Episode 175: Managing Your Inner Critic

How you handle your inner critic can seriously affect your sense of fulfillment in all areas of your life. This episode will help you better understand the source of this perfectionist part of you and learn how to manage it with compassion to prevent burnout. You will also discover effective strategies to fuel your growth with an inspiring vision instead of oppressive self-criticism. Tune in to transform your relationship with your inner critic and enhance your overall well-being.


Topics

  • Importance of Managing Your Inner Critic

  • Four questions to understand the inner critic’s behavior and impact

  • Understanding the Role of the Inner Critic

  • Developing a Compassionate Approach to Your Inner Critic

Links

👉 Want to dig deeper into what you learned in the podcast? ⁠⁠Go to selfgrowthnerds.com/school to work together!⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠👈⁠⁠⁠

📙 A book mentioned in this episode:

Internal Family Systems Therapy, by Richard C. Schwartz


Transcript

[AUTO-GENERATED]

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:06]:

Welcome to the Self growth Nerds podcast. I'm your host Marie, a courage coach, creative soul and adventure seeker. Since thru hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in 2019, I'm on a mission to help you embrace your most confident self so you can achieve your dreams too. If you're eager for deep conversations, big questions and meaningful connections, join me on the quest to discovering how we can create a more magical and memorable life. Hello, nerds. How are you? I'm doing really good. I recently moved in with my partner. This is the first podcast I'm recording in our home.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:00:50]:

And you might notice because the soundscape is pretty different right now I can hear a dog barking next door and I can hear my partner in a meeting in his office. We're gonna spend the summer here in his apartment while we renovate my place. And then at the end of August, we're gonna move back where I lived and start a new chapter in a freshly renovated home. So it's gonna be really exciting. In the meantime, it's gonna be a pretty busy summer okay that's it for my personal update now today we are talking about how to manage your inner critic. This is really important because the intensity of your inner critic is going to determine what you allow yourself to do or not, the kind of projects that you give yourself permission to take on and your enjoyment of them. If you decide to try something new and your inner critic is really loud and mean, it's gonna make it so much more challenging to keep moving forward and persevere through the the struggle of learning a new skill. One of my definitions of success is that your inner voice leads the way rather than your inner critic.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:02:09]:

So if your inner voice is nudging you in the direction of say, writing a book, then you're able to pursue that calling without letting the inner critic stop you with comments like, you're not good enough of a writer. There's so many books out there anyway, it's going to be impossible for you to stand out. Those thoughts might be there, but they don't get to make the decisions Another example that comes to mind is if your inner voice is nudging you to go on dates to meet new people that might be that you might be compatible with to to build relationship, then you are able to act on that impulse instead of staying home because your inner critic has made you feel small with thoughts like who would wanna be with you, you're not that interesting, and so on. Your level of fulfillment in life is directly related to how much control your inner critic has over the actions that you do or don't do. You're never gonna create the life you're meant to lead if it's driving the car. It's going to make one safe turn after another, and you won't get to discover what you are capable of. Just imagine if you had a toxic boss who's always criticizing your work in a mean way. It doesn't make you wanna go into work.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:03:39]:

It makes you want to avoid work work becomes a place where you might force yourself to go but you don't grow as a person So having a a very strong inner critic is like having that toxic boss but inside your mind. And so what that leads to is a lot of buffering. You might spend a lot of time trying to disassociate, disconnect from yourself by scrolling your phone, by playing video games, by overworking so that you don't have to to be in the presence of that toxic boss that lives inside of you. So this is why I want to help you better manage your inner critic so that you can feel better in your skin. So that you don't have to run away and escape because you have like a in internal environment that's harmonious where you get to be your imperfect self without judgment where you get to try new things and love yourself no matter the result. So the first step here is to get to know your inner critic. We wanna step aside and look at it from a different perspective, almost like a case study. The goal here is to create distance between you and the inner critic.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:02]:

You are the observer of the inner critic. And that distance is what's going to allow you to reclaim your power. So I'm gonna ask you 4 questions to get to know your inner critic. 1st, when does it show up? Or when does it get louder? In what kinds of situations? Is it when you're PMS ing? Is it when you are sleep deprived? Maybe when you're doing something new, when you compare yourself to others online, maybe it's when you're around your family or around a specific friend that has a fancy job. Maybe it's when you receive feedback at work or when things don't go according to plan. You get the gist. Try to notice what triggers your own inner critic. It's gonna be different for everyone.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:05:56]:

Then question number 2, what does your inner critic say? What are its go to sentences? When you start paying attention, you'll see that a lot of the same kind of words come back. So for example, it might say things like who do you think you are? You're nothing. You know nothing. It might say things like oh you suck at this everyone can do it better than you you're not gonna finish you always give up Or it might tell you that you're cringe, that you're a loser. It might tell you you really thought that was going to work with, a bit of a scuff. Try to identify what what's its tone? What what's the things it likes to tell you? Then the next question in the study is when it tells you those things, how does it make you feel? What's the physical sensation in your body? Is it hatred? Is it disgust? Shame? Is it rage? Is it anxiety? Is it sadness? Is it overwhelm? Try to identify the feelings. And then lastly, the 4th question is when you feel this way, when when it tells you those things and you feel this way, what do you do? How do you react? You might procrastinate. You might scroll your phone for hours.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:07:28]:

You might start cleaning your house. You might obsess over details in your job. You might overwork. You might try to numb using weed or video games. What is it that you do? And try to remove all self judgment. We just wanna get curious and observe the the pattern from the outside. Like imagine you would study a lab rat and then you'd have to write a report about the rat saying things like when x happens, the rat does y. Very, very neutral.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:08:08]:

Then once you have a better understanding of the pattern, what do you do with it? How do you manage your inner critic? What I often see, and I just had a session with a client who's a perfect example of this, Her inner critic was showing up in the context of dating, and she said, I just want to compartmentalize. Just want those voices to shut up and let me do what I'm feeling called in my heart to do. But that doesn't work. Not only does it require a lot of willpower, it just ends up backfiring. I'm of the belief that all the parts of you serve a purpose. They all have a positive intention. If you don't believe me, go read the book. No bad parts.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:00]:

There are no bad parts of you. So what is the deal with your inner critic? Why is it there? Well, it is there to protect you. That's its job, and it takes it very seriously. You probably needed it growing up in order to fit in and to be loved. That is how we are wired as animal. It's in our DNA. We need to fit in with the the tribe in order not to be kicked out of the cave and and die alone in the jungle, literally. And that that is still programmed into us.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:09:40]:

Think about young kids. They are playful. They are mischievous. They don't care about getting dirty or about making mistakes until they catch up on social norms and social expectations. Let's say, they learn that in their family, every time that they are allowed, that they take us take up space, they get yelled at. They learn very quickly, okay, I must be quiet in order to be accepted. If, for example, the kid grows up in a super religious family, they might integrate that they have to do everything in in their power to be perfect. Otherwise, they're gonna go to hell and hell is the worst possible thing that can happen to you.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:10:25]:

Then if you fast forward to the future when this kid is an adult, their inner critic is not their own voice. It's a voice that was conditioned into them to get them to act in a very specific way to fit into that religious family. We adapt to the groups that we're trying to belong to. So if you were socialized as a man, for example, then you might have integrated the messaging that you must not be too vulnerable. And if you were socialized as a woman, you might have integrated the the messaging that you must not be too loud, you must not take too much space. If you grew up in a family of artists versus if you grew up in a family of entrepreneurs, if you grew up in a capitalistic society versus a communist society, if you grew up in the west versus in the east, all of that is going to influence the rules, the unspoken rules that you think you have to follow and when and how your inner critic expresses itself. So when you end up scrolling your phone for hours or getting stoned or playing a lot of video games, it's not because of a character flaw. It's not because you're lazy.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:11:45]:

It's just that your inner critic has managed to do its job well. It's protecting you because as long as you're not doing anything risky, anything that might bring you rejection or disapproval, then it is winning. The reason why it can be really annoying and our instinct might be to try and reject that part of us is that it's a very often a miss match with our values. You might say, you know what? I'm an optimist. I know it's okay to try things and fail and try again and find a way to figure it out, but that part of you is very much pessimistic. You might be someone who values courage. You wanna do things that scary. You wanna push your limits, but that part of you craves comfort and it gets in the way, of you being courageous.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:12:39]:

So there's this inner conflict because here you are with your own system of values and there's this part of you that is attached to a very old system of beliefs that goes against what is important to you and what you want to achieve in your life and the kind of person that you want to be. So I 100% understand the frustration, but it's not possible for you to just press on the eject button. You cannot eject a part of you. What we want to do is learn to collaborate. Before we can do that, though, I want you to observe the relationship you have with your inner critic. So in the first part of this podcast, we tried to analyze its behavior. Now we want to analyze your behavior towards the inner critic. I'll tell you the the 2 most common relationships that I see.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:13:40]:

The first one, option a, is basically what I just described. You yell at your inner critic to shut up. You trap it in the basement. You try to ignore what it's saying. Option d is you're kind of afraid of your inner critic because you believe what it says. It feels like the inner critic is a bully and you are a bullied kid. It's a very oppressive relationship. You let them take over.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:12]:

You're trying to get their validation. You're trying to convince them. You're trying to get them to love you and give you permissions. There's an energy of desperation versus the other one, the first one is there's an energy of annoyance and frustration Now I want you to imagine that that part of you is a toddler or a very young kid because it is. It is stuck in the past. It has stopped growing. And you, as the observer, are the parent taking care of that part. By the way, this is all inspired by my readings about internal family systems, IFS for short, which is a therapeutic model invented by Richard Schwartz.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:14:55]:

So you're the parent, and your inner critic is your kid. Now, why do you think they're acting out? Is it because they're a bad kid? No, it's not. Think about the Grinch. The Grinch is mean not because it's a bad Grinch, but because he needs a lot of love and kindness. When he gets given love and kindness, his heart grows bigger and he starts being kind and loving in return. That part of you is the same. Now before you roll your eyes, just stay here. Listen.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:15:33]:

Your inner critic is acting out because it needs attention. It needs to know it can count on you, because it was, quote, unquote, hired back in the day to protect you, but it hasn't caught up on the fact that you are now an adult. It believes you're still a kid who needs protecting, and it needs to learn that, actually, you've got this, that you're driving the show and it doesn't need to work so hard to protect you. In order for them to understand that you're a grown up and that you can lead the way, you need to show up that way to be a strong reassuring presence for them. So that might mean when they act out saying something like, what's going on, honey? Tell me why you're so angry. I'm listening. Because you know as a parent that when your kid is yelling and they say, I hate you, you're the worst parent, because you're taking them to school and they wanted to keep playing Lego. You know, it doesn't mean anything about you.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:16:40]:

You know, they're just upset because Lego is more fun than school. So you've got to do the same with you, like when that your inner critic is saying horrible things, you know it's not true. Like, you know it's about something deeper. What are they scared of? You need to figure that out, and you need to empathize with them. I understand you're scared of, for example, being rejected at school. Well, you know what? No matter what happens, I'm here. I love you. And we're gonna we're gonna figure it out together.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:13]:

Let me give you a very concrete example. When I started my Podcast, now more than three and a half years ago, my inner critic was like, there's already so many podcasts out there and they're so good. We're never gonna catch up to them. Like, we're never gonna be as good. It's gonna be so cringe at first. Like, the sound quality is not gonna be great because we don't have, like, a studio and a like production team. Imagine if as the parent, I would have gone, oh my god. You're right.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:17:41]:

Everyone's gonna hate us. It's gonna be so bad. No one's gonna listen. How? Then it would would have just been like a downward spiral. Instead, as a strong reassuring presence, I would tell that part of me, I understand it's scary. It's something new. You're putting yourself out there. It's very vulnerable.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:02]:

And when the inner critic starts feeling seen, starts feeling understood instead of ignored and pushed aside, it's gonna calm down. And when it has calmed down, we want to help them integrate new beliefs. The beliefs that we subscribe to now, the system of values that we have now. So I might tell that part of me, you know what? It's okay to be imperfect. It's actually super normal when you're doing something new and you're gonna get better with time. And even if it's not perfect, what you have to say is still gonna help some people. It's not gonna be for everyone. Some people are not gonna like it, But that's okay.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:18:45]:

We don't need to be for everyone. We just need to focus on the people that are going to be inspired and that are going to grow when listening to the podcast. That's it. And if if no one listens, that's okay. I still got you. If we, and if we realize that we don't like recording a podcast, we're just gonna stop and do something else. If you go back to the start of the episode, when I was telling you to identify when your inner critic shows up and gets louder, what came up? Are you trying to write your first book, for example? Is it that you, are scared of making mistakes at work? Did you get doasted after a date, so now you you don't wanna start dating again? Now take this situation and ask Self, what do you actually believe about this? Not what the fearful part of you believes, but what would you tell a friend in the same situation? If your friend was writing their first book and they were soup super critical of themselves, what would you say? If your friend had made a mistake at work and they were beating themselves up, what would you say to them? Might be something like it happens to everyone. Now let's understand why and see what resources you you need in order to do better next time.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:14]:

Doesn't mean anything about you as a person. It just means that you need support. And if your friend comes to you and they they say like, this guy I was dating ghosted me. I never wanna date again. I hate this. What would you tell them? You might tell them, well, they're clearly not for you. You don't wanna be with someone like that. If you keep going, I'm sure you're gonna meet someone that's excited to be with you.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:20:39]:

Now, how can you practice being your own best friend? I know it's so much easier with other people. It's easier for us to have compassion when when it comes to our loved ones, and that is what we need to practice with ourselves. It's just challenging because these beliefs are not integrated at a cellular level. Our conditioning is programmed into us, So we need a lot of repetition in order to rewire the programming. We need to notice whenever the old beliefs show up, when the inner critic gets loud, and interrupt the pattern as often as possible. We're creating new neural pathways. It's not a small task. We don't wanna aim for overnight changes.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:21:31]:

We just wanna aim for, like, small 1% improvements. We want to increase our level of self awareness slowly but surely. Try not to be judgmental. If you tell yourself, 'Ugh! I should be over this by now I am not growing fast enough,' it has the opposite effect. It slows down your growth versus if you remain curious, about what's going on in your mind and you think, okay, I'm still struggling with this. Let's see how can I approach this in a different way, then you're much more likely to find solutions to develop a more peaceful relationship with yourself? It's also very helpful to surround yourself with like minded people because people's inner critics are contagious in a way. If everyone around you has very loud inner critics, it's gonna come out in the way that they talk about themselves and about others, the way that they judge others. And you hear that, and it just strengthens your own inner critic.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:22:39]:

Your inner critic says, see see what they're saying? They're right. We should not put ourselves out there. We should not take risks. People are going to laugh at us. People are gonna talk behind our backs. So you wanna be with people who prioritize growth, who are courageous, who put themselves out there. If that's what you wanna do, then surround yourself with people who lead by example. It might be in books and in podcasts, but also in real groups that you join or through working with a coach.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:11]:

When you work with me, I help you identify your blind spots, the ways in which your fearful parts are currently controlling your life. Because one of the big reasons why you might be unsatisfied is because they're in charge instead of you following what you're being called to do in your heart. So, of course, it's easier said than done. Just do what you're scared of. People say that all the time. But that's like jumping off a cliff without a parachute. That's why I teach my clients tools to better manage their fearful parts. So that when you do something scary, you don't freak out.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:23:52]:

You don't get overwhelmed and run back to comfort. You have techniques that you can use for the rest of your life that help you increase your emotional tolerance to the discomfort that comes with uncertainty, with the unknown. One of my former clients, Rachel, who I'm organizing, an in person retreat with, you'll hear about this soon. She said before coaching with me, her emotions were like giant waves on the ocean, like a tsunami, super hard to manage. And now they're just like, she said, little waves that, like, a toddler could jump in. It makes the the journey so much more enjoyable. So that's one big thing I do with my clients, help them manage their emotions. I also help them get to know themselves, what they're good at, what lights them up, and create a vision around that that's inspiring.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:24:47]:

Just you're never gonna do anything scary if you don't care deeply about where you're going, if you don't have a direction that lights you up. So that's the the second thing I do. And then the third thing I do is help you cultivate grounded, drama free thinking. When you are calm and you're grounded, both of your feet on the Growth, and you know what you value and what's important to you, you're gonna think much more clearly than when you get swept up by your fears. So I have techniques that I teach here as well. Anyway, if you want to learn more about what it's like to work with me, just book an assessment call. It's free, and you'll get to see if we're you and I are a good match. I'll get to know you, ask you a bunch of questions about where you are, what you struggle with, the kind of life that you want to create for Self, and then we'll see if I can help you.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:25:42]:

I'll tell you about how it works, about the cost, the logistics, and you get to decide. K? So just go to self Growth nerds.com/school. There's a big button there that says book a call. It takes you to my calendar with lots of different time slots. Book a time that works for you, and we'll go from there. I cannot wait to meet you and I hope today's episode was helpful. Okay. I will talk to you soon.

Marie-Pier Tremblay [00:26:11]:

Have a beautiful week. Bye. Hey. If you love what you're hearing on the South growth nerds podcast and you want individual help finding a new direction for your life and developing the courage to make your dreams a reality, you have to check out how we can work together on selfgrowthnerds.com Nerds message me on Instagram at selfgrowthnerds. My clients say they would have needed that support years ago. So if you're tired of feeling like you're wasting your life, don't wait. Get in touch now and I cannot wait to meet you.

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Episode 174: Why Men Struggle Asking for Help - with John and Matthew