Episode 157 - Overcoming Fear of Regret
Fear of regret often holds people back from making decisions and leading a life that’s aligned with their values. In this episode, I demystify regret - a transient emotion often rooted in false narratives. I also offer 3 reflective questions designed to help you reframe your perspective about regret and satisfy your true emotional needs. This way, you can escape analysis paralysis and avoid wasting time ruminating on the past, empowering you to move forward.
Topics
Understanding the nature of regret.
Differentiating between regret and remorse.
Recognizing regret as a passing feeling.
Asking essential questions to address regret.
Decision-making strategies.
Accepting and understanding the consequences of decisions.
Links
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Transcript
[AUTO-GENERATED]
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:
Welcome to the Self Growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host, Marie, a courage coach, creative soul, and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019. I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions, and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm good. I, didn't die after releasing last week's episode about authentic sexual expression, which is good news because I was really scared.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:50]:
I was really scared to share my personal story about How I explored my sexuality and how I stepped off the beaten path. I don't know what I was expecting. I just It felt so vulnerable, and it's good to build evidence that it's safe for me to be honest about who I am. That's how you stretch your comfort zone. One little move at a time. One little bold move at a time. That's how you build confidence by something by doing something you think is dangerous and seeing that actually it was not that dangerous that you survived. And slowly but surely, you end up looking back in something that 2, 3 years ago Felt impossible, now it's just your new normal.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:01:42]:
Something that you were so nervous about 3 years ago, now it's just like, well, It's your new baseline. So ask yourself, what's the next step outside your comfort zone that you know you need to take, but that you've been avoiding. K. That was my little intro. Now let's dig into today's topic. I wanna talk about fear of regret because it's a massive obstacle to efficient decision making. I see many people stuck in the status quo choosing their known misery because they're afraid of what the unknown might hold for them. And let's make sure, we don't confuse regret with remorse.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:25]:
Remorse is when you take responsibility for a harm you have done to Someone else. So you might feel remorse about cheating on your partner, or you might feel remorse about yelling at your Nerds. Whereas regret is about loss and missed opportunity. It can be as simple as I don't wanna get rid of all these clothes I don't wear because I might regret it when I need them in the future. To, I don't wanna leave my marriage because I might regret it if I don't meet anyone else. Or something that has already happened, like, I regret not finishing college because I would have a lot more job opportunities right now. What I wanna say to that is 2 words. So what? So what if you feel regret? I know that sounds harsh, but bear with me.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:14]:
You you'll understand where I'm going. Regret is just a passing feeling that demands to be experienced. It doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. Regret is often a feeling that is created by a false narrative. You're comparing reality to an alternative life in which you think you would have been better off. That's called counterfactual thinking, imagining how things might have turned out if you had taken a different decision. You have missing information, and you're making assumptions about what could have been, but you never actually know for sure. Or sometimes you do.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:54]:
Let's say, you regret not betting on racehorse number 36 because they won, and you could have made, I don't know, $100,000. So you you know what could have happened, but you have no idea what the consequences of that in your life would have been. This is all imaginary scenarios, and we have to be mindful of confirmation bias here because if you believe you would have been happier in that imagined scenario, then you will only look for evidence of that, and you will miss out on what's here in the present. So when you feel regret or when you're scared to feel regret about a decision that you're considering, I want you to ask yourself these 3 questions. And after I tell you the questions, we're gonna go through 3 examples. So the questions are as follows. Number 1, what risk would you have taken or do you take by not making the decision? Number 2, what are you protecting yourself from by feeling regret, or what would you be protecting yourself from if you did feel regret? Dwelling on the past and what could have been is very often a distraction and a defense mechanism, a form of avoidance, An unwillingness to feel. You tell yourself this story that makes you feel regret because you don't want to experience another kind of feeling that you deem more challenging.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:27]:
I'll give you examples to make sure you understand. But before we move on, question number 3, What does regret tell you about what you need right now? Or what would regret if you were to feel it after making this decision, What would it tell you about what you needed in that moment? Let's go back to the 3 earlier examples. The first one was the clothes, giving away clothes you don't wear. The risk you take by keeping All the clothes in case you might need them in the future is living in a cluttered environment and all the consequences that come along with that, like having less energy, having less space to think clearly, and to create something new. Question number 2, what are you protecting yourself from? Well, there's some attachment to the past here. Why? Maybe you tell yourself unconsciously that if you let go of the past, then you have to step into the present. You have to step into the future, and that's scary. Maybe a bunch of projects you want to tackle, and you're afraid to fail if you go all in.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:06:35]:
So it's just safer to keep your life messy. Question number 3. Let's say you get rid of all the clothes and then you feel regret. What does that regret tell you about what you need? Maybe you need to mourn the loss of that dress you could have worn to this weekend's wedding. Maybe you need to feel disappointed for 10 minutes, have a pity party, and then go buy another one. Or it might have nothing to do with the clothes. Actually, it probably has nothing to do with the clothes. Maybe it just means that you wish You could run back to the comfort of a previous life because this new life feels uncertain, in which case you need to reassure yourself that You're safe, that you're going to figure it out, that you're gonna be okay, that you've got this, that you can cope.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:25]:
The next example is being afraid of feeling regret about leaving an unhappy marriage. What is the risk you take by staying in that unhappy marriage. Well, you risked being out of alignment for as long as you're in that relationship. And what are the consequences of that? What are the consequences of being out of integrity? It might be depression. It might be frustration. It might be Restlessness, it might be resentment. You also risked never experiencing the joy of a relationship with someone who meets your standards and is eager to grow with you. Question number 2, what are you protecting yourself from? Maybe it's loneliness.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:13]:
Maybe you think you can't do life on your own. Maybe you're afraid no one else is going to wanna be with you. Maybe you're holding on to a meh relationship because you're afraid to open yourself up to love. You're afraid of being seen for who you are deep down and feeling hurt if someone sees you for who you really are and then decides to leave. I don't know. There are so many possibilities. Only you can answer that question. Try to be as honest with yourself as you can.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:45]:
What are you scared of? What are you protecting yourself from? And lastly, let's say you left that marriage and then 6 months later, 1 year later, Even 5 years later, you haven't found someone else. You haven't found that relationship that you dream of, and so you feel regret for leaving. What does that tell us about what you need right now? That tells us that you're feeling sad And you're feeling discouraged, maybe you need reassurance. You need a big hug. You need to hang out with your friends. You need a cozy blanket. You need a weekend in New York. I don't know.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:21]:
You need a good meal. You need a a longer night of sleep. You need better friendships. You need to remind yourself that there are plenty of fish in the sea, that your ex was not the only person who could fulfill your needs. Actually, they weren't Very good at fulfilling your needs and your desires, and you can find better. Again, there's so many possibilities, But regret is just a passing feeling that gives you a lot of information about what you need right now if you can be curious and ask questions. Example number 3, you regret not finishing college because you think you would have more job opportunities if you had a diploma right now. Okay.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:08]:
This one is a little bit different. What would you have risked if you had stayed in college and finished. Well, it really depends on the the reason why you left. Let's say you left because your mental health was not going well. Well, you're really anxious and college was not for you. Well, staying would have meant risking your mental health. Who knows what that would have led you to? Let's say you left because you were going through some financial struggles. You were offered a job.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:38]:
Then if you had stayed, you would have risked your financial stability. And, again, we don't know where that would have led you. Question number 2, what are you protecting yourself from? You can't be sure that you would be happier right now if you had more job opportunities. You might actually be in a fancy job with a fancy salary but feel super depressed. Who knows? So maybe right now, you're protecting yourself from facing the present with courage. Maybe you've been wanting to go back to college, but you're ashamed because you think you're too old for that. You're scared that people are gonna judge you because you judge yourself, because you believe The narrative that we have to go to college and then pick a a career and then never change our minds. That's optional.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:31]:
Or maybe what you're afraid of is to go all in on that business idea that you've been thinking about for years. Only you can tell what's going on underneath that regret. Lastly, 3rd question, what do you need? What's going on, honey? Why do you feel regret after all these years? Maybe that regret just tells you that You're going through a rough patch, and you need reassurance. You need support. You need a vacation or, again, just a big hug. Or you know what? Maybe what you need is to feel your anger towards the system, the injustice. Maybe you are dyslexic and the educational system was not adapted to your Nerds, and that made it really hard for you to finish college, and you're angry about that. You think that's not fair because it's not.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:29]:
Maybe you need to feel that anger, and you need to, acknowledge how much harder it has been for you. Maybe that's what you need. I think I gave you enough examples to understand how to use these questions and what the answers might sound like. Now let's wrap this up with solutions. Solution number 1 is to ask yourself those questions so that you can reflect, so that you can understand yourself better, so that you can reframe the the story you've been telling Self, and so you you can give yourself what you need. Solution number 2, make decisions that are in alignment with your values instead of rooted in people pleasing or rooted in your conditioning of who you think you should be. Then after you've made a value aligned decision, learn to feel the feelings that come with all decisions. There might be joy.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:34]:
There might be fulfillment. There might be pride, and there also might be sadness and disappointment and fear. It's there's a whole spectrum of human emotion. And if you want one end of the spectrum, you have to be open to the other end of the spectrum as well. So make your decision, feel the feelings that come with that, and then have your own back whatever happens. If you leave your job, for example, because it's important for you to find a workplace that's smaller and more Collaborative and more inclusive, and you can stand by those reasons. You love those reasons. Then when you struggle to find that job afterwards, You can feel sad.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:17]:
You can feel discouraged. You can feel worried, but don't tell yourself you were stupid for leaving. Tell yourself you will figure it out. Tell yourself, yes, it's tough, but I'm tough enough. Solution number 2, neutralize decisions. Regret comes from thinking you should have made a better decision. I see a lot of perfectionism or all or nothing thinking. You classify a decision by, oh, that's a good one and that's a bad one.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:48]:
You put a lot of pressure on yourself to make good decisions. That's why there's a lot of overthinking. If only I can figure out the mistakes I have made in the past and make sure I No longer make any bad decisions, then my future life trajectory will be flawless. It's a need to control. Now ask yourself, how were your parents or your teachers around making mistakes? Chances are you might have integrated the way they reacted to you making a decision with what they perceived as unfavorable consequences. If they were really harsh on you, then that's what you are more likely to do. If you beat yourself up every time you make what seems to you like a bad decision like your parents or your teachers did in the past, Then you'll just be terrified to make decisions going forward because your your psyche, your unconscious knows, okay, well, if if we make decision and then decide it's a bad one. We're just gonna go through the ringer.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:56]:
Is that the expression? It's like if you're if you're in a job where your boss is always on your case, every time you make a little mistake, you're not gonna wanna go into work. So if you're like that to yourself, then you're not gonna wanna move forward. You're not going to be able to live a brave life. So it's essential that you change how you relate to yourself when it comes to decision making. Life is about decision making. There's no good or bad decision. You're not a good or a bad person depending on the decisions that you make. If you make a let's say you decide to choose path number 1 and it fails, it doesn't go as planned, you're not a failure.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:47]:
The decisions you make have nothing to do with your worth as a human being. Decisions are neutral. There's just 1 decision after another, and every decision leads you on a different path, and you do your best as you go. I would almost say that it is intellectually lazy to decide if a decision is good or bad. Truth is never as black or white. Let's say you, break your leg because you, You jump off a big rock. I don't know. You end up in the hospital, and the person in the bed next to you becomes your best friend.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:27]:
Was it a good or a bad decision to jump off the rock? Then you think, well, it was a good decision. I made a friend. Then 10 years down the line, that friend sleeps with your wife, and you think, Actually, that was a bad decision, but maybe, actually, it was a good decision because your wife, you were not happy with her. Do you see what where what I'm getting at? There's a a known parable that goes along those lines, but I couldn't remember the name of it. So I created a a similar one to, to illustrate the point. The point here is you never know. You never know what's going to come from the decisions that you make, and there is no point really living in the past trying to rewrite the story, which leads me to solution number 3. Don't argue with the story that's causing your feeling of regret.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:20]:
Instead, go to the source, to the need that's being unmet. Resist the temptation as often as possible to have a conversation with yourself about all the reasons you should have done x. You did it. You did y. Like, for example, you left your partner and you you have this little voice in your mind that tells you you should have stayed. Look at how lonely you feel right now. You should've stayed and you start having a conversation with yourself about all the reasons why You should have stayed and how it was irrational to leave and you know how it goes. We've all been there.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:58]:
So ask yourself instead, instead of having that back and forth, that endless back and forth that, you know, you're never going to fix the problem because you cannot change the past. We all do it. We we we just think, if I can just think this through, go to the end of my thinking, then I'm gonna feel better. But there that doesn't work. That doesn't work. What's what's really going to make yourself Feel better is to ask, honey, what is this really about? Go underneath the story. And if you don't wanna call yourself honey, that's okay. It's about the warmth with which you ask yourself.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:19:40]:
Place a hand on your heart. What is this really about? And you might say, I feel lonely. I feel sad. I I need a hug. But be careful not to believe stories like, well, we should have gone to therapy. Therapy would have made everything better. I should have known. No.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:03]:
You don't know. You have no idea. You might have gone to to therapy, and it wouldn't have changed much. So, yes, feel sad. Allow the sadness to be there. And if there's a a lesson to be learned, learn it. If you think, okay. Next time I'm in a relationship and it starts going wrong, we're gonna go therapy, or we're we're actually gonna go to therapy before it starts going wrong.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:26]:
So decide what you wanna do differently next time, but then you've got to forgive yourself and move on. Follow the bliss like Joseph Campbell says. Become someone who trusts their past self and the decisions that they made. Someone who trusts that the decisions that they made will lead them to where they need to be even it if the road is challenging. Become someone who trusts the universe, who trusts that there is so much goodness coming for you that is around the corner, and you just need to keep going. This is for those of you who are feeling regret about a past decision. And for those of you who are scared to make a decision because you're afraid of regret, I'm gonna leave you with the reminder that people on their deathbeds have regrets about what they did not do. That's that's the most important regret regret about what you did not do.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:33]:
So Whatever it is you have in mind that you're feeling called towards, that you know you need to To do, go do it. And if you need an extra dose of courage, you know where to find me. Self growth nerds.com/audacity. We We can get on a discovery call together to talk about developing more self trust and developing the guts you need to Figure out what's next and go for it. Okay. That's it for this week. That was my, loving kick in the butt for you. Regret is not that big of a deal, folks.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:12]:
So I'm sending you lots and lots of love, and I will talk to you next week. Okay. Bye. Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the Self Girl Nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality. You have to check out how we can work together on self growth Nerds or message me on Instagram I'm at self growth nerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life.
Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:50]:
Don't wait. Get in touch now, and I cannot wait to meet you.