Episode 143 -Are You Lying to Yourself? - The Way of Integrity - Part 2
Dive into the second part of our series exploring The Way of Integrity by Martha Beck. In this episode, we look into the transformative process of identifying and questioning cultural beliefs that may be holding you back from realizing your full potential. Discover how to break free from societal norms and align with what truly sparks passion within you.
Topics
Importance of being an observer of thoughts and not identifying with them.
Five ways to identify false beliefs.
Confirmation bias can hinder the process of questioning and changing beliefs.
The challenge of recognizing ingrained cultural beliefs.
Links
👉 Ready to get back in alignment with your integrity and feel excited about your life? Book a Discovery Call! 👈
Resources for this episode:
📕 The Way of Integrity book
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019. I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm good. Today, we keep talking about integrity.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:45]:
We started last week with part 1. If you haven't listened to part 1, please pause this and go back to part 1 where we talked about what it means to be in integrity, which essentially means being in alignment with your truth. We also talked about The symptoms you will experience where when you are misaligned and the unconscious forces that drive you off your path so you can better understand what's going on underneath the surface and not repeat the same mistake again and again. Then we ended the episode by talking about soul teachers, basically people or animals dead or alive that rattle your cage that help you find the wisdom at the core of who you are. This whole 3 part series is inspired by one of my favorite books, The Way of Integrity, by the author Martha Beck. So if this topic resonates deeply with you, if this is something that you need to hear right now, please go get her book. Yes. I'm making a summary here, but it's based on how I interpreted it.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:00]:
And there's so much more in there, So many gems that Martha shares with you. She's a genius, so please go get the weight of integrity. And now today, we're going to dig into the 2nd part of her book about the internal process that we we must go through to liberate ourselves and get back into integrity. What you must do first is be brave and get out of denial. You must step through the threshold and face what you've been avoiding. The inconvenient truths you're scared to see and to say out loud. Let me give you a few examples. Here's an example of comfortable denial, saying I cannot leave my job because I have bills to pay.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:55]:
Part of you thinks that's just the truth. But the inconvenient truth here is more likely to be I Hate my job, and nothing is stopping me from leaving other than fear that I won't find another way. This can be similar if we take a a relationship example. Comfortable denial is I'm unhappy in my relationship, But I have no good reason to leave or but they're a good person, so it's smarter for me to stay. The inconvenient truth in that situation might be something like I'm unhappy in my relationship and only staying because I'm afraid to be alone, or I'm unhappy in my relationship because I have stopped taking care of it a long time ago. I don't know what it is for you, and you might not even know for yourself. You might have been in denial for so long that it's hard to put your finger on it. One thing that might help is asking you the question, what what's something that you'd be scared to admit to your friends that you are afraid to mention because of what it might mean, because it might mean that you have to Change something and be very courageous.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:23]:
There's no turning back when you get out of denial. It's super interesting when I do discovery calls with people that are interested in maybe hiring me. I ask them a lot of questions to try and get at the truth. And sometimes people are gonna break open about what they're really feeling in their life, and I'm gonna explain how they can get back into alignment. But then after the call, I never hear back from them because signing up with me would mean facing up to their biggest fears, and they're not necessarily ready. It's like, telling an alcoholic you will have to stop drinking when it's been They're crutch for so long. They're not necessarily ready to give it up. It requires immense bravery, and their misery is still comfortable enough.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:25]:
It's not bad enough that they're ready to do the work. Some people will never be ready. They will prefer to keep drinking to stay in their unhappy job or marriage because they're just too afraid to make changes, and that is really, really sad to me. I mean, part of my mission in life is to help people be courageous enough to to stand up to the challenge. In the book, Martha Beck shares one of the best ways to be brave, and that's something that I work on a lot with my clients is And it's trusting that you are able to cope with whatever is going to happen, that you will not crumble, That everything's going to be okay. And what Martha says in the book is if you cannot trust that you will be able to cope in the future, Focus on the now. Notice how you're okay in the present. And if you do that repeatedly, You will be fine because all you have to cope with is the present moment.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:37]:
So surrender to the moment as it is and see that right now, you are safe. This makes me think of, breaking up. When you consider breaking up with a partner, you think about everything that that means. Okay. 1st, I'm gonna have to have the breakup conversation. Then I'm going to have to do this and do that and do this and then kids in the house, and it just feels like a gigantic mountain that you won't be able to climb. So what Martha says is focusing on 1 step at a time. Let's say the 1st step is having the breakup conversation.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:16]:
You can do this. It is sad. You are going to experience a lot of sadness, and you're going to move through it, and you're going to be okay. Only once you have survived this 1st step can you consider the next step. And as you keep moving forward, you will build evidence. You will build trust in yourself that you've got this, that you can cope. This is similar to through hiking. If you have an awful 1st week on a 6 month through hike and you start thinking, I'm never gonna be able to do this every week for 6 months.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:00]:
You're going to want to give up. You have to Not even think in terms of weeks, but think in terms of minutes sometimes when it's really hard. I remember being on the trail and looking at A a tree, like, 10 meters in front of me and thinking all I have to do is walk to the tree. And then I would get to the tree and tell myself, okay. All I have to do now is walk to this other tree, and that's it. And it's it's easier said than done, Obviously, it's a skill that we need to develop just like muscle. When your brain wants to go to the future, catastrophizing about the future. You, as often as you can, bring it back to the present and try to see what the next small step is, and just cope through that.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:52]:
Now the next part of the process is you're gonna take the, this inconvenient truth that you have uncovered, this circumstance in your life that needs changing, and notice the thoughts you have about that circumstance that make you suffer. And bear with me if that's not clear, it's going to become clear. Martha writes in the book, quote, our worst psychological suffering comes from thoughts that we genuinely believe while simultaneously knowing they are not true. I'm gonna give you examples. Maybe you're the inconvenient truth that you have uncovered is that you need to leave your marriage. You might have the thought, divorce will ruin my kids. What we wanna do is identify the thoughts that make you resist that, don't make you want to go in the direction of truth. I have more examples.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:51]:
Maybe you've realized that the industry that you're in Is not fulfilling for you, is no longer in alignment with who you are, but you tell yourself you have the thought, I studied so long, I that have to keep doing this job. And a third example would be, you wanna start a side business, but it's going to Take time away from your family so you believe it would be selfish to do what I want. Very often these beliefs that make you suffer are lies that the culture has taught us to believe. But you know deep down inside that they're not true, that divorce doesn't necessarily ruin your kids, that maybe it's okay to change career in your midlife, and that it might not be selfish to do what you want. It might actually Be very inspiring. But there's an internal split that is created within you because a big part of you believes the cultural lie, and then another part of you, a truer part of you, believes in the possibilities. So imagine being literally, physically split in 2. It would Be so painful, and this is the same, but psychologically.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:15]:
So first, you have to Be the observer of those thoughts, to see the tornado from the outside instead of being the tornado. So if you believe divorce will ruin my kids, you have to practice stepping aside and look at that as a belief. Okay. I'm believing this. I'm believing that the divorce will ruin my kids and see it instead of thinking it's the ultimate truth. Martha in the book talks about her son with Down syndrome And the the thoughts she struggled with when he was born, they were thoughts like he will always be a burden. He will never succeed at anything. People will be disgusted by him.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:04]:
People will be disgusted by me. When we're in it, when we're in the tornado, we just think these things are facts. But what's really important is to notice how it's not the circumstance that's creating the inner turbulence. It's your interpretation of the circumstance. It's not her baby with Down syndrome that was creating all the anxiety. It was all the lies she who's believing about him. What we wanna do once we have identified those false beliefs is question them. Martha writes, quote, we must question each belief that traps us in misery until we figure out where it diverts us from our sense of truth.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:50]:
That's what I do all the time with my clients. I work on liberating them by finding in deconstructing one outdated belief after another. That's also what I do with this podcast. I try to deconstruct the beliefs that keep you from being your most courageous self. It's just different when you work 1 on 1 with me because we can be more specific and unique To you, what are the unique beliefs that slow you down? Often, people will be ready for this deep inner work when they are just tired of their own bullshit, when they're tired of being scared, when they're tired of missing out on the life that they could be living. Now this is not about positive thinking. I always say this. It's not about teaching ourselves to be like, I can do this.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:42]:
I'm capable. I'm good. It's not cheerleading. It's about finding the lies you have been believing and replacing them with what is true to you instead of what is true to the culture. You have been programmed by a set of cultural norms, and we wanna replace them By your unique values so that you can make decisions and take actions that are true to you, okay, not based on what you have learned to do or not to do growing up. An example of a a false belief that's rooted in culture is thinking I need to make my marriage work. Why do you believe that? Let's question it. Where does it come from? Comes from the culture telling us that it's better first to be married.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:39]:
You have more value as a person, especially a woman if you are married. And a long marriage is a good marriage. That's also part of our cultural conditioning. But a question that we can ask ourselves to question any belief is and that's where the the work by Byron Katie comes in. Byron Katie is a an author and a very important figure in the world of self growth who created a method of self inquiry called The Work, and it's a series of questions. I'm not gonna go into it, but I'm gonna give you the gist. She asks questions like, can you be sure that it's true? What are reasons it might not be true? What else could be true? You might end up saying something like, this marriage has never really worked, and I'm tired of trying. I want to go.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:39]:
Another example, something that I used to tell myself when I was in a long term relationship is I cannot do this to them. I cannot leave. I cannot hurt them this way. And when you ask yourself, can you be sure that that's true? What else could be true? You come up with thoughts like, actually, maybe long term, my leaving might be what's Best for them as well as me. This is really challenging because of confirmation bias. We are wired to seek validation of what we already believe. So if you already believe that you need, You absolutely need to make your marriage work, then you're going to seek validation of that. We are not encouraged To nurture doubt and to seek this confirmation, as Martha writes, it's a skill that we must develop if we Don't wanna just comply with culture if we wanna be independent thinkers.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:43]:
We grow up learning so many cultural beliefs, So it's hard to see them for what they are. Like, a fish is not going to see the water. They're not even gonna know what water is because they have never known anything else. Martha says we cannot see these thoughts for the same reason we cannot see our eyes because they're the lens we look at the world through. That's why I think it's important to do this work with someone else. That's why in the last episode, we talked about meeting soul teachers that show you a different way to be. The more I work with my clients to deconstruct their false beliefs or just not even deconstruct them, just show them, that they're not the ultimate truth. The more autonomous they become in that process, the more they can do it on their own, and the more they free their minds from these cages.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:44]:
So, basically, See, there's 4 steps here. The first one is coming face to face with the truth about where you are in your life. Then the 2nd step is seeing, noticing, observing the thoughts that keep you from pursuing your truth. Then the 3rd step is to question them, to question those false beliefs. And the last step, the 4th step, is to move on and take action. But seeing is the hardest part because like I was saying, you don't see the water if you've always been swimming, if you've always been swimming in order. So I'm gonna give you 5 ways to find these thoughts, these false beliefs that slow you down, that keep you stuck. Okay? And there's multiple ways in the book, but I'm gonna share 5.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:34]:
The first one is When you feel rage, depression, or frustration, it's a good sign you're believing a false belief. I'm gonna give you a very specific example from the COVID times. I remember feeling a lot of rage because there was, A family member before we were going to, to meet who wanted us to go get tested, back in that in those, days, it was winter in Quebec. It was very, very cold outside. Slide. And in order to get tested, you had to go to this specific place and wait in line in the cold, and I was really Angry because I didn't wanna do this. I knew I didn't have COVID. I felt very healthy, and I didn't wanna go wait in line with other potentially sick people in the cold.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:27]:
I felt like this was a bit silly. So my frustration came from believing the false belief I have to go get tested as if they were making me. That was not true. They had made a request, and the truth was that I did not want to displeased them. My frustration was coming from letting go of my power, pretending that I didn't have A choice, pretending that I was a victim to their request, which was not true. So when you are feeling frustrated, ask yourself, okay. What's the false belief that I am believing here. The last time I felt frustrated is because I was going to a party, and I was not in the mood, and the false belief was I have to go there.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:19]:
I'm gonna talk about that a little bit more later in the episode. A second way to find the false beliefs you are holding on to is when you self sabotage. For example, I wanted to have a YouTube channel for a long time, but I kept postponing it. Every week, I would tell myself, okay. This is it. This is the week where I'm gonna make a video. But it was not happening because I was believing a false belief it has to be really good. I'm going to have a YouTube channel.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:53]:
It has to be really good. Many of you do this. You wanna start a blog or write a book or create a podcast, But you're sure that if you're going to do so, it has to be really good. Otherwise, what's the point? And you think this is such a a smart way to think. And I understand because that's where I used to be. But as long as you think this is true, You don't take action or you keep buying courses and buying books and trying to get better, but you are wasting time in perfectionistic thinking. Instead of just believing it's better to put your art out there imperfectly then not at all. That your work is not to publish something that's going to be liked.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:44]:
Your work is just to Express your creativity and let others decide if they like it or not. That it's none of your business what other people think of your work. So if you've been self sabotaging, ask yourself, what what is it that I'm believing that might be completely false? Number 3. Martha teaches in the book a method called walking back the cat that I think is brilliant. So when you're feeling out of alignment, you've got to figure out when was the moment you split from your truth. What were you thinking? Walk back moment by moment and find when you stopped feeling good. So Last weekend, I was at this party feeling pretty grumpy because what I really wanted was to be at home reading a book. You know when you're in that mood, everything people do around you gets on your nerves, but it's not their fault.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:45]:
It's It's because you have already betrayed yourself. And so what I did was walk back to the moment where I decided to go against my truth and identify I the specific belief that prompted me to do so. In that case, somewhere in the middle of the afternoon, I had the thought it's Saturday. I should make an effort. The the word should is always a red flag. Means you're forcing yourself to do something you don't wanna do because it's culturally valued. The way Martha phrases it is that my need for rest crashed into the cultural belief that it is better to go out on a Saturday night and, people who stay in are losers. So I abandoned myself.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:41]:
I followed a cultural belief away from my truth. Signals that you have done that, physical signals Our attention and a drop in energy, emotional signals are that you get sulky and that you tell yourself you should cheer up. I kind of visualize this as if you were forcing a child to do something they don't wanna do. This is what you're doing. You're forcing your inner child to do something they don't wanna do. And, spiritually, the signal the signal is that you feel trapped by your own self. I can give you another example that's, a mix of the first 3 ways to find false beliefs, and it's one of my relationship patterns, more specifically when I'm dating. Let's say as I'm spending, a nice moment with a new person And then suddenly, I start feeling grumpy.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:38]:
And, I I'm off. I start disassociating, and I self sabotage the the moment. I can walk back the cat and identify, okay, I stopped feeling good when this person did this thing or said this thing because the belief that, quote, I need To be with the right person, otherwise, I will ruin my life, crossed my mind. This is one of the the false beliefs that keeps coming back in my life. It's my signature false belief, one one of them, and you have them too. So let me show you how this specific one plays out. I need to be with the right person. Otherwise, I'm gonna ruin my life.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:23]:
It sounds true. Right? It sounds, I mean, Maybe a bit dramatic, but it sounds like a good idea, except it creates an internal split. What happens is confirmation bias. If I believe that I need to be with the right person, otherwise, I will ruin my life, I will be I will always be on the lookout for what they're wing in hypervigilance to make sure that they match the idea I have of who the right person is. And as soon as they do something that's not in alignment with that, it takes me right out of the present. And what ruins my life is not the is not being with the wrong person. It's believing that I need to be. Otherwise, I will ruin my life.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:15]:
Now don't get me wrong. It is important for me to be in a healthy relationship. But there's a difference between saying that and believing I need to be with the right person, otherwise, I will ruin my life, which Creates a lot of anxiety and leads to a a disconnection from my truth. Okay. Number 4, 4th way to find Those false beliefs is self righteousness. When you are very rigid about a certain topic and You are sure that you are right. There is a whole chapter on self righteousness in the book, so I won't Do it justice here. I won't go too deep into it, but an example that I could give you is when someone who's closet a closeted gay person who is very violently homophobic.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:05]:
Well, not violently, just homophobic, period. That is a form of self righteousness that tells us they are believing it's wrong to love Someone of the same gender or something like that. Some lie that their culture fed them. Another example is, believing My partner should be more present with the kids. And bear with me here. I don't wanna blame you if you believe this. I know it comes from a a a good place, but it tells us you have a righteous idea of what family is meant to look like. It's a black and white idea of what your partner should do, shouldn't do, a vision of right and wrong, and it leads to more anger and more disconnection.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:52]:
It doesn't create what you ultimately want. No one if you think about the other person on the, on the other end of this criticism, they are not going to be likely to open their heart and want to cooperate when they are being blamed, when they feel attacked. So, imagine so on one side, we have my partner should be more present with the kids, and then on the other side, we have I want my partner to be more present. This can still create anger. The circumstance is the same, but it's more maybe aligned with your personal truth Instead of being based on this idea, this, moral judgment, this image, It's what you want deep down, and it's more likely to lead to a solution because you're not trying to come Convince someone of the ultimate truth. You're expressing your own truth. So this was self righteousness. When you're being self righteous about way the the way things should be, it tells us there's probably a false belief in there.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:29:09]:
It's not true that your partner should be more present. There is not one way to be with the kids. There's not one way to be in the family, but there's a way to be that you would like to nurture. Okay. So this was number 4. Number 5, the last way day that I'm gonna give you today to find those thoughts, those false beliefs is looking for the lies you tell, the little white lies that come out of your mouth without you even noticing. Again, there's a whole chapter on that that's amazing in the book, so I encourage you to go read it all. But here are a few examples.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:29:48]:
Saying to a a friend, I'm not available to babysit when they ask you if you can help out when actually you are available. You just don't wanna do it. The false belief that you might have is that good friends Don't say no unless they have a good reason or something like that. And if we dig even deeper, we can ask the question, What does that say about your capacity to be loved and accepted? And what rises to the surface, To me, anyway, is I'm not acceptable as I am. I am not lovable as I am. If your truth is that you prefer to relax on Wednesday night than to go and babysit your friend's kid. Part of you believes that that's Not enough that that's not acceptable. You cannot be accepted as is.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:30:43]:
This is The false belief that leads to getting out of integrity is the ultimate one. It's the the Martha calls it the deepest lie that leads to havoc. She writes that the single simple truth we need to know in order To get back in alignment is you are infinitely worthy. You are infinitely precious. You have always been enough. You will always be enough. There is no place you don't belong. You are lovable.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:21]:
You are loved. You are love. The more you believe that, the less often You will betray yourself. The easier it will be to do what's true to you no matter what other people think no matter what the culture says. Okay? So that's it for today. Next week, we have the 3rd and last part of this series on integrity. We're gonna talk about how to begin the cleanse, how to regain your power, and how to Choose a new way to live your life. Now in the meantime, I'm available for discovery calls.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:32:01]:
So if you feel like you've outgrown your life, you are out of alignment, and you really need to make a change because you're tired of feeling this way and you wanna feel enthusiastic and fulfilled again, book a discovery call with me, and we're gonna talk about what's slowing you down and how I can help you find your truth again. Just go to self growth nerds.com slash audacity, and there will be a big yellow button there that will take you to my calendar where you can book a call. It's 45 minutes. There is no strings attached. I'm gonna tell you about what it's like to work with me, And then you get to make your decision. You get to choose what is right for you. And if you want me to be your guide for the next, part of your journey. Okay? It would be a pleasure for me to just meet you Even if we don't end up working together right away or ever, I just love to hear from you and to to see how I I can help.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:33:12]:
Okay. Have a beautiful week. I'm sending you lots of love, and I will talk to you soon. Bye. Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the self growth nerds podcast. And you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality? You have to check out how we can work together on self growth nerds.com or message me on Instagram at self growth nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:33:47]:
So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.