Episode 154 - End The Pity Party & Get Unstuck
Are you feeling trapped in a cycle of self-pity, unable to envision a way forward? Join me for a transformative discussion on reclaiming control over our minds and lives. In this episode, I unveil 6 actionable steps to reignite a sense of empowerment when faced with despair, powerlessness, and stagnation. Discover how to tap into your true capabilities and break free from the grip of self-pity. Tune in now to cultivate renewed strength and resilience.
Topics
The consequences of prolonged self-pity.
Acknowledging self-pity as a normal response to life's challenges.
Six Steps to move past self-pity.
Examples and actionable strategies for implementing each step.
The psychological and emotional reasoning behind each step.
Links
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Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019. I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering covering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm doing so good. I feel like my inner fire is burning bright again, and that makes me emotional because It had been a long time since I felt this way, so I'm really glad to be back.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:58]:
Today, we are talking about something I'm really good at, which is self pity. Over the holidays, actually, in the last month and a half, I would say, I was honestly having a hard time, and there's nothing wrong with that. Right? I have so much compassion for myself, but I know that there were days where have I was having a real pity party where I was focusing on what I thought were all the ways in which I was failing, but, really, it was always in which I was not being perfect and feeling ashamed and hopeless about it. But I got out of it. I climbed out of the hole. I feel so much better, and I wanted to look back on the different steps I've taken to get where I am today, feeling more grounded, feeling more like myself, feeling this, this inner fire burn again like I was mentioning earlier. I wanna share those steps to help you, and the goal is not to bypass the pain of living as a human on planet Earth. You have to experience and move through the pain, but there are times where I think we make it harder than it needs to be when we add an extra layer of suffering that is optional.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:22]:
So I'm gonna start by defining how I see self pity, and then we're going to go through the 6 different steps that helped me to end the pity party and get unstuck. Okay? This should be a super insightful and helpful episode that you'll want to save for when you're having a pity party again or maybe send a friend that you think is going through a hard time and, would need a hand. So self pity to me comes from a narrative that you have no power over your life. You're helpless. You see yourself as a failure, and you think it's It's too late to even try. When you experience self pity, you have forgotten for that moment all the ways in which You could make a change in your life. You see everything as so hard. You focus on the obstacles, and very often you inflate the obstacles.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:28]:
You don't focus on what is working well and what your strengths actually are. No. All of that disappears, and your attention is on the bad decisions you have made, the people you may have wronged, the ways in which you should have been better, what is not working, the gap between where you are and where you wish you were at your age. And most often, when you talk about this with others, you Don't really want them to give you solutions. You might hear their solutions, but they just all seem impossible from the get go. Instead, you kinda want them to feel sorry for you or to see your pain, or you might also isolate yourself For fear that you will be misunderstood or that you will be judged or looked down upon for struggling so much, You might look for someone to save you. So not look for a solution, but look for salvation comes from a different energy. You want something or someone to make you feel worthy, because that's what self pity is about at the end of the day is you doubt your your worthiness.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:43]:
So you might look for what you can buy that's gonna make you feel better or who you can hire that's gonna give you a quick fix. These are the moments where you might be more tempted to, order, Like, I don't know, a makeup kit expensive makeup kit online or buy a bunch of online courses that you're not going to do. You're not really in a solution oriented mode when you're swimming in self pity. You're looking for salvation, and the the the difference here is empowered people look for solutions that they are going to take action on, and disempowered people look for salvation because they think they're incapable. They think they need someone else or something else to get them there, to do it for them. That's why it's Super important for me to record this episode so you know how to get out of self pity because when we're in self pity, we really don't make the best decisions for ourselves. Now don't get me wrong. It is normal to feel this way sometimes.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:53]:
Life is hard, And self pity can just be a sign that we need some love, that we need someone to acknowledge how hard life can be and to be reminded of how capable we are despite the hardships. However, I have found personally that sometimes Self pity wants to overstay its welcome, and it can sabotage what we have built. So you can use this episode to give you steps to get out of a self pity rut when you judge it's been too long and you want to move on. Let's dive in. Step 1. You gotta shock your system out of it. Historically, I have had 2 ways of doing this. One of them, my favorite, is having a big cry.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:39]:
So that might be watching a movie or series that you know is going to destroy you emotionally or having a an honest conversation with a friend who you feel comfortable crying with or hiring a coach or a therapist that you can bawl your eyes out in front of. There is this raw state of being that comes after a big cry where we have a a more direct channel to our core, I feel like. Basically, what we want in step 1, the image that comes to mind is a giant a giant creature that's gonna come in and blow on the clouds that have been above our heads, and that's gonna clear the sky. To me, that's the effect of a big cry. I come out on the other side seeing more clearly clearly feeling more grounded and open hearted. The other way for me to shake my system out of self pity is doing a challenging sport, a sport where I'm going to sweat and I'm going to push, and I'm gonna get out of my mind and into my body. For me right now, it's spinning. Spinning classes are really intense.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:53]:
So a big cry or challenging sport, what is it going to be for you. What have you done in the past that has helped make your mind less foggy? Another image that comes to mind is when my dad, 2 years ago, I think, took me to this place where you could handwash your car, And, there was these big guns with really high pressure water. He said to me, I'm gonna show you how to wash your car Self. You know, like, the legacy that dads want to give to their offspring. He was really proud of sharing his tricks. But, yeah, what you wanna find is, a gun like this, like a water gun, high pressure water gun for your mind. That's step 1. In step 2, you are going to take back control by stating what you are unsatisfied about in your life in a very specific neutral way instead of a vague, catastrophizing victimized way.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:58]:
That's what you do when you're in self pity. It's like,
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:01]:
no one loves me. My life is a mess. Nothing is working. I have no money.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:10]:
This is so ridiculous at my age. I am so behind. K? We love to be dramatic, but what we're gonna do in step 2 is to be radically honest with yourself. I'm gonna give you plenty of examples. Instead of saying no one loves me by the way, I'm not making fun of anyone because I do the same. You might say, you know what? I have outgrown my friends. I long for deep connections and friendships with like minded people, and I don't have that right now. Notice how matter of fact that is.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:47]:
Another example. Instead of saying, my life is a mess. Nothing is working. You might say, I have not been happy in my relationship in a long time. We fight constantly, and I long for more peace. I'm also struggling at work. I find my projects unstimulating. K? Try to put your finger on what exactly is going on without putting any blame.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:12]:
Just stating facts and stating what you long for. One last example. Instead of saying, I have no Money. This is so ridiculous at my age. I feel so behind. You might say, I am not where I wanna be, specifically when it comes to my finances. Right now, I have x amount of dollars in my account, and I wanna be able to save x amount of dollars per month. Really sit down and figure out the source or sources of your angst.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:46]:
What are you unsatisfied with? Be honest. And there's so much power in acknowledging where you are and the ways in which that doesn't work for you, the ways in which you want to improve. This is an acceptance of what is while also being an an acknowledgment of what you deeply desire. Try to make it as specific and simple as possible. And if you need help speaking your truth, go to episode 143. It's, called are you lying to yourself? Now let's go to step number 3. You are now going to make a list of what is required to get to where you want to be. What are the ingredients needed to create the recipe of the life you stated that you want in step 2? What is it that you might need to do that you've been avoiding for a long time? I'm gonna give you examples.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:49]:
Let's say your desire is to find new friends, to make deep connections. What you're gonna write in step 3 is, Okay. I guess I have to go out of my house, go to events regularly, and I have to follow-up with the people I meet that I find Interesting. And I have to offer dates, offer activities to do together. If you've been unhappy in your romantic relationship, Maybe what you're gonna write down here is we need to have that hard conversation. Maybe it's, we need to go to couples therapy or maybe it's Annie Tali. If your job is what's bugging you, if you find your projects unsimulating, Maybe what you're gonna write down here is, again, I need to have a hard conversation with my boss instead of, you know, expecting them to read your mind. If that's been done before and nothing has changed, maybe what you need to do is find a new job.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:48]:
What is required here in order to find a new job. Make a list. That's gonna be different for everyone depending on what industry you're in and what you want to do next. If it's about money, if you wish you had more than you do right now, Maybe what you're gonna write down here is I need to ask for a raise, or I need to create and respect a budget, or I need to create passive income. That step, step 3 might be hard to figure out on your own if you've been facing the same blank wall for a long time. You've got to seek the voices of people who have done what you wanna do and can bring you a new and a more empowered perspective because that's what you need. So that might be through podcasts, books, mentoring. And if you're like, Ashley Marie, you know what? I know exactly what I need to do.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:51]:
I've known for a long time. I'm just not doing it. Maybe what's required here is to be humble, to stop pretending you can do it on your own and get help to overcome the unconscious Barriers that slow you down. If your desire is to make friends to create deep connections And you know you have to get out of your house and go to events, but you haven't been able to do it, then maybe what you're going to ad on the list of what's required is I have to learn how to better handle my fear of rejection. Same goes for money. You might know that you need to ask for a raise or that you need to learn how to invest, but you have not been doing it. So what is required here maybe is to get help to heal your overspending tendencies. That's just an example.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:47]:
Right? I talk a lot about this in episode 145 called unconscious goals are slowing you down. So if you are the kind of person who says, I know exactly what I need to do. I'm just not doing it. Go listen to the episode after. K? It's gonna be super helpful. So this is step 3. Basically, in step 2, you are honest about what it is that's not working in your life. And in step 3, You figure out the road map to get there.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:17]:
This step should give you clarity and help you think like, okay. It's gonna be challenging, but it's doable. I have an idea of the different steps I need to take. If not, if that's not working, It might be because there's too much noise in your mind, and it's hard to identify what's worth listening to, what's what really matters. It might also be because there's a lot of fear involved. So in your mind, there's just like these screens like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:47]:
This is too much. You get overwhelmed and you kind of shut down. That's okay. That's nothing to worry about because I'm really excited about this. I decided to offer something completely new that I've never done before, and that's a one off coaching session. 90 minutes with me to get a massive boost of clarity. For the last year, all I have offered is a 4 month package, and I realized that not everyone is up for such a commitment. I was with my friend Flo this morning, and that's what she told me.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:24]:
You know, some people just need a quick realignment. Working with me for 4 months is kind of like, getting in a relationship with someone when you might just wanna go on a really nice first date. So that's where the idea came from. What we're gonna do in 90 minutes is 3 things. 1, untangle your mind. So we're gonna take all the anxieties rolling around in your mind, put them out into the open, and organize them. This is gonna have the effect of quieting your mind, Kind of like Marie Kondo does, taking everything out of the closet, and then we're left with an empty space, and from there, we can create, which leads to the second thing we're gonna do, and it's uncover what you really, really want at your core. I'm gonna ask you a series of very thought provoking questions that are designed to assess what your heart wants that you've been maybe unconsciously repressing for too long.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:28]:
In this space free of judgment, Your inner whispers are going to feel more comfortable making themselves known. Rare are the occasions in your life where you Have the freedom to explore your desires without anyone sharing their opinion or projecting their insecurities onto you. You've got to intentionally seek those spaces because they help you access a part of you that doesn't show up very often on a day to day basis. So once we have uncovered what you really, really want at your core, we'll move to step 3, which is unleashing your bully. Because one of the main reasons why you might struggle to speak your desires is that you believe it's not possible for someone like you. It's possible for others, but not you. And I'm pretty sure that's bullshit. I'm pretty sure that together, we can find a way to get around the obstacles that seem insurmountable for you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:25]:
My whole goal here and what I'm really good at is going to be to light up a spark of belief in you. That is all you need to get started because then you'll be able to fan the flame and grow your belief. So that's the 3 things we're gonna focus on in this 1 session. Untangle your mind, then uncover what you really want, and finally, unleash your belief. And you're going to leave the session with the template that I use to plan my goals. So that is 90 minutes, $490, $1.90. And what I can guarantee you is that you will leave this session with a lot more clarity about what you want and more belief that it's actually possible. This session might be an important turning point.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:15]:
I've had many clients Make a life changing decision in a session with me. The other day, I took a screenshot of a client because I wanted to capture the moment where she finally decided to go after what she always wanted but was postponing to one day. One day I'll do it. One day I'll do it. And then right there and then, she was like, no. The time is now. And I could see the shift in her Nerds. And so I took a screen Growth, and I was like, let's save this.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:44]:
This this is an important turning point in your life. So that often happens, and what also happens is a client leaving a session and in the in the week after or in the month after, they do something really bold. Like, they go ask for a raise that's gonna give them the money to pursue their dream, or they finally have the courage to leave a relationship for a job that was sucking their soul dry. You might be very surprised what comes out for you in or after a session like this. So if you are longing for this clarity boost, go to self Growth nerds.com/boost, and you'll be able to book right there. You'll make the payment of $190, and then you'll be sent to my calendar to book the call. Okay. Let's get back to the 6 steps to end the pity party and get unstuck.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:36]:
Step 1 was to shock your system out of the self pity. Step 2 was to stop being dramatic and be honest about the ways in which you're unsatisfied about what you long for. Step 3 was making a list of what's required to get to where you want to be, and keep this one simple. The goal here is not to make, like, a a list of the, the 50 steps to get there. Now just a general idea of what's required, and not just logistically, but also psychologically. So the actions you're gonna need to take, but also the mental blocks you're going to need to overcome. Now step 4, You're going to reinforce step 3 by making a list of at least 10 reasons why you are capable of doing what you have outlined in step 3 or that you are capable of learning how to do what you have outlined in step 3. So if what you need to do is to get out of your house and go to events to make friends, make a list of all the reasons why you are are capable of doing this.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:47]:
And if what you need to do is learn how to better handle your fear of rejection, Make a list of the reasons why you are capable of learning that. Think about the obstacles you have overcome in the past, Achievements you are proud of. Situations you got yourself out of. People you have helped. Ways you might have surprised yourself. Did you do something you thought was impossible in the past? I'm sure you have. The part of you who's feeling self pity might think that This step is stupid, but I swear you gotta do it. What happens when we're having a pity party is we have forgotten How resourceful and brilliant and smart we are.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:33]:
So we just have to remind ourselves, and this is the purpose of this list. Step 5, you gotta figure out what you gain from self pity because one of the reasons it's so hard to get out of is because it's useful. So a part of you will do unconsciously, obviously, everything in its power to keep you there because it's fulfilling a need. So you need to find what need is being fulfilled by going into self pity and find a way to fulfill it differently, to fulfill it, in in a way that's in alignment with the life you want to create. What are you not giving yourself that leads to your unconscious mind compensating with self pity? Gonna give you examples. Maybe you don't give yourself enough rest time or enough me time. You're always busy. Always go, go, go, go, go.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:28]:
Always trying to be productive. Maybe not physically, but mentally. Maybe your mind is always going a 1000000 miles an hour. Maybe you don't listen to your soul or to your inner whispers, and you keep working towards goals that are not true to you, that are ego driven, that wanna prove something or improve your image. They don't come from your core. So self pity is the protest behavior of a part of you that is rebelling against this way of living, this way of living where you don't get enough rest or you don't listen to your truth. That rebellious part of you says we have had enough of being worked into the ground, of being ignored. We refuse to move forward.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:15]:
It's pouting. That's what the pity party is all about. Trying to get your attention. So what is it that you need to adjust for all the parts of you to be on board? You can't just beat yourself out of the self pity. You can't tell yourself, come on now, you lazy ass. It's been long enough. It might work for a while, but that part of you is going to come back because what you resist persists as the quote goes. It's like you're telling a part of you that they don't belong, but but that's just gonna lead to trouble later down the line.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:54]:
What we want is for all the parts of you to feel welcomed. But for that, they need to be listened to and worked with and collaborated with. That's what I talk about in the episode 152 called become a clear, calm, and confident inner leader. Okay. So once you have answered this question, figured out what need is being fulfilled with the self pity party and how you can replace that, at move to step number 6. Last but not least, step number 6 is to get into action. Now this could be a whole other podcast episode, so I'm going to keep it short. What's most important here is to start small and to keep it simple.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:41]:
We perfectionists love to overcomplicate and go from 0 to 100, to pack our week with a 1000000 things to do. But that will just send you right back into self pity because the mountain will be too hard to climb. It's just gonna create overwhelm. What we want is to make it easy, as easy as possible for you to wanna keep showing up. So you create momentum and you think, See? See, brain? I can do this. But you've got to lower the bar to be able to step over it. If the bar is so high, it takes too much energy for you to, like, jump over it. So just lower the bar down, down, down, down, down, down, down, down, so you can just step over it more easily.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:26]:
It seems counterintuitive for us High achievers. It seems stupid, but, I mean, you gotta be willing to feel stupid. What we want here is to rebuild Your trust with Self rebuild your empowerment so that you can feel like, oh, okay. Yes. I can do this. I got this. I got this, and then eventually, maybe you can eat bigger bites. What's the what's the saying? Pretty sure that's not the expression, but but I'm gonna leave it in here so that you can see I'm far from perfect.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:02]:
Now if getting into action doesn't involve taking A lot of small steps but actually involves taking a big leap, like leaving your relationship or quitting your job, Then what I wanna tell you is you're courageous. And, yes, it's going to be uncomfortable, so uncomfortable. I've been there. But the discomfort is the price to pay for the immense amount of comfort on the other side. I wouldn't call it comfort. I would call it peace and truth, and that feels so good. When you've been trying to fit into something that you have outgrown for so long, either a relationship or a workplace. When you get out of it, it's so scary, but you feel like yourself again.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:48]:
And there's a a euphoria that Comes with that, and it's worth paying the price of a scary jump. Okay? Now if you want help with any of this, I'm gonna reiterate what my 2 offers are. As always, you can book a discovery call with me. If you're interested in working together for a period of 4 months, maybe you have a big transition ahead of you and you know you need more support, or Starting today, you can book a one off session if what you need is just a shake and a boost of clarity. So if you wanna work together for a longer period of time, it's self Growth nerds.com/audacity. And if you want to sit together for 90 minutes and get really, really clear, then that's self Growth nerds.com/boost. Okay. So that's it for this week.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:28:43]:
The, the 6 steps to end the pity party and get unstuck are 1, shock your system out of it. 2, take back the control by being really honest and neutral about the ways in which you're unsatisfied. Step 3, make a list of what's required to get to where you wanna be. Step 4, Make a list. I'm asking you to make a lot of lists. Lists are great. Make a list of at least 10 reasons why you're capable of doing what you've outlined. Step 5, figure out what it is that this self pity is serving.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:29:22]:
What do you gain from it? What need is it fulfilling so that you can find a different, more, helpful way to fulfill that Nerds? And finally, step 6, get into action. You can do this. Alright. Lots of love to you all, and, I'll talk to you next week. Bye. If you love what you're hearing on the Self Girl Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life in developing the courage to make your dreams a reality. You have to check out how we can work together on self growth nerds .com, or message me on Instagram at self growth nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:30:09]:
So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.