Episode 156 - Authentic Sexual Expression
Unshaming and celebrating our sexuality is an essential step of self-acceptance. In this deeply personal episode, I share my story of sexual liberation while also exploring the societal pressures that often repress sexual expression and how overcoming these can lead to personal growth and fulfillment. We dive into 3 books that helped me shift my limited perspectives and own my true desires — "Sex Outside the Lines" by Chris Donaghue, "Boyslut" by Zachary Zane, and "Pleasure Activism" by Adrienne Maree Brown.
Topics
Encouraging pride in sexual pleasure
Challenging societal boundaries and norms
Redefining normal in relationships and sexual expression
Criticizing societal views on polyamory and monogamy
Traditional marriage views and providing solutions for uplifting relationships
Critique of medicalization of sexual function issues and labels
Emphasis on breaking free from sexual shame
Importance of safety and due diligence when exploring sexual desires
Exploring sexual desires through apps
Finding belonging in a community of sexually open and ethically-minded individuals
Power of honesty and open communication in relationships
Importance of shameless living, especially in relation to sexuality and asking for what one wants.
Links
👉 I can help you find the courage to honor your deeper desires, Book a FREE Discovery Call Now!👈
Resources
📚Books:
🎙️Podcast:
🎞️Movie:
📱Apps:
Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019. I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm good. This episode is the most exciting and terrifying one to publish.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:50]:
I was lying in bed last night after outlining the episode thinking, Okay. But, you know, who's gonna listen to this? What's going to be the consequences of me opening up so much? How much should that I share how much should I keep for Self. And I want to, In this episode today, share my story and also share 3 books that helped me and why. I wanna dig into these 3 books, and, it's going to be a really powerful one. The reason why I want to tell my story is, even though it scares the hell out of me, is because I don't align with how taboo sex is in our society. It's Such an important part of self acceptance, and I believe sexual expression should be celebrated instead of kept quiet. And I always say that my job is to show up as my most courageous true self to help you give yourself the permission to do so as well. So it would be hypocritical of me to Let social conditioning win here.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:13]:
There is so much sexual shame out there, and sexual shame makes people feel stiff and stuck within themselves. It stops people from connecting to their whole Self, And this repression of the true self can lead to depression, and it can also lead to outbursts of anger. I'm not an expert, but I'd be willing to bet that a lot of sexual crimes are fueled by internalized shame, and shame breeds in the shadows. It's Kind of like vampires. Shame doesn't survive in the light. That's why I want to talk openly about how I explore my sexuality to show you that it's okay, that there's nothing wrong with your desires, and we can have a conversation about them. That is just part of who you are. Now before I jump in, I just wanna say because sometimes when I tell my friends about my latest adventures, I've had some of them say, oh my god.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:20]:
I feel so boring sitting next to you, but you're not boring if what I'm into is not interesting to you. There's nothing that's cool or not cool. Authentic sexual expression is about just being true to you. If that means having lots of sex, great. If that means having no sex at all, grade 2 and everything in between. Okay? I want you to really keep that in mind before I jump in. So my story, I didn't have any sexual trauma growing up, luckily. And if you have, I urge you to Seek therapy because you deserve to heal.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:57]:
So I didn't have any sexual trauma, but I did Growth up in a heterosexual society or a society that valued heterosexuality above everything else and always kind of assume that that's how it's done. Even though I've been curious just about exploring with people other than men. I never really knew how, and it was just easier for me to stick to the beaten path. And still today, I feel awkward about flirting with women because I've just been conditioned to act a certain way as a woman when I approach a man or a man approaches me. I mean, I had hours and hours and hours of romantic comedies and books to teach me. So now when I am interested in someone who's not a man, it's I feel like a 12 year old teenager. I have to redefine all of that. Same thing with relationship models.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:01]:
I always just thought Monogamy is the way. But in the last few years, I in 2017, a movie came out called doctor Marston and the wonder women, and it's based on a true story, of a, a man and his wife who met this other woman, and they fell in love with her. They formed a, a throuple. They had, I think, 3 kids. They just were like a regular family living in the suburbs, but they got, discriminated a lot because I think it was in the sixties, fifties, sixties, seventies. I'm not too sure. I loved that movie so much. And also the book at the end edge of normal, which is similar.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:43]:
It's a a man who moves in with a a couple and falls in love with the woman, and they all All kinda live the 3 of them together. But I saw these stories as something other people did. Like, wow. So interesting. Just like the Pacific Crest Trail. Like, oh, so interesting that people through hike. Just like, how I saw coaching before. Like, oh, coaching's such an interesting universe, but never considering that, oh, I I could step into that universe as well until I left my relationship almost 1 year ago, my 7 year long relationship.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:23]:
And after going through a really rough month, I read the book Existential Kick. And I've talked about this book in a previous episode. But, basically, the the main concept is that the the parts of you you don't like. What you're trying to change about you actually represents something that you deeply desire, that you unconsciously desire, but won't open up to. And for me, what came up, it came up Not what came up. I should say it came down because it felt like, this download from the universe that came down into me. I was sitting on the sofa one day with my journal, and I just had to write these things down. And when I say these things, I mean, it was a very specific fantasy, very specific desire.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:21]:
And I'm not gonna go into details, But let's say it included more than 1 person and an interest in BDSM. BDSM, for those of you who don't know, is the world of bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, and more kinky stuff. So after, having that download, the first thing that I did is I went on the app field. I've told you about that app before without naming it. I I wanted to to name it, but my, My assistant, Franz, who edits this podcast, she she removed it as a way to protect me, but now I want I'm intentional. I want to tell you about field as an app because I think it's the numb number one place to explore without having to act on your desires. And that's what was super interesting for me is you can get into conversations with people. Everyone on field is super open minded and has different, kinky desires.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:26]:
So you can get into conversations with people on the app and tell them exactly what you want. I went on the app and owned my desires and talked about them with people, And that helped me normalize them in my own mind because I was receiving positive responses, And just that was a super important step in unshaming my sexual Self. And there's no pressure at all. You don't have to act. You don't have to meet anyone in real life. You can just have conversations. But for me, personally, it was not long, I would say, less than a week before I started meeting people in real life. Now when you start meeting people, make sure you do your due diligence of reading about safety.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:13]:
If, for example, you're looking for a dom, so someone who's dominant sexually, Read about fake dongs. They're out there. And if someone in a text conversation makes you feel weird, trust that gut instinct. If someone's trying to rush you, that's a no. Urgency is a big, big, big red flag. So I started meeting people. I only met good people with wild and ethical sexual lives and regular lives on the side as well. I had so much in common with them in terms of values.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:51]:
They're open minded, curious with a lot of depth. They really care about caring, honest communication about growth, and I really found myself to belong in this community of sexually open people. Had varied experiences with them. Made new friends. I've been going to what we we could call play parties, and it's been Really enjoyable to to to explore. I'm right in the middle of it. It's just gonna keep going. So now we're going to jump into 3 books that helped me on the journey of finding what is my authentic sexual expression.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:38]:
1st book is Sex Outside the Lines by doctor Chris Donahue. Not sure how you pronounce his name. I found the book, super randomly when I was in Burlington for my birthday with my friend, Audrey. We went to, used book bookstore. We're just sitting down because there was, it was pouring rain outside. We sat down in the aisle, the the sex aisle. We just sat down on the floor and looked at a bunch of books, and this one jumped out. Note please note that the book Shares the author shares very radical views.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:15]:
It's a therapist who strangely hates a lot of psychotherapy. So take some, leave the rest, take it with a grain of salt. Personally, I, didn't agree with everything that he said, but overall, I loved the book and will definitely reread it in the future. What the book asks is why is it that sex is so often deemed inappropriate and considered something we must keep private or even ignore. The author wants you to, quote, not only explore your capacity for pleasure, but to be proud of it and to take a look at how you could be living. He writes, quote, often people don't encourage sexual creativity in their partners instead looking to notions of normal to define boundaries. Attempts to marry and monogamize a sexual partner stem from the anxious drive to regulate anxiety, not what's emotionally healthy, end quote. Of course, you can be healthy and monogamous, But when I witnessed the popular narrative of women saying things like, just waiting for my ring.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:29]:
Where's my ring? To me, I find that it comes from a place of control much more than love. There can also be control in open relationships. We we've all heard stories of people whose partner decided to open up the relationship without the other person's genuine consent. The other person just feels forced into it. At the end of the day, Chris, the author, explains that truly healthy sex is, quote, a personal choice divorced from inherited morals and the values of the current culture. Not just healthy sex, but healthy relationships, I would say. For example, if you're in a group of polyamorous friends and you force yourself to be as well even though it's not aligned with what you want, then it's not healthy. Basically, what this book advocates for is for us to loosen up our definition of normal when it comes to sex in relationships.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:32]:
Right now, the the general view society has of people who have more than 1 sexual partner is that they're weird, they're insatiable, even obscene depending on who you talk to, perverts. Except that, like I I was saying earlier, the people I've met on this journey are some of the most balanced mentally and some of the most emotionally intelligent people I've met in my life. To this effect, the author says, quote, there is psychological brilliance in those who do not internalize cultural norms and instead create their own paths of growth, end quote. I agree so much with that. Of course, like I said, not everyone is safe. There are predators and wounded people to be mindful of everywhere no matter what your sexual preferences are. What I just shared is from the first 10 pages of the book. And then I went on to underline half of the rest of the book.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:34]:
So I cannot summarize it right here and now, but I'm gonna give you 3 more tasters. In the chapter, the fantasy of marriage, He talks about the problems that this structure causes, how we try to fit 2 humans into a prefabricated shape instead of damn cocreating their own shape together. He also shares his opinion about how outdated it is that the government gets to decide what is a relationship and what is not a relationship and who gets privileges based on that definition. That makes me so angry. In that chapter, he talks about the the problems with the limited concept of soulmates and the fantasy based notions that we will be completed by an another and be together forever and ever and ever. Now don't worry. He doesn't just point out the problems with marriage. He's not against marriage.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:34]:
He also gives a bunch of solutions about How you can uplift your relationship, how you can add, more creativity between you and your partner If you are married or if you are in a long term relationship, you can redefine what it means for you. In the chapter, the myth of sexual dysfunction, he talks about how some of the diagnostics that are given by doctors are attempts to, quote, pathologize diversity. For example, he says, and that made me laugh, quote, a woman's low sexual desire, Just currently diagnosable as a disorder could be nothing more than a healthy response to the fact that she's dating an asshole, end quote. He also touched on erectile dysfunction. He says, quote, Insurance companies favor dispensing pills to augmenting psychological treatment. These medications give men robust erections that leave them in toxic relationships that include sex that is not worth being erect for in the 1st place, end quote. Now don't get this wrong. He's not saying that all cases of erectile dysfunctions are due to unhealthy relationships.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:54]:
No. He's just saying that we need to be more curious, and it's not always medical. Sometimes it It has to do with your environment and how you might not be in integrity with your true self. In the chapter, no identity, gender, or sexual orientation, he talks about how we should strive for a world that's exactly that, a world in which there's no identity, gender, or sexual orientation. How we are too fluid as human beings to put ourselves in boxes. He writes that, quote, language constructs our psychology and our self representation, end quote. So we have to be careful. I know some of you have found a lot of freedom in a label, but he argues that labels also create a form of oppression.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:48]:
To me, labels are useful in a society like the one we have to find each other and to advocate for our rights, but in a a world where sexual expression is celebrated, where we are safe to to be who we are. Labels wouldn't be needed as much. He quotes a a paper from 1996 called the invention of heterosexuality that reads, quote, the the word heterosexual, like the word homosexual, is simply a scientific adjective historically and socially immature, less than a 150 years old, in fact. And part of It's part of modernity's quest for order and rationality over the chaotic and irrational body, end quote. Again, it's an attempt to control instead of explore the nature of the changing beings that we are. There are sections about how nature is queer and how arousal is a constellation. That gives you an idea about the author's vision. And if that's something you resonate with, If you find that's a beautiful vision to strive towards as much as I do, then go and read the book.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:09]:
The second Nerds Boy Slut by Zachary Zane. As the title says, Zachary is a slut. He's also a columnist who has gathered in this book a bunch of essays about life as a bi man and embracing sex without shame. He shares lots and lots of stories, funny and crude, and it's a very humorous book that has the same mission as the last one, but just a different tone. Early on in the book, he talks about a moment in his childhood where he was sitting with his therapist, and he told the the man that he felt really bad, but that he imagined people naked and just couldn't stop. His therapist told him that there is nothing bad about it, and the thoughts would not stop until He believed that until he believed that there was nothing bad about the thoughts. Basically, what we resist persists. That's why I love to do on shaming work with my clients because when you believe nothing makes you bad, Like, you might have been told in your childhood by religion or a parent or whatever, then then you break down the barriers and you are free to discover what's on the other side and what's your you what what you are drawn towards when there are no areas that you cannot go.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:38]:
Zachary writes, quote, I wonder what would have happened if I wasn't led to believe that expressing myself with another man was wrong. What would happen if we allowed all children not to be manacled by sexual shame at such an early age? We would have significantly healthier romantic and sexual relationships. We would be more open in discussing our sex lives with our partners, addressing what we want sexually and what we don't feel comfortable doing. This would likely cause a drop in infidelity and divorce rates. More people would come out as queer. Hello, plummeting rates of alcoholism, depression, anxiety, and suicide. We would also collectively be more open to ethical nonmonogamy because we would realize that for many, it's unrealistic for 1 person to satisfy All are sexual needs. And, of course, there would be less slut shaming, which has been a tool to socially maim the value and control women specifically, end quote.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:38]:
Wow. Like, can we take a moment? Can we take a moment to absorb how powerful that I've often told myself when I'm in a sexual context with 2 or more people, Like, wow. This feels so normal and so natural to me. I feel alive. I feel connected to something bigger than Self. And there's cognitive dissonance here because on one side, you've got my lived experience, And on the other side, you have the cultural belief that this should all be taboo. This should be kept quiet. This should be something I'm ashamed of.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:19]:
There's also cognitive dissonance as I share this with you because on one side, it's important for me to share this. Like I was telling you earlier, we so we can normalize different ways to express our sexuality. I wanna be part of that work. And on the other side, I can hear my mom telling me to be quiet about this because I could get in trouble. Thank fucking god I cannot be fired because I'm my own boss. Because if I was working, the there's a bunch of you that that are working for Companies where if you were caught talking like this publicly, you would get fired. How infuriating is that? Anyway, there's something he writes in the book that lit me up. He writes, quote, there's one thing in particular I do better than the vast majority of the population.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:14]:
Live shamelessly. I'm shameless when I have sex. I'm shameless when I ask for raises. I'm shameless when I ask for what I want, end quote. This is what I aspire to personally and the work I do with my clients as well. This is why I love my job so much because I help people come out of their shell. People I help people unshame themselves. I had a a client come in and thinking about leaving her marriage, but she felt ashamed because she that has kids and society tells us that a mom who leaves her family, who breaks the family, is a bad one.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:54]:
You should suck it up. You should be happy with what you have, and you should put your kids first. I call BS. You get to decide what a good mom is. And to me, a good mom is one who prioritizes her own joy while also taking care of her kids. It's not either or. Both are possible, and there are plenty of models out there. That client, she decided to leave to explore her sexuality, she told me that she felt super happy for doing so.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:28]:
Now her kids get to have a super happy mom instead of one who is stuck in a self imposed cage. And, of course, she's not gonna be happy all the time. It's a path that has its own challenges. But as long as it's a a path that you have chosen, That's what's inspiring and courageous to me. In the book, Zachary writes, quote, only once you have become shameless Can you start being truly fulfilled and happy? End quote. That is so, so true. That's what I've witnessed with myself, and that's what I witness with my clients as well. Okay.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:02]:
We need to go to the next book before this podcast turns into the Titanic movie. But before we do, I'm gonna share Podcast snippet. Zachary says this makes me laugh. Zachary says that, quote, poly people are just a bunch of horny Nerds, and I love the term. If you identify as a horny nerd or an aspiring horny nerd, Go get the book and enjoy. I'm thinking maybe I should start another podcast that's called, horny nerds that focuses on sex. Let me know your thoughts. And you know what? I just wanna say quickly before we move on.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:44]:
You might not feel horny, and you might not have felt horny in a long time, and that doesn't mean you're not a herni nerd deep down. You might just be one who is not currently expressing their Self their sexuality authentically. Once you start feeling safe to show up as your true sexual self, watch out for the wild beast that might come out. That's what happened to me, and that's what might happen to you as well. Okay. Now the last 1 is my favorite on Pleasure Activism, The Politics of Feeling Good by Adrienne Maree Brown. This is genius. I won't be able to do this book justice here.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:28]:
So I'll just try to convince you to go read it. Adrienne brings a social justice lens to sex and to feeling good and pleasure. On the back cover, she asked these questions. How do we make social justice the most pleasurable human experience? How can we awaken within ourselves desires that make it impossible to settle for anything less than a fulfilling life? This book is a series of essays written by Adrienne herself and other feminist thinkers. They talk about decolonizing pleasure and how Owning your central self is a form of political resistance, a way to rebel against capitalism and patriarchy and all of these oppressive systems. She writes, quote, these pages are a space to ask shameless questions, to love what we love and explore why we love it, to increase the pleasure we feel when we are doing things that are good for the species and the planet, to cultivate our interest in radical love and pleasure and to nourish the orgasmic yes in each of us, end quote. This one goes way beyond sex. It's more about a connection to your body and all of your senses to be more in tune with our core and with each other.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:27:44]:
She said that feminists like Audre Lorde and Toni Cade Bambara helped her look at her life and asked, quote, what would I be doing with my time and energy if I made decisions based on a feeling of deep, erotic, orgasmic yes, end quote. That to me is true liberation. One of the first texts in the book is uses of the erotic by Audre Lorde, which was written in 1978. Lorde writes that, quote, as women, we have come to distrust that power which rises from our deepest and nonrational knowledge, end quote. This makes so much sense. Just think about witch hunts as one example of how we've been taught to stay quiet. When we're deeply connected to ourselves and to each other, we feel empowered. Think about the wild beast I mentioned earlier that might come out of you.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:28:41]:
That is power, and pow that power is a threat to existent power structures, hence why all the efforts to tame it. Audre Lorde says that one of the reasons the erotic is feared is that once we know how good we can feel, we stop accepting oppression and start to demand more. We refuse to settle for the convenient, the conventional, the safe. And that that's just 1 essay. There's another essay called love as political resistance written by Adrienne herself. Adrienne, Adrienne. Not sure how you say it. I filled in the margins with yes and fuck yes and a bunch of exclamation marks.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:29:23]:
She writes, quote, we learn to shrink, the lie about the whole love we need, settling with not quite good enough in order not to be alone. We have to engage in an intentional practice of honesty to counter this socialization. We need radical honesty, learning to speak from our root systems about how we feel and what we want. Speak our needs and listen to others' needs. To say, I need to hear that you miss me. When you're high all the time, it's hard for me to feel your presence. I lied. The way you talked to that man made me feel unseen.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:30:01]:
Your jealousy makes me feel like an object and not a partner. The result of this kind of speech is that our lives begin to align with our longings, and our lives become a building block for authentic community and, ultimately a society that is built around true need and real people, not fake news and bullshit norms, end quote. Oh my god. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. This makes me want to cry of joy.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:30:28]:
That's what I practice myself and with my clients, clear, honest communication, free from self judgment and the judgment of others. Instead of speaking from a wound, instead of speaking through a lens of socialization, we speak from our soul. We speak from our heart and to the other person's heart. Equal to equal, we speak truth. The other day, I was on a on a date with someone. And while I would usually just try and stick around long enough not to upset them, I just said, when I felt like going home listen. Guess what I said? I said you're not gonna believe this. I said to them, I think I'm gonna go home.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:13]:
It was early. It was early in the evening. I was not interested. I just said, thank you for the evening. I think I'm gonna go home. That would have felt awful back then. No. Actually, I it felt awful.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:31:25]:
It felt awful, but now I've increased my tolerance to the discomfort. It was uncomfortable, but it was true. I was showing up for myself. And when your inner child knows that you're gonna show up for them, it starts being braver, starts doing more things because it knows that if it doesn't work or whatever happens, you're gonna be there for them. That strengthens your relationship with yourself. The other person was disappointed, but so what? Like, Glennon Doyle says in her book Untamed, We should make it our mission to disappoint others so we'd never disappoint ourselves. Something like that. It's not it's something along those lines.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:32:11]:
Now let's go back to pleasure activism. A book goes on and gives us 5 tangible tools of a pleasure activist. Adrienne and her guests talk about period sex, nipples, casual sex, kink, sex work, squirting, strategic celibacy, Drugs, being trans, being a black woman, being fat, being old, pole dancing, doing burlesque, finding pleasure after sexual abuse and so much more. I'm gonna go back to this bible again and again. For now, though, I will leave you with 3 final gems. K? And then that's gonna be it. Number 1. In her essay, feelings from within.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:32:54]:
She talks about somatics. For those of us who tend to live in the head and intellectualize everything, Cultivating more connection with our bodies is so important. I keep pulling cards for myself recently who say I need to surrender to the feminine and make love to life. That's what this whole journey is about, and it's impacting the work I do with clients. I I used to get my clients to set specific goals and make plans and stick to the plan. Now I feel like having a strict plan is a weak replacement for a connection to their intuition and a strong self trust. Now I'm a lot more interested in helping them connect to what Adrian calls their true center. She writes, quote, I began to feel my true center, my center of gravity, the center of my being.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:33:47]:
It was a place inside myself that was a as vast as the ocean that gave me the resources I needed To feel all of my feelings and still be in my dignity. To make mistakes and still be in my dignity. Still be connected to other people to stay open and present, end quote. She says that yes is an embodiment, that we can learn to say yes from the inside out. You've got to get to know your yes, how you feel in your body when you are in alignment and when you're not. And then you can use that as a compass and distense yourself from what is out of alignment, from what is no longer in integrity. There's a simple exercise that you can do, and it's to make a mental list or a list on paper of what you currently spend your your time doing or the people that you spend your time with. Just go over each one and pay attention to how you feel in your body.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:34:46]:
I know for me, every time I consider this podcast, for example, it's just a clear channel of light in my body and a grounded, Yes. Keep going. Versus while when I'm out of alignment, there's a a restlessness and attention. You've got to figure out what it is for you, and figuring that out requires you to slow down and pay attention to your body your body's sensations. And if you struggle To lean into that, you might want to get some help depending on the severity of the issue. If it's related to trauma, Go and seek out some therapy. If if you've worked on your trauma in therapy, then coaching could be super helpful to help you process feelings and to help you get to know yourself on a deeper, more embodied level. Okay.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:35:43]:
Gem number 2, her views on nonmonogamy. It goes back to a lot of what I shared earlier, but her words are unique. She writes, quote, nonmonogamy is not about making people compete for your love and devotion. It's about abundance and not having to let go of the people who helped you grow, end quote. It rhymes. It's it's interesting how we're okay with our our friends having other friends, but not our partners having other lovers. We trust our friends to get different needs met with other friends and to still love us. So why is it that we can't do that with our romantic relationships? She also talks about how When you stay in a relationship, when you don't really want to, or when you force yourself to be monogamous, when openness is what is calling you, Those denied desires become toxic energy that's trapped within you and is yearning to come out.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:36:41]:
This makes me think about episode a 152 when I talk about the different parts of you and how some of them are trapped in a bag because you've put them there a long time ago when you saw that they were not leading to you being Loved and accepted. You put them in the bag, and now so much of your energy is wasted trying to keep the bag closed. If we just let them out, it liberates so much energy. Just like when you Let your denied desires come into the light. You're gonna start feeling so much energy moving through you. Okay. Now the last gem. I want to read the last 2 paragraphs of the book.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:37:26]:
It's not like I'm giving away any spoilers. It's just a good wrap up of what this episode is about. Here he goes. So this is from Adrienne Maree Brown in pleasure activism. Quote, Pleasure is the point. Feeling good is not frivolous. It is freedom. We can gift it to each other in a 1000000 ways with authentic presence, abundant care, and honesty.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:37:51]:
With boundaries that keep us from overextending with slower kisses, with foot massages in the evening, with baby hugs and elder hugs, with delicious food, with supported solitude, and listening to our buddies, our shameless desire, and coordinated longing. Find the pleasure path for your life and follow it. Let it reverberate healing back into your ancestor's wounds. Let it open you up and remind you that you are already whole. Let it shape a future where feeling good is the normal primary experience of all beings, end quote. Thank you so much, Adrienne Mareigh Brown. And thanks to all of you listening to the end. I've got a few more recommendations.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:38:42]:
So, one book I started reading by Emily Nagoski, it's called Come As You Are. I, personally, I stopped early on. I think I I was too far along on the journey, but this the goal of this book is to just make you feel normal. Whatever it is that you like or that you don't like, you are normal. To me, I had already internalized that message, so the book didn't feel, necessary to me, but you might really enjoy it. My next read is The Ethical Slot by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. And finally, a podcast that was super helpful, on this journey of mine is Savage Podcast by Dan Savage. Dan Savage is like a in a gay man in his fifties in the US.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:39:35]:
He always opens his episode with, like, a political rent. Can we say rent political, catch up catching us up on what's going on? And then he receives calls from people, sex next related calls. There's all kinds of issues that he helps his listeners deal with, so definitely recommend that. And also the app, Dipsea, that I have purchased recently after doing a 7 day trial. Dipsy is, an app where you can listen to audio stories, erotic stories. It's really well made, and there's a bunch for you to choose from to explore what turns you on. Plus, the design is beautiful. Maybe I should ask them to sponsor this podcast.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:40:23]:
Anyway, if you want more if you're a book nerd and you want more recommendations, Go download my list of top 30 self growth books that I always update. It's on the homepage of my website Self growth Nerds. And if you're curious to work together to unshame your desires and find your true path, Go book a discovery call now at selfgirlnerds.com/adacity. Okay? If you've had a whisper telling you to do so, it is time to trust your intuition. I cannot wait to meet you. Okay. Have a beautiful week, everyone. I'm sending you all so much love.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:41:07]:
Please slide into my DMs on Instagram to Let me know what you thought of the episode, and don't hesitate if you have any questions, regarding nonmonogamy or anything that I discussed in this episode. I am an open book, and if I feel good about sharing, I will happily do so. Okay. Bye. Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the Self Growth Nerds Podcast. And you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, you have to check out, how we can work together on self growth nerds.com or message me on Instagram at self growth nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:41:57]:
So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, Don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.