Episode 142 - Are You Going in the Wrong Direction? - The Way of Integrity - Part 1
Join me for the kickoff of our series dissecting "The Way of Integrity" by Martha Beck. In this episode, I go through the symptoms you might be experiencing if you have strayed from your true path and provide actionable steps to reclaim control over your life's direction.
Topics
Recognizing When One is Out of Integrity.
Unconscious decision-making based on external factors
Examples of pursuing career paths or relationships not aligned with personal desires
Disconnect between true self and surface self.
Needing to hit a wall to understand a message from the universe.
Understanding Integrity as the Cure for Unhappiness
Links
📕 The Way of Integrity book
🎙️ The Bewildered podcast
🎙️ The Gathering Pod podcast
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019. I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello. Hello, nerds. How How are you? I am good.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:42]:
Today's episode is about one of my favorite books from the last few years called the way of integrity by Martha Beck. I have been told by some of you that you enjoyed the, episode where I, make a summary of the book, The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control. So in honor of my deep love for life changing books, here's another one of these. It's going to be a 3 part series because I highlighted, like, half of this book, so get ready. In this first part, we're gonna talk about how to notice when you're out of integrity, what the symptoms are, what are the forces that drive us off our path, and who are the, soul teachers that can help us get back into integrity. Then in the next few weeks, we're gonna talk about how to actually get back into integrity. Before we jump in, let me tell you a little bit about the author, Martha Beck. She's one of the human beings that makes me smile the most these days because I've been listening to her 2 podcasts called Bewildered and the gathering pod.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:58]:
So if you like what you're gonna hear in today's episode, go, listen to her. She's really funny and loving and playful. She is, an author, obviously, and also a life coach who never wanted to be a coach. That was never her goal. She actually started doing this before it even was a a popular term because she ended up having a bunch of people come to her for advice about their life trajectory. So she often talks about how that kind of landed in her lap, but it was not something she had calculated. She is also a lover to 2 people. She's in a throuple with Karen and Rowan.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:47]:
She's also a mom of 4 kids. She had 3 in her first marriage. 1 of them has Down syndrome, she talks a lot about him, and how he has helped her grow. And more recently, They, are raising a younger kid, her and her 2, lovers, who's about 3 or 4 years old. All of her other kids are grown. She's, I think, in her fifties. She grew up a Mormon, and leaving that faith was an important part of her journey. She also, was an academic for a long time.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:24]:
She has a PhD from Harvard. She talks a lot about dealing with chronic pain as well. So if these are things that you relate with, you might really enjoy her. I just love how she challenges all the societal norms with playfulness. She talks a lot about reclaiming your true nature instead of following what culture asks of you, and she does so with a lot of humor and, fun facts about animals. She's a big fan of all kinds of animals. Okay. So that was my little presentation.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:58]:
Now let's jump into The main topic, which is integrity. Integrity, according to Martha, is the cure for unhappiness, the number one cure, and I would agree. You know you are out of integrity when you're acting in ways that don't feel right to you at the deepest level, when you have abandoned your truth. Now the 1st stage of the book, there's 3 stages, is all about noticing where you are noticing that you might be on the wrong path, in the wrong life, or the way I used to view it is going down the wrong current, the wrong river. You feel like you're going down someone else's river that's not your own. We get there by doing what we're supposed to do, what makes the most sense, by taking the path of least cultural resistance, by doing what's going to be approved of. I'm gonna give you a few examples. So I went to study graphic design because I was good at art, because graphic design makes money, and it aligned well with the image that I liked to project.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:11]:
That last 1 was mostly unconscious. You might have decided to study engineering because you were good in math and science because that's what your dad did because it makes really good money and it sounds good to people. You might have decided to go out with your partner because they were interested. They're a good person. They look good, And you didn't have any reason not to, so you just went with the flow without tuning in with what you actually wanted. It just Made sense, and it was better to be with them than to be single. Martha in the book talks about how when she started studying at Harvard, She would act like the perfect intellectual atheist when she was at university and when she would go back to her family. In youth in Utah, she would then act like the perfect Mormon girl at home, and That ended up making her feel physically ill.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:12]:
She struggled to move. She struggled with an eating disorder. She had suicidal ideation. And that that's what happens. We do everything we need to be good people, but we end up not feeling good inside. And the more we keep going in that direction, the worst it gets. Let's look at the 6 symptoms that might tell you that you are out of integrity. The first one is easy.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:40]:
It's a feeling of purposelessness. Is that a word? It sounds weird. Purposelessness. Feeling like there's something missing, like what you're doing is pointless. Like, you just wake up and go to bed every day, but you don't see why and not much lights you up. As the first one. The second one is emotional misery. So what Martha calls your own unique brew of bad moods.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:09]:
And these bad moods, it might be frustration, numbness, sadness, grumpiness. Their job is to make your life unbearable until you get the message, until you understand that you are out of integrity and you start making moves to get back on your path. If you've listened to my episodes about breaking up, you know that I was in a relationship for 7 years and left, in the spring of 2023. And in the last year of my relationship, I had all kinds of mood swings that I blamed on my hormones. But funnily enough, as soon as I decided To leave, those symptoms went away. The the the mood swings went away. So was it my hormones, or was it the direction I was going in. Symptom number 3 is similar.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:06]:
It's physical deterioration. So, basically, getting physically ill because you're out of integrity. And I'm not saying, obviously, that all illness is due to that. I'm not wanting to be woo woo here, but there is a field of medicine called psychoneuroimmunology that focuses on how psychological stress Can lead to illness because of how it contributes to things like elevated heart rate and blood pressure, Increased stress hormones, reduced immune responses, and so much more. Symptom number 4 is consistent relationship failures. There's a a quote in the book that I really love. She writes, if you don't walk your true path, you don't find your true people. So that's not only when we talk about romantic relationship.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:55]:
Right? It's all relationships. If you're working in an industry that's not aligned with your values. You're gonna be surrounded with people who are not aligned with your values. If you're pretending to be someone that you're not, you're We're going to attract people who match the pretend version of you. If, for example, I don't own the fact that I freaking love personal growth, If I pretend that it's a little bit silly even or cheesy, I'm gonna end up attracting people who agree with that, and it's going to be an artificial connection. Whereas, if you speak up boldly about what you believe and what you care about, Yes. It's going to repel a lot of people. Like, when I started talking more about personal growth on Instagram, I lost a bunch of followers who wanted me to talk about hiking specifically.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:46]:
So, yes, I lost them, but it allowed other people who really care about this, you self growth nerds that I love so much to find me because I was louder about what truly lights me up. Okay? The 5th symptom is consistent career failures. So in the book, she gives the examples of people who might go into fields like engineering because they love to invent things or academia because they love to learn, But then they get promoted into manager positions, and they start sabotaging themselves because they hate it so much because it's going against their nature. It's going against the very reason why they went in that direction in the 1st place. And lastly, the 6th symptom is that you have bad habits you cannot break. You just want to numb the knowing that you're not in the right place, and very often, that's unconscious. You just can't stop doing things like smoking, Online shopping, taking drugs or drinking a lot, binge eating, more subtle ones are causing relationship drama, being unable to step away from your phone, from your work, any activity that you feel you have have no control over. There's a a test in the book that you can do to figure out just how out of integrity you are.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:17]:
Then the next step when you realize that you're misaligned is simply to tell yourself the truth. Without beating yourself up, without trying to be overly positive either, just neutral, saying, I'm not where I wanna be. I cannot find my people. I don't know what to do. I need help. Say what's going to sound true to your heart about your current situation. Now let's dig into the 2 forces that drive us off our path. Trauma and socialization.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:53]:
We're gonna talk more about socialization, but trauma is definitely, an important force. And it's not just the the horrible tragedies that you may have been through, but, also the the painful experiences from your past that you consciously or not want to avoid in the future so you change your behaviors accordingly. Silly example might be, you've been heartbroken in your love life, and so you decide you don't want to try again with a different partner. It is trauma that's going to change your behaviors moving forward and might drive you away from your truth. And the second 1 is socialization, what you have been taught to want in society. That's when you measure your well-being not based on how you feel inside, but how your life looks compared to others and what you have been taught has value. For example, if you've been taught by your parents or by advertising or romantic comedies that you should want to be with a typically successful good looking man. Well, it might create a lot of cognitive dissonance if you are drawn to a a woman or or a nonbinary person who works in the arts, for example.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:16]:
In contrast, your true nature loves what brings you genuine delight in the moment. This is what you yearn for when you're still, when you're quiet, when you're alone at night in your bed. Often it's very simple. Love, warmth, peace, connection. It's not what's going to make you look good. It's what's going to feel good deep inside. Let me give you a bit of a personal story to illustrate that. So when I started learning about coaching, I was deep into the online world of successful life coaches.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:53]:
What was valued and seen as impressive, And so what my ego wanted to achieve was, most amount of clients, most amount of money, shiniest client testimonials, the fast scaling of your business. To be honest with you, I wanted all of that. I'm a high achiever. I wanted to, I didn't want to just hike for 3 weeks. I wanted to through hike the whole Pacific Crest Trail. It's the same kind of mindset. It was exciting for me to try and reach for the big goal. And there were definitely parts of it I enjoyed, and I learned a lot, but in the end, I felt some days like I was prostituting myself, and I burnt out.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:42]:
And by the way, it's not necessarily about the the actions in themselves. You might be making a lot of money. You might be scaling your business fast, and that doesn't necessarily mean that you're pursuing ego desires. You might be pursuing your truth. It's all about, questioning the fuel behind your actions, the motivations deep down. After I hit a wall and went through my, my dark night of the soul, I realigned with what I actually yearn for, and that is deep connection with my clients. I, of course, always wanted that, but in the past, there was a little bit more of a Focus on quantity over quality, and that has definitely flipped. Along with that, I want a lot of time for me to rest, to create things like this podcast, to read books, to learn, get better at my craft, Spend time with loved ones, go on adventures, make enough money to live well, and save for future dreams.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:50]:
It's a lot more simple. I could summarize it with a few words like love, connection, peace, warmth. It's not about image as much as it used to be. I'm not in a hurry. There's not a sense of urgency. I'm growing roots. I'm in it for the long run, and I'm more focused on how I enjoy my life in the present. It's funny because back then, I, was into pulling cards for myself from a oracle deck, and There was a card that kept coming back called wait.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:26]:
I was frustrated because waiting felt boring. I just wanted to hustle. That's what felt worthy of my time, but now I can look back and understand what The message the the what the universe was trying to tell me. I needed to hit a wall in order to understand, and I have no regrets at all for the journey that I've been on, but it's just funny looking back. So ask yourself, what is the behavior of your true self versus your surface self, between your joy and your hustle, between What you do because it's been prescribed by culture and what you really want to do deep down in your heart. And when I talk about culture, you know, it's, yes, the culture at large, but also the culture in your family, the culture in your group of friends. For example, maybe you have a group of friends that have, the culture of the starving artist, but it's also a culture in your industry, in your workplace. There's all kinds of small cultures that we tend to comply to if we're not careful, if we're not mindful.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:38]:
I keep having to pause the recording in order to cough and sneeze and drink water. I'm sure you can hear in my voice that, I'm still A little bit sick. But I have the energy to be here and record this podcast, but it just shows you that I'm at the the tail end of my, my flu. Anyway, I'm getting off track. So think about your last week or your last weekend. What have you done because you thought you to do it versus what you actually deep down in your heart wanted to do. Did you hang out with people you don't really enjoy? Did you make yourself do something so you wouldn't upset someone else? Did you pretend to be happier than you were? Did you say things you did not mean? Let's say you're a parent and you thought, oh, I should organize something fun for my kids so that other parents Think well of me. And then you tell someone, maybe you tell a a parent another parent at the park, oh, let's get coffee soon, when actually You can care less about them.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:44]:
You were just acting nice, pretending. And then you get home, and you're like, why the hell did I say this? Why? Or maybe you went on a on a hike or you went to a party, and the whole time you're thinking, I know I should be having fun right now, and I'm acting like I'm having fun, but I just wanna be home underneath a blanket cuddling with my cat. So why am I here? Just get curious about the moments when you feel this way, when you feel like you're just acting a a character in a movie, the movie of what your life should look like, but it's not actually What you wanted deep down to feel like. In the book, Martha talks about how that can be challenging for many people because these things might be what you see as virtuous. You might be proud in a way to have been forcing yourself to do what appears righteous in our culture and to live up to those very high standards. I know I felt some kind of gratification when I forced myself off to go hiking every weekend because it was the, quote, unquote, healthy thing to do. And I was proud in a way even though I was going against What I felt at my core. Maybe you are proud to organize, like, the most impressive birthday parties for your kids Even though you actually kind of hate doing it, but you feel a sense of gratification because you think, oh, well, that I guess that makes me a good parent.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:18]:
Now don't beat yourself up about any of it. It's not good or bad. You don't have to change anything if you don't want to. What's most important at this point is just to be honest with yourself that, quote, some of your actions are designed to impress or fit in with other people. Just notice how it makes you feel. I was joking with a friend of mine, recently because I went to help out with their kids, and we went to a a birthday party for 2 year old toddlers. And the toddlers didn't really care about each other. They were kind of all doing their own thing, and you could see that the the parents had spent a lot of time and energy and money on organizing that party.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:01]:
There was this fancy cake for everyone and, obviously, no shade if these parents enjoyed the organization of the party. But I was laughing because I was saying if I was a a parent, I would have a a hard time because I Hate organizing stuff like that, but I know that there is a lot of pressure, social pressure to do as much as the other parents, and it takes a lot of courage to stand by what's true for you and resist Complying to the cultural norms. I think I wouldn't even wanna go to these birthday parties if I was invited to them, Especially when my kid is so young that they don't even you know, they're not even aware of what they're missing. I can understand when they're older and they were like, Oh, I wanna go to little Jimmy's birthday, and you kind of make compromises with your your kids. Right? But when they're 2 year olds, they don't know. They don't really care what what they do on a given Saturday. So I just wanna, you know, go and take a walk and go to the coffee shop and not have to make small talk at the at the birthday party, but you have to be willing to be judged and disliked and to appear like the cold hearted bitch because it goes against the culture. Makes me think of a story that Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of, Eat, Pray, Love told on the, Bewildered podcast with Martha Beck and her partner, Rowan Mangan.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:34]:
She said, she realized during the pandemic that she really loved having a smaller social circle. She has a lot of friends, And after the pandemic ended, she was like, okay. I only want to have 6 friends, not more. So she kind of, decluttered her social circle and messaged people telling them that she was yearning more simplicity and less people in her life at the moment. And that takes a lot of guts because you risk upsetting people. But then what happens is relief because you only do what you want to do, and you stop pretending to be someone that you're not pretending to be happy to see someone that you didn't really want to see. But we're gonna talk more about that in the next episodes. Let's move on to, what happens when you've identified that you're out of integrity and you wanna get back on track.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:40]:
You're going to meet your mentor, meet your teacher, your guide of the soul. In the book, Martha makes a comparison with the hero's journey by Joseph Campbell, which I have mentioned on this podcast quite often. It's the, the common template of stories that involve a hero who goes on an adventure, and it can be really fun to, make parallels with this, the the the hero's journey that you can see in novels, in movies, and what we go through as human beings when we're faced with a, a growth opportunity or a desire to transform and expand. So So the hero's journey starts with a call to adventure and a, resistance to the call. It's an in you're you're You feel called forward and then scared and called forward, and then eventually, you meet someone who's going to help you Be brave and step into the unknown. This might be a book like The Way of Integrity, a podcast like this one. It might be a coach like me, Might be a therapist. It might be a romantic partner.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:49]:
It might be an animal that you meet in the forest. As long as this person or being helps you, quote, find the wisdom at the core of your own consciousness and put you in touch with your innate ability to sense the truth, end quote. Sometimes these soul teachers are going to first appear as annoying or weird because they challenge the status quo. But you are drawn to them in a mysterious way. Like, you can't peel your eyes away. And not because they have powerful marketing. That's, mesmerizing, but it's a an inward drive in their direction. I consider that that's my job.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:35]:
I am a soul teacher for my clients, and it's really funny the way I come into their lives sometimes. They say, oh, I felt drawn to go on Spotify and write that word, and then you came up, and then I felt drawn to booking a call with you, and then here we are. There's a sense of magic around them. Your soul teachers are not going to help you get comfortable with your illusions. Quite the contrary. Martha writes that they, quote, rattle Your cages make you feel uneasy. They confiscate your sedatives, end quote. That is the tough love that my clients talk about the, the no bullshit approach that I have.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:25]:
That's why sometimes my clients are gonna be kind of angry with me. I've very often heard, I hate what you're saying, but I know you're right because it it feels easy sometimes to keep doing what you've been doing. It feels comfortable, familiar. But if I know if you've shared with me that your truth is in an other direction, I'm not gonna let you keep your head in the sand. It's It's always going to be with love. Always gonna try to pull your head out of the sand even though you're comfortable there. Soul teachers also, they don't care about your hustle. So I remember, a few clients who wanted me to help them create, like, the perfect morning routine for them.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:09]:
You know, they wanted me to help them get motivated to wake up at 5 and then do yoga and then do this and then do that. And I was like, Why do you wanna do that? And it ended up they wanted to do that from a place of perfectionism and all or nothing thinking and because that's what successful people do, but I refuse to, enable that. I I'm going to question your motivations before I help you, pursue your ego desires. That can be very frustrating once again. Your soul teachers won't share your culture's values, and they will help you think what you've never thought before. For example, I think the 40 hour work week is Stupid for lack of a smarter word. And so sometimes when my clients tell me like, oh, I I cannot be Productive for 40 hours. I feel guilty because I'm only productive for 20, 30 hours.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:28:09]:
And I tell them, so what? Do something you love for the rest of the time. Pretend to work. If you're at home, just, you know, rest. And they're like, what? You cannot say that? And I'm like, why not? I think you're not the problem. I think the system is the problem. And they go so it's just offering, perspective shifts. Like, right now, I'm exploring nonmonogamy, so it might be challenging for some people for me to say, you know, if you want, It might be okay for you and your partner to open up. It might be okay to explore together, to have sex with more than 1 person.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:28:50]:
You don't have to. I'm just saying it's a possibility. That's what Martha means when she says, like, rattling your your cage. It's offering a different point of view that is against the values of your culture. The goal here is for you to see everything that's possible so you can choose what is aligned with your truth instead of subscribing to a a set of values that was given to you without your consent. Martha has a an example for one of her soul teachers, and it was her son. Before he was born, she learned that, he had Down syndrome, and she had to decide if she wanted to interrupt the pregnancy or or have the baby. Everyone told her that she should not, and she wanted to move forward and have her son, but that he ended up being a big teacher for her because she had, placed a lot of importance on intellect as a value.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:30:01]:
And so she had to learn that you are lovable even if you are not an intellectual. I don't think she would say it quite this way, but that's what I understood from her message. There is more to life than your ability to score high on a test. That's what her son taught her, and that led to a massive expansion for her. And one last thing about soul teachers is that that they will only be with you momentarily. So learn everything you can from them while they are there until you're ready to move on. They're just a part of your journey. They are not your authority.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:30:47]:
You are always your one and only constant. These soul teachers are outer teachers that help you deepen your access to your inner teacher, your core self, your tuition. They're just milestones on the journey. Some of them will be with you for a month, 3 months, 6 months, 2 years, 3 years, and then eventually, you will feel ready to move on when you will have understood or integrated what you needed to understand from them in order to grow. I think it's fascinating to think of our life as a journey this way where we Deepen our relationship with ourselves and other people, other beings on our path help us expand and grow as well. Think of who your teachers have been in the past, who they are right now, and these might be, like, people in your life like your partner, but it might also be an author. It might be me. It might be a a dead poet.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:51]:
And also think about the kind of teachers that you are longing for right now, All the ways in which you want to evolve and the kind of people that could help you burst through your limitations in those areas so that you can get closer and closer to the person that you are deep down in your core, the truest, most beautiful version of you. I feel like I've Repeated the words deep down so many times during this episode. We could do, like, a little drinking game where you relisten to the episode and you drink a Not every time I say deep down. Deep down. Okay. That's it for this week. It's time for me to go, and I will be back with the next part of the way of integrity. If you have enjoyed today's episode, go, get the book by Martha Beck.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:32:49]:
It's amazing. It's amazing, and you can follow along with the next few episodes. And stay tuned if you, are curious or drawn to hire me as a soul teacher. You will have that possibility soon. In November or December, I will start talking about how you can, work with me in 2024. So I'm just planting that seed now, and I'll tell you more about it in the next month or so. Okay. Have a beautiful week, and I'm sending you lots of love.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:33:25]:
Bye. Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the Self Girl Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality. You have to check out how we can work together on self growth nerds .com or message me on Instagram at self growth nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.