Episode 155 - Overcoming the Fear of Failure
Don't let fear confine you to a life smaller than your potential. Join me as we explore the underlying reasons behind our aversion to risk and our tendency to seek comfort in the familiar. In this episode, I share 3 actionable steps to transform your perception of failure and cultivate resilience along the way. Unlock the path to a life brimming with genuine meaning and fulfillment. Tune in now to break free from the grip of fear and embark on a journey of growth.
Topics
Consequences of living a life governed by fear.
Why people fear failure.
Skewed definition of failure.
The impact of conditioning from childhood on one's relationship with failure.
Rewiring response to failure through gaining awareness of conditioning.
Challenging conditioned beliefs and subscribing to a new perspective
Acting in alignment with real values despite discomfort.
Links
👉 In need of support overcoming fear? Book a Free Discovery Call👈
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019. I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm good. I'm really excited about today's topic.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:46]:
We're talking about fear of failure. I think fear failure gets in the way of living your most fulfilling life, so it's a very, very important subject to dig into for me. Before we do, before we put our goggles on and jump into the pool, I wanna share that I have a few spots left to work with me 1 on 1. If you've been feeling frustrated a lot, if you Feel like you're living your life half heartedly, if you feel like you've outgrown your current circumstances, whether it be your career, your relationship, Let's talk. Let's talk, and I'll ask you a bunch of questions about where you are, where you're getting stuck, and let you know if I think I can help you. If not, I'll refer you to someone else. But if I can, I'll tell you more about how, my services work and give you all the information for you to make an empowered decision. So just go to self growth nerds.com/audacity, and you'll be able to book a free discovery call there.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:54]:
And I can't wait to meet you. Okay. Today, we are going to talk about fear of failure. 1st, we're gonna talk about the consequences of a life that is governed by that fear. Second, we're gonna talk about why You fear failure so much. And 3rd, we're gonna talk about how you can overcome that fear. Or not overcome that fear, but get back behind the wheel. So the fear is always gonna be there, but instead of being the driver, it's gonna be sitting next to you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:25]:
Okay? We're gonna talk about how to do that. So what I see most often in my discovery calls is that you feel dissatisfied with your life because you've created a safe life. It's like you live in a four sided pool with your sweet cocktails. That's great, but also kind of boring. Like, imagine you go to, like, a a resort. You'd have a blast in the pool for maybe a week or two, but then You've seen it all. You get tired of going in circles and sipping the same cocktails. You've tried all the cocktails on the menu, and There's only so much satisfaction that, like, a pina colada can bring you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:13]:
So you look out at the ocean, which is a bigger body of water, and you wonder what would be possible for you to experience there. Long for the thrill of riding a surfboard or going on a grand sailboat adventure with a crew of sexy sailors, but you never venture into the ocean because you're scared. What if there was a shark attack? What if there was a big storm? And so you always convince yourself to stay in the pool because you're you're afraid you cannot cope with the potential dangers of the ocean. And so you're experiencing this never ending internal conflict between, I'm bored here in this pool, but I cannot go into the ocean because there's too too much risk. But what happens is that by trying to avoid the intense discomfort of risk taking. You also end up avoiding the intense feelings of joy, purpose, aliveness that come with the same risk taking. The mindfulness teacher Corey Mascara writes that, quote, you often need to feel your sadness completely before your system will let you feel joy. Joy is a byproduct of not resisting your inner world.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:04:33]:
I'm gonna give you actual examples. Let's say you were approached to lead a big project at work. You say no because you might fail, and you might make a fool of yourself. Sure. You might skip the embarrassment, but you also skip the fulfillment that might come from working towards Something you really care about. Something challenging that's gonna force you to to to, level up. Yes. You might suck.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:05]:
You might have to experience the, ego bruising feelings of being a beginner, But you also might surprise yourself with what you're capable of. 1 comes with the other. You cannot have 1. Can You cannot just have the good without being open to the ugly. Another example. Let's say you know deep down or you get the sense that You might be queer or that you might be into kink or nonmonogamy or anything else that's outside social Nerds, But you don't tell anyone because you don't want people to judge you. You maybe don't want to lose the privileges that come with being straight and being in a monogamous marriage. So you keep the peace.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:52]:
It's a lot more comfortable. It's easier to fit in, But you have to live with the discomfort of hiding important parts of you. You have to live with the heaviness of holding up a facade. You have to sacrifice living life as your true self, and you don't get to experience what that could be like. The fulfillment and the freedom that might come from this. One last example. Let's say you're unhappy in your relationship. You're stagnating.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:25]:
Your Nerds not really interested in growing or in changing anything, but you stay because you're scared to end up alone, and you don't want to go through the hassle of having to find another place to live. Sure. You make your life easier. It's more, quote, unquote, stable in a way, but you might not get to discover The deep connection you could have with someone who wants to grow in a relationship, who prioritizes growth and intentionality just like you. You don't get to experience that because you're not willing to go through the discomfort that would be necessary in order to get there. One of my clients said something really wise the other day. We were talking about something challenging she needed to do, And she said, there will be a lot of pain, but I know that eventually there will be a lot of peace on the other side, and that's exactly it. One thing I do with my clients is help them expand their capacity for big discomfort, which also expands their capacity for big joy.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:31]:
Now let's talk about why you're not willing right now to feel this big discomfort. There's 2 main reasons. 1 is that you have a skewed definition of failure. We're gonna talk about that. And the the second reason is that you your relationship with yourself when you do, quote, unquote, fail is really, really harsh. The way you talk to yourself is so harsh that your unconscious is not going to let You do anything where you could risk failure because it's going to lead to too much inner criticism. But let's first dig into the first reason, your skewed definition of failure. Right now, you are afraid of failure because you equate failure with worthlessness.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:21]:
If I'm going to fail, it means I am bad. It means something about my character as a human being, about my worth. But the way I see failure now, and that definition has changed my life. You're welcome to borrow it, is that failure is just a brief point on the journey. Failure is a teacher. It tells you what doesn't work, and it gives you more information about what could potentially work. Everything extraordinary has come with an immense amount of failure. All the, Inventions that we use today came after lots of trial and error.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:04]:
The Beatles, before they became The Beatles, They spent hours and hours and hours and hours figuring things out and not being that good. Everything extraordinary has come with an immense amount of failure. There's no such thing as an overnight success. You're not entitled to getting anything right the 1st time or the 2nd time. And I know that stories in the media make us think In that kind of story, that's just not reality. It's story. I wholeheartedly believe that the, first step of living a truly fulfilling life is for you to make piece with failure. Owning that, yes, you will fail, and that is okay.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:54]:
That is almost the goal. When I was learning lead climbing lead climbing for those of you who don't know is when, you're not your rope is not attached at the top of the wall. You're basically attaching the rope to the wall as you climb. And when you fall, it's really scary. So the place where I was doing my, my classes, one of the main things they had us do is fall again and again and again and again so that Our brains would get used to it and wouldn't be terrified as we climbed up so that our brains would integrate. Oh, okay. The the the rope eventually catches me. I I don't die when I fall.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:36]:
It creates a different anchor in your brain that allows you to focus on the climb. And that's what you have to do in in life as well. You have to put yourself in a situation where you can fail. You have to actually fail and see that you can cope with feelings of sadness and disappointment. That clean pain is not going to kill you. What will feel like it's going to, quote, unquote, kill you, and the reason why many people try to avoid Failure at all cost is dirty pain. Dirty pain is the suffering that comes from the stories you tell yourself about what failure means about you as a human being and about how worthy you are. And that's the second reason Why you're so afraid of failure? How you react about what you perceive as a failure is going to determine the risk you're willing to tolerate.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:39]:
The stories you believe in the way you talk to yourself when you make a mistake. Do you tell yourself, well, you tried your best. That's okay. You can learn from this and keep going. Even if it's a lot of time and energy and money wasted, that's okay. We can learn and move on. Or do you tell yourself you're so stupid? You should have known this was not going to work. How shameful.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:05]:
You're not good enough for this, and I and and and how silly of you to think that you were. There's a big difference. Right? Same circumstance, different inner monologue. Some of this comes from your temperament, but a lot a lot was integrated into you as a child. If your parents or teachers or the people around you In your culture encouraged mistakes, you'll be more likely to be comfortable with them today. However, if they punished mistakes, You'll be more likely to be scared of them today. And if your subconscious knows you will beat yourself up in the event of a failure, It's not going to let you do something that might end up in a failure. It it's it's a way to protect you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:50]:
Luckily, though, you can rewire all of that. The way you respond to failure today is not fixed. You can rewire your response. It's not easy, but it's doable. It's just 3 steps. The first step is to gain awareness of what you've been conditioned to believe about mistakes, about taking risks, about failure as you were growing up, and to see the ways in which it's impacting you today. Can that can be very subtle. You wanna get really curious about your programming about how you've been programmed just like a computer.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:35]:
What's the code? Failure equals what, and what does that create as a result? Step 2 is to get curious about those conditioned beliefs. Do you wanna keep believing them, or do you wanna unsubscribe? Poke at them and ask yourself if they're really true, if something else might be true. How do other people think about this? People who maybe are doing what you dream of doing, how would they think about the same thing? Step 2 is also about asking yourself what you really value. So you might have been conditioned to live very fearfully, But actually, you really value living courageously. And then step 3 is to act in alignment with your real values Even though it feels unnatural, in step 3, you've got to learn to regulate your nervous system so that you can sit with the cognitive dissonance of acting in accordance to your values instead of acting in accordance with your automatic programming. And you've got to do that enough, enough repetitions to do enough repetitions that it becomes your new normal. I'm gonna repeat the 3 steps, and these steps are really challenging to do on your own. That's what I do with my clients all the time.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:02]:
It's challenging to do on your own for the simple reason that a fish cannot see the water it swims in. So it's helpful to have someone else point out your blind spots, and it's helpful to have someone else offer new perspectives. Step 1, you have to gain awareness of your automatic programming. Step 2, you've got to start challenging That programming. To start making the difference between, okay, what you've been taught to believe, what's been integrated into you, and what you actually believe, What actually matters to you? How you actually want to live your life? And then step 3, and that's most people are stuck not most people. Most self aware people who listen to podcasts like this one are stuck between step 23. They may have done a lot of work in therapy. They know about their relationship to failure.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:57]:
They understand where it comes from, and yet they cannot act differently. The Nerds step It's to act in alignment with what you really value even though it feels uncomfortable. That's where I help you expand your capacity for discomfort. That's where I help you move through it. The only way out is through, and it requires repetition just like when you go to the gym. You you lift the weights and it feels painful until it doesn't anymore. But are you willing to experience the pain? Goes back to what I was telling you at the beginning. If you're willing to experience the pain And to keep lifting the weights.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:41]:
Eventually, it's gonna become your new normal. And it's not just about willingness. There's the willingness to be uncomfortable, but there's also trust that you can cope with the discomfort. And that trust is built by increments, by saying, you know what? Let me try. Let me try to lift this small weight. Let me try to be with the pain a little longer that than I would usually do. And what also helps build trust It's to surround yourself with people who can help you lift the weight better. Sometimes you're gonna lift the weight in a very clumsy way because you You just don't know how to position yourself.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:24]:
And so it's gonna be, like, 2 times more painful than it needs to be Unless you have the humility to say, okay. Let me talk with someone. Let me, seek help from someone who knows how to lift that weight, who can tell me how to position myself so that it's not as hard. That person can also be there alongside you not only to teach you How to lift, but also to encourage you. Because they've gone through the pain and they know what's on the other side, they know that you can do it. They know that you can cope. They believe more than you do. That's my job with my clients.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:04]:
I believe they can move through the pain so much more then they do. So I hold the belief until they meet me there. Until they tell me, oh my god, Marie. I did it. It worked. Here I am. Okay? And then we keep going. Now let me go through the 3 steps I outlined with a specific example.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:26]:
Let's imagine an aspiring writer who's always dreamed of writing a book. What's their name? Their name is Bubby? Bubby. Okay. Bubby always wanted to write a book, but they don't because they're scared they're not Good enough, and then if the book comes out and everyone thinks it's shit, they will be ashamed. That, my friends, is making a decision based on the fear of dirty pain. Dirty pain is optional. Like we talked about earlier, it is rooted in a limiting narrative that you have integrated. That person, Bobby? Bobby is stuck in a self imposed cage.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:13]:
Step 1 It's for Bobby to see that they've been conditioned to believe that it's bad to be seen trying, that it's bad to let other people see your imperfections, that being imperfect is going to lead to rejection, maybe, to humiliation, to abandonment. So they're going to do only stuff they know they can succeed at, only stuff that's going to get them approval and validation. That might mean never trying anything new or never trying anything, that goes against social norms. 1st step is being aware of that that programming and how it is governing their life, what they avoid doing because of the unconscious programming. So bringing that unconscious programming into consciousness. Step 2, Bobbie has to look at those beliefs and wonder. Is that the only perspective? Is that what I truly believe in my heart? Is that what I believe when a friend makes a mistake? When a friend loses their job, do I think they're worthless? What do I actually believe? Bubby might say, actually, no. I think it's human to make mistakes.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:39]:
I think it's okay to suck at something. I think we're just trying things out. I think it's a a way to learn, and there's nothing wrong with that. And then the step 3 is where Bobby actually offers themself the the grace they would offer a friend. Step 3 is when Bobby starts living in accordance with their values. And that is hard because you're going against Your automatic programming against years of conditioning. You're like a fish going against the current, like a salmon going upstream. That's how you start living a life of your own.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:20]:
That's how you start living a life you're proud of. And I can hear you say, oh, yeah, Marie. I know. I know that. Of course, it's easy to say, hard to do. And, yes, obviously, that's why this step is where you need to surround yourself with support because your willingness is not going to be enough. Your willingness to go against the current is not gonna be enough. You're gonna get tired.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:46]:
That's where you need a team of people, and you need new tools. That's where Bobby might start working, with a writing coach or might join a writing program, might start, making friends with other writers, People who are going to help him believe that this makes sense, that this is okay, that we're all in this together, failing together, failing and getting up again and failing and getting up again. Instead of Bobby being surrounded by other people who say, oh, Just I mean, give up. You've tried. You've tried. It's time to give up. No. This is not the people that Bobby needs to be surrounded by right now.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:31]:
Bobby doesn't need to be surrounded by people who are just doing, going to work, hating their job, complaining about life. That that's just going to bring Bobby down. Okay? Starting to feel silly talking about Bobby. If you want the plant to grow, to bloom, it needs to be in nurturing soil. If if if it's in the same old pot, in the same old environment, it's not gonna It's not gonna thrive. You've got to if you want to change the results in your life, you've got to change your environment. And I I I don't mean completely change. I'm not telling you to ditch your friends and move abroad and no.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:20]:
That's not what I'm saying. But you've got to look around and ask, okay, what do I need? What kind of support do I need that I don't have right now? And, yes, it's gonna be about the people, but it's also going to be about the tools that you add to your, arsenal. That's what I help my clients with. I give them tools to not only manage their time, but also to manage their mind, manage their feelings, tools that can help them see and rewire their beliefs, Tools that can help them go into self compassion more quickly. Tools that can help them shift their critical inner monologue into a more encouraging one. So that's it for today. We talked about the consequences of living a life governed by a fear of failure. We talked about why you fear failure.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:16]:
It's because of your definition of failure and also How you talk to yourself, the dirty pain, when you actually fail or when you just not Not even when you fail, but when you consider failing, when you just think about it. And lastly, we talked about how to overcome that so that you can Live a life that you're the leader of, that you're the conscious leader of, a life that you are proud of, that is meaningful to you, that is in alignment with your values, that is not governed by your feelings, that is governed by your heart, and what really matters to you. Really passionate about this. If you wanna do this work, book a call with me. I'll let you know if I can help you, your specific situation. Go to self growth nerds.com/audacity, and you'll be able to book a call there. You'll have access to my calendar, pick a date and a time that works for you. We'll chat, and I cannot wait to meet you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:19]:
And otherwise, I'm wishing you all a beautiful week, and, talk to you next week. Okay. Bye. Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the Self growth Nerds podcast mass, and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, you have to check out, how we can work together on self growth Nerds or message me on Instagram at self growth nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, Don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.