alone. Because if we weren't, we wouldn't settle for people who don't welcome us as we are. Okay, step three, get rid of everything that's not aligned with what you want. And that can be material, but that can also be mental. It's especially mental. What I mean by that is that sometimes it's the job you're going to quit or the partner you're going to leave.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:07]:
But more often than not, it's how you think about the job or the partner or yourself in relationship with them that we want to get rid of. The reason I say this is I don't want you to just leave everything behind and then realize in the next job or in the next relationship that you have all the same problems. So you first have to gain awareness of what's going on in you when you're in certain situations to make sure you're in integrity before making decisions. I always say if you're trying to rush if you're in a rush to quit your job or to break up with your partner, then there is a feeling you're avoiding probably, and work that you need to do. I'm going to give you two examples. So let's say you're in a relationship and you say, oh, my partner wants to spend too much time with me. I feel suffocated. Well, what I would ask you here is have you set boundaries or have you been people pleasing and expecting them to read your mind? Another example would be at work.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:24]:
Maybe you think, oh, my boss always gives me the most boring tasks to do. The question I would ask here is have you spoken up about what you love to do? Or again, are you expecting them to read your mind? Have you shown up for yourself? Because if you haven't, then you're going to change jobs and that challenge is going to come back around. What comes around goes around, like Justin Timberlake says. So you got to take full responsibility for how you contribute to your misalignment, first and foremost, before you start changing your environment, so that when you leave a place or a person, you do so from a place of self awareness and self love, not from a place of recklessness and running away. You might end up realizing that you actually don't need to leave your job or leave your partner in order to feel in alignment. You might just need to drop your limiting beliefs around them. Like for example, it's not safe to set boundaries. It's not safe to speak up about what I really want to do.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:43]:
If you can rewire your brain around these beliefs, you might create completely different realities in your relationship and in your work without having to actually change your environment. I've had clients feel completely different about their job in a matter of a few weeks because they untangled some of the beliefs they had that were making their experience heavy. I've also had clients who were mind blown by what happened when they started feeling safe enough to speak up at work about their ideas. They were surprised at how their colleagues and managers started trusting them more and giving them more stimulating projects. Another example that comes to mind is a client that started putting their foot down about the four day work week that they wanted and not answering emails and phone calls outside of those times. And how the level of respect they received from their colleagues was so much more than they thought it would. They thought they would get negative reaction where actually people became much more considerate. You've got to show people how you want to be treated by treating yourself this way first and foremost instead of expecting them to guess, okay, now I want to make a disclaimer about this step.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:14]:
Getting rid of everything that's not aligned. You might end up with a lot of emptiness in your life, a lot of empty space. That's okay because we're making room for the new, better, truer stuff to come in. Now, will you be able to sit in that stillness? Is a very important question because the stillness is going to feel awful. The uncertainty, the absence is hard to be with. It makes you think like, well, who am I? What's my identity now? Where am I going? What am I doing? Panic. You have to be able to sit with the nothingness and the I don't know yet. It's like when you put your phone in another room and you have an urge to go grab it to fill the void.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:16]:
It's the same kind of sensation, but it's just a sensation that you have to be able to move through to get comfortable with. Can ask yourself, what does it feel like? What does it feel like to be with the void? For me, it's kind of like a dog shaking its leg. Like I'm just feeling restless. And practice being with that restlessness. Like you don't have to numb it. You don't have to go get another partner quickly to numb the restlessness. Or you don't have to spend all your free time with friends and maybe even friends you don't like that much just because you don't want to sit alone at home. Got to practice being with the restlessness and being like, it's okay, this is safe.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:11]:
You don't need to run away from this. This is the human experience. How does it feel? What's it like in your body? See that it doesn't kill you. Okay, now step four is do things you love so you get to a high level of openness and joy. Now, this is going to sound woo woo. It is. This is kind of like raising your vibrations. You have to raise your vibrations because from there is where you're going to attract the stuff that you want, the high level goodness that you want.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:49]:
And in order to do that, you've got to follow where the joy is. Whenever it's possible. Approach life like a kid with playfulness and wonder. Not hold on to a strict plan, just trying things out because you're curious. Throwing spaghettis at the wall. Not take life so seriously. So when you've got all this empty space, after you've gotten rid of a bunch of stuff, fill it with stuff that makes you smile, that makes you dance like Taylor Swift, Harry Styles. I've made this playlist for the summer.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:28]:
It just makes me dense everywhere. Dancing in your underwear while you cook dinner. I signed up to spinning classes. I go kayaking. I drink my cheap white wine while I read my romance books. I go on a solo ice cream date. Whatever it is that's going to make you feel joyful is what you have to prioritize as often as you can. I've been telling myself like, oh God, I love this life.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:00]:
I love my friends so much. Oh, she is so smart. They are so funny. I love Montreal. I love where I live. This is what Abram Hicks calls a rampage of appreciation. It's when you go on and on about how much you love this stuff in your life. And not from a place of like fake gratefulness, from a deep state of bliss.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:23]:
And if you can only touch this space for 2 seconds when you go on an evening walk and then there's beautiful stars in the sky, that's fine. If it's just 2 seconds, it's better than zero. And the more time you can spend in that state of bliss, the better. Try to make it grow from the outside, from the inside, from 2 seconds to 3 seconds to three minutes. Just practice being there. Not only because it feels damn good, but because when you're there, you're also going to multiply that state by attracting more of the goodness. And if you're like, Marie, this sounds weird right now. I don't really get it.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:07]:
That's okay. That's okay. Just take it in and trust me that you're going to get there. And when you feel it, try to hold on to it. Gently. Hang out in that space while you can. Okay, now let's move on to the last step. Step five.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:28]:
From there, you're going to watch the good stuff come your way. And you have to practice receiving without pushing it away. Because let me tell you when you might meet exactly the person you wanted to meet. You might make lots of money suddenly. You might be offered like a promotion you didn't expect. You might receive an offer you've always wanted. Or you might just keep feeling good one day after another. You might have a libido that's higher than it's ever been before.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:28:03]:
And you know what's going to happen. You might get suspicious. You might be like, what the F is this? It's too good to be true. Kind of like when I visited this town in Belgium called Ghent, everyone was so kind. It was kind of eerie. I was like, what kind of cocktail are they on? It's not normal. So you might wonder, why is this easy? I've had clients start getting traction in their work or change to go to a new career, and they're like, oh my God, this is easy. I'm really good at it.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:28:43]:
And there's no effort to be made. Am I delusional? I probably shouldn't get my hopes up. This is what Brene Brown calls foreboding joy. This is when you have, like, a fun time with someone that you really love, and then suddenly you feel like a pang of love for them. And you're like, I love them so much. And then in the next second you're like, oh, shit, one day they're going to die. And so you try to go back to a normal, neutral place instead of feeling the strength of your love. Don't do that.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:29:18]:
Don't do that. I know it's hard, but let's try to just feel the love, feel the joy. It's safe to feel the joy. Yes. When you open yourself up to deep joy, you also open yourself up to deep sadness. But I'd rather live my life with big feelings than always be in the Neutral Zone. Okay, so this is what I was talking about in the episode about existential king. You got to expand your having this level.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:29:51]:
It's also what guy Hendrix talks about in The Big Leap. The book. I listened to the audiobook and I definitely recommend it. It talks about the upper limit problem. It's the same. It's the same. It's when you get to a place where you're like, oh, this is too good. I need to make myself small.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:30:10]:
I need to make my world tinier because this expansion feels dangerous. And I'm going to ask you now the same question I did in the last step. How does it feel in your body when you access this deep joy? I'm sure you've experienced it before. For me, it's like my heart squeezes and aches. My breathing stops. I feel like honey is moving through my veins. It's like this warmth and my eyes can get teary. We want to be like, it's okay, it's safe.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:30:53]:
It's safe to be here. We don't need to run away from this sensation. We deserve all the goodness coming our way. We can have it all. And you might notice your brain go like, oh, no. But there's so many unhappy people, miserable people in the world. I shouldn't feel happy. But you feeling happy is not taking anything away from them.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:16]:
And you not feeling your happiness is not giving them anything. Okay, so that's it for today. I'm going to repeat the steps one last time. So step one, get clear on what you really want deep down in your core. Step two, do the work to free yourself from the shame you have around those desires. Step three, get rid of everything that's not in alignment. Step four, do things you love. So you're at a high level of openness and joy.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:55]:
And then from there, you're going to attract good stuff. And step five is to practice receiving that good stuff without pushing it away. Okay? And as I said in the beginning, this is a whole process. It's easier said than done. And it's very, very helpful to be guided by someone through this. So go ahead and book a free one on one call with me to explore if we're a good fit and to explore what those steps might look like for you and how transformative this work could be in your life. In a matter of months, you could have a completely different life in which you feel so good so much of the time, like I was sharing in the beginning, like a train of goodness is coming your way. This is possible and you deserve it.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:32:49]:
And if you don't quite believe that you deserve it, I challenge you to at least book one call and come see for yourself. Okay, so go to selfgirlnerds.com coaching, and you'll have access to my calendar there. Otherwise, I will see you next week. Bye.
Hey, if you love what you're hearing on the self-growth Nerds podcast, and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, you have to check out how we can work together on selfgrowthnerds.com or message me on Instagram at self-growth nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.