Episode 145 - Unconscious Goals Are Slowing You Down
Willpower is not enough to reach your goals when unconscious forces are slowing you down. Join me in this episode as we delve into identifying past wounds that may be hindering progress. Discover strategies to help your inner child and inner parent collaborate and foster alignment towards creating the life you envision. Tune in now to learn how to overcome internal obstacles so you can manifest your dreams.
Topics
The importance of identifying unconscious goals.
Four steps to make peace with unconscious goals.
Questioning limiting beliefs.
Practicing perspective shifts.
Believing in one's own abilities and resourcefulness.
Overcoming catastrophizing and fear-based thinking.
Links
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Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019. I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. Today, we are talking about why you can't make progress towards your goals.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:51]:
This will be a 2 part series because there is 2 main reasons I want to explore with you. The first one is that there are unconscious goals pulling you in the opposite direction. This is what we are going to dig into today, And next week, we're gonna talk about the other reason why you might not make progress towards your goals, and it's that they're not compelling enough. And we'll we're gonna discuss the 3 aspects that need to be in integrity for you to want to pursue those goals actively with a fire lit up underneath your butt. That's gonna be next week. Okay? Little sneak peek. This week, we're talking about how the unconscious is slowing you down. So I want you first to think of a goal that has been on your mind for a while, but you don't take it seriously.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:51]:
You either have not started it at all, or you have taken a few steps in that direction but ran back into the cave of comfort a few times. Or maybe There are opportunities coming your way, but you, seem to sabotage them 1 after the other. So think about that goal and then ask yourself, What am I trying to avoid in the pursuit of that goal? What are past wounds I am desperately hoping not to experience again that I wanna protect myself from. And how does that influence the actions I take or don't take when it comes to reaching my goal. And in what ways do these behaviors slow me down? Let me give you a few examples. Let's say you want to be recognized at work. You wanna be given more important projects, but you're scared to look like an idiot if you share your ideas, so you stay quiet. You get resentful, and you wish they would see how smart you are instead of you having to show them.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:00]:
The conscious goal here is to be recognized at work, but that might mean you have to take risks every now and then. Show them what you're capable of. And if you're unconsciously trying to, protect yourself from embarrassment, then those 2 don't match. Those 2 goals are contradictory. Let me give you another example. Let's say you have a business or, an art practice, and you wanna promote it online, but you are scared people will think you're too much and you're taking up too much space on their Instagram feed. So you stay quiet most of the time and you don't make any sales. Unconsciously, what you're trying to do is to protect yourself from people disliking you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:53]:
Right? And this unconscious goal is taking over and squashing your conscious goal to make make money from your business or from your art or to get as many people as possible reading your blog or listening to your podcast. One last example. Let's say you are single and you want a relationship, But you are unconsciously terrified to be rejected when you show who you really are, and that might show up in all kinds of different ways, like, for example, not being authentic when you meet people or being Hypercritical or overanalytical of them and not being really in the present, able to get to know who they really are or just running away as soon as you start feeling too close, too intimate with them. These are All examples of how you might, in one hand, have a conscious goal that you really, really care about, And then in the other hand, having an unconscious goal that messes up all of your efforts. It's very frustrating, But it's important to put your finger on what your unconscious goals are because they will always win unless you bring them into awareness and you tend to them. The work here is to figure out what you're trying to avoid, what your inner child, your Scared inner child is trying to avoid at all cost and make peace with that. There are 4 ways you can do that, and I'm gonna tell you about them. The first one is to expand your capacity for discomfort by getting better and better at nervous system regulation.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:44]:
Let's say you're planning your week and you wanna promote your new blog 3 times. Okay. It makes sense to you. That that's what we're gonna do. We've got a plan. Now when it comes time to talk about it For a 3rd time in your stories, you might have a thought that says, oh, people are gonna think I'm annoying with this, And that is perceived as a danger to your primitive brain because we are wired as animals who want to be part of the tribe and to avoid any behavior that would have us kicked out. So if the tribe was to find us annoying, what do you think they would do? They would kick us out, and that reflex, that instinct is still in us unconsciously. And so what happens is it sends a a signal of alarm.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:42]:
Don't do this. Don't do this. It's better to stay quiet, and your nervous system falls into dysregulation Just as if you would have seen a tiger in front of you, it's danger. Danger of death because being kicked out of the tribe Just meant you were going to die alone in the wilderness. Same thing. So you want to practice noticing when your nervous system falls into dysregulation. Maybe your hands get moist. Maybe you get shaky.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:16]:
Maybe you have trouble breathing and then learn techniques that help you get back to a place of groundedness. For some people, it's breath work. For some people, it's meditation, going for a walk, taking a bath. What is soothing to you? What are the little things you can do that you know will calm you down. It might be as silly as, like, watching cute animal videos on YouTube or watching videos of people drawing. I know that can be very calming for me. In other words, what you're doing here is taking care of of your scared inner child. You're like the inner parent that's compassionate, that's understanding, that comes in and says, oh, I know.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:09]:
I know. Come here. It's okay. So that your inner child starts integrating that they are safe, That everything is okay, and you've got them. But you cannot skip that step. You cannot what I see many people do and what I also, do sometimes is try to intellectualize what's going on before calming down. No. This is like a toddler having a tantrum, and you're telling them that their tantrum doesn't make sense.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:37]:
Of course, it doesn't make sense. That's not the point. They're at an age where they need to be comforted, so you need to act accordingly instead of pretending that they're a grown up able to understand rationally. That is the same For all of us internally, sometimes we fall into emotional childhood, and we have to take care of ourselves accordingly. Then once you're no longer in survival mode, we can move on to step 2, which is to enhance your thinking. What's the thought that freaked you out? In that example, it was, oh, people on Instagram are going to think I'm annoying. In this situation, enhancing your thinking is asking yourself questions, getting curious. Like, so what if they do? So what if some people think you're posting too many stories? What do you make that mean? Are you sure that that's true? What else could be true? Maybe it's okay for some people to think you're annoying.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:44]:
They can unfollow you. They can mute you, and then the people who stick around, they're the ones that are going to buy your art. They're the ones that are going to hire you. They're the ones that love what you're talking about, that love it when you share more from you, and they're the ones that matter most. This is about getting better at perspective shifts, at looking at the world through lenses that are going to benefit you moving forward. This is what I do with my clients all the time. Let's say you're scared, that someone you're dating will reject you. That's because you make it mean that if they reject you, you're not worthy.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:28]:
But are you sure that that's true? What else could be true? Maybe that's just telling you that they're not the right person for you. You wanna be with someone who loves you just as you are with whom you feel comfortable being your authentic self. So what I say, here is good riddance. Yes. It hurts your inner child, but your inner parent is able to stand up for yourself often say, you know what? If this person hasn't been able to see your goodness, then let's move on and find someone who will. This leads me to step number 3. If you're going to make peace with what you're trying to avoid, you have to make a pact with yourself. A promise to have your own back no matter what happens.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:19]:
Let's say you take a risk at work. You present a a bold idea that you think could improve the company. And then your your managers shut you down or they just they don't seem that interested and they move on to something else. Now the way you show up for yourself in that moment is crucial. Are you going to beat yourself up? Are you gonna tell yourself you should never have told them about your idea, or will you tell yourself that you're learning from this, that it was courageous of you to show up and try something new. If you're mean to yourself, when you put yourself out there and it doesn't go as expected, What you're teaching your unconscious is that it's not safe for you to put yourself out there and try something new. Let's say you, sign up for a training program, and you're supposed to run every day for 30 days. And then after 5 days, You stop.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:22]:
What are you going to tell yourself in that moment? Are you going to tell yourself, oh, there you go again, never finishing what What what you start, how lazy of you, or are you going to tell yourself, it's okay. Let's see what happened. Maybe we can start again tomorrow, or what is it that you need? Do you need better shoes or do you need more? What's going on? What is your relationship with yourself? Are you being a friend to yourself, or are you being a mean boss to yourself. That is having such an impact on whether or not you will keep going towards your goal. Because if you are next to yourself, whipping yourself every time that you are not up to You're impossibly high on realistic standards, then it just makes the journey awful. Let's say someone, asks me about my services, and I tell them how much it cost, and they tell me it's too expensive. I have a choice. I can tell myself, oh, they're right.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:27]:
I guess I'm I'm a greedy person. I'm a bad person for asking so much. Okay. That's an option. The other option And is telling myself, no. I know I'm a good person. This is how I price my offering. It's okay if they don't wanna buy.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:41]:
They can go See someone else, and there will be other people that come my way. This is just another version of step 2. It's a way to enhance your thinking. It's a way to Make your thinking, more neutral and also kinder, more compassionate. Practice Being mindful of the stories you tell yourself, do you tell stories in which you're the victim, in which You're, the idiot, or do you tell stories in which you're, a courageous person who's doing their best, Sometimes making mistakes, but always getting up and trying again. What's the kind of stories you wanna tell about yourself? And lastly, number 4, the last step to make peace with what you're trying to avoid is to trust your resourcefulness. Basically, go to the worst case scenario and show yourself that you would figure it out, whatever happens. Let's say, my worst case scenario is getting canceled online.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:43]:
I know that I would figure out what to do next. I wouldn't just, you know, become homeless and die underneath a bridge. No. I would Probably find another job. I would still have friends who love me. I would have my parents and my sister whose thoughts about me hasn't changed. I'd be able to move through the sadness. I would be okay.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:17]:
So what's the worst case scenario that you're afraid of? Ask yourself and then connect to your power. You have so many inner and outer resources. You are smart. You are capable. What are the different things you could do if that worst case scenario came into being? Who could you reach out to for help or for support? Who are the people that would be there for you? It's never As bad as we imagine it's going to be, our brains are so good at catastrophizing, at spinning in circles, imagining the worst case scenario. But when you actually stop and look at it, put it down on paper, It wouldn't be that bad. Yes. It might feel awful, but you would be okay.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:10]:
I used to say in college, It's going to be okay in the end, and if it's not okay yet, it means it's not the end. It is, however, almost the end of this episode. Today, we talked about how unconscious goals are going to mess up with your conscious goals if you don't bring them into awareness and make peace with them. The 4 steps to make it making peace with what you're trying to avoid is Actually, the first one, I should say step 0, is to know what that is. Okay? And then Step 1, expand your capacity for discomfort. Get better at working with your primitive brain, calming your primitive brain down when it perceives danger so you can get back on track. This is calming your scared inner child so your inner parent can make real progress towards what matters most to you while ensuring that your inner child's needs are met. Step 2 is enhancing your thinking.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:18]:
So basically, you can ask yourself, how would someone wiser than me think about this? How would someone who has achieved what I want to achieve would think. How would Oprah think? How would Gandalf think? How would, I don't know. McGonagall think. Just practice questioning your limiting beliefs. Practice questioning what you've been taught in our society to believe is true because very often, it's just made up rules getting in your in the way of your liberation. So let's do some rebellious rewiring of your thinking. This is what I do with my clients all the time. By the way, if you want to work with me, I'm available for calls Right now, free calls where we get to know each other, where you tell me about what's going on for you, and I'll tell you about how I can help.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:17]:
If you find yourself running in circles, not being able to reach your goals and getting tired with yourself, Please please please book a call. Working together is going to change your life. You're gonna stop putting yourself in your own way and blow your own mind with what you can do when your mind is clear and when you know how to manage your feelings. Step 3 was about promising to have your own back, improving your relationship with yourself so that there's not Constantly a fight internally between the part of you who's trying things and then the part of you who's beating yourself up. That is bound to make your life unbearable. Okay? Fullness, to remember that you are effing smart and capable and that you you would figure out whatever happens next, that you are surrounded by people who love you and that you would be okay even if you fail. Failure is is not an end in itself. It's just a a milestone along the way that you would get back up and that you would keep going.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:36]:
Sometimes we forget that. We just think that we're silly, incapable beings that would crumble if it didn't work out, but that is so far from the truth. Okay. This is it for today. Next week, we're gonna talk about how to make your goals more compelling. In the meantime, though, if you wanna book a call with me, you can do so at self growth nerds.com/audacity. By working with me, you will deconstruct all the unconscious forces that are getting in your way so that you can go full speed in the direction of your goals so that you can get really clear about this, the vision for your life. What kind of life do you wanna lead? What's going to light you up? And instead of just dreaming about it, Go in that direction wholeheartedly.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:33]:
That's what I help my clients do. I help them stop letting their overwhelm, their doubts, their indecision. Fuck up with their life. I was looking for a better word. Sorry. I didn't find it. If you if you know deep down that you're not reaching your full potential because you get stuck in outdated beliefs in old patterns, then it's time to book a call. If you look at people around you and you secretly or not not so secretly feel envious of how bold they are, how they seem to have an ability to express themselves unapologetically.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:19]:
If there's a a lightheartedness about them that you wish you could have for yourself too, Then go to self growth nerds.com/audacity because that's exactly what I work on with my clients, and We might be a great fit. Okay? So I cannot wait to meet you. And, to everyone, I wish you Great week, and I will talk to you next week. Bye. If you love what you're hearing on the Self Girl Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality. You have to check out how we can work together on self growth nerds.com or message me on Instagram at self growth nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, Don't wait.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:21]:
Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.